Do you live in an inhospitable environment? Are you tired of the wildly inflated prices at your local grocery store/vegetable stand/guy at the off-ramp? Are you just plain broke?
Look no further then, fellow rugged individualist. I have come to help. No longer will you be a slave to the grocer's whims and sadist desires. I will teach you how to make your own food.
To make a potato, you need three ingredients, all easily stolen from your local train depot: starch, medium-sided plastic tubes, and an Irishman.
1. Place starch in tube.
2. Yell at Irishman.
Grapes are sweet, round, and can make wine. Since two out of three of these attributes are pretty great, you'll want to make yourself plenty of grapes. All you need is some wine.
1. Drink wine.
2. Go to grocery store, steal a bag of grapes.
3. Use empty wine bottle as weapon against store security.
Bread is made of simple ingredients: butter, flower, salt, shortening, sugar, water and yeast.
1. Throw all of those ingredients in a bowl.
2. Throw that bowl into the oven.
3. Turn the oven on eventually.
Lobster is a delectible seafood dish, and is treasured among gourmonds. But even half-wits like us can prepare a lobster meal fit for a king!
1. Take a trawler out into the open ocean, preferably with an old salt at the helm who you may give a fun nickname, like Stinky Stu or Ol' One Eye.
2. Get drunk with aformentioned captain during a long conversation in which you swap stories and show off your scars. Richard Dreyfuss may or may not be present.
3. Throw propane tank overboard.
4. Shoot at it.
5. Collect lobsters that rise to the surface.
6. Make Stinky Stu boil the lobsters if he's still alive.
Anything between two slices of bread is technically a sandwich. This makes anything between two slices of bread edible. Hitler between two slices of bread? Not half bad.. 9/11 between two slices of bread? Slightly less horrifying. If you are ever on trial for a crime, put yourself between two slices of bread. You will walk away scot-free.
Milk is from cows. It is nutricious and delicious.
1. Find a cow.
2. Milk the cow.
3. Steal horse's oats.
4. Put oats in bowl.
5. Pour milk on oats.
For more handy recipies and helpful hints, buy my books, The Happy Hobo:Living Off The Land And Other People On $0 A Day and That Pie Was Eaten When I Got Here! And Thirty Three Other Excuses.