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August 09, 2016

Artistic renderings of the penis many people are saying exists.

Let’s face it: this election is certified bonkers, y'all. It’s hard to pinpoint the most insane thing that’s happened because it seems like a stream of endless nonsense, but one of my personal highlights was Donald Trump talking about the size of his dick during the debates. Since that moment, the question of what exactly his penis looks like has lingered in my mind like a long-forgotten memory. So in the grand tradition of FOD Dick Drawing, I asked my co-workers draw what they think Trump’s dick looks like. Here are the results.

Ben Wietmarschen, Writer

Ben W Trump .jpg

Ben is really narrowing in on a commonly held assumption about Trump’s dick: it is small. Societally, there’s the impression that someone with a small penis will try and compensate for it in other ways (driving a fast car, yelling a lot, running for president) rather than recognize that basing self worth on the size of genitalia is inherently stupid.

This is bad drawing just from a skill stand point, but I do like that Ben used crayons and added some color for flair. I’m not quite sure what’s above Donald Trump’s penis–I guess it’s his belly? It looks a little blocky to me, but I appreciate the attempt at some sort of life drawing.

The dollar bill is extremely crude but I appreciate the gender fluidity of the figure in the center of the bill.

Matt Mayer, Director/Editor

Mat Mayer Trump.jpg

I knew Matt’s was going to be a standout artistically because he majored in Art in college. If you major in art and can’t even draw a Donald Trump penis that’s gonna really not reflect well on your education. So kudos, there.
This drawing reminds me of Ilma Gore’s “Make America Great Again” but I actually think Matt Mayer made Trump’s balls a little bit bigger, which is an interesting choice. Also it’s not as good, but that might be a time crunch issue.

The unbuckled pants first make me think that maybe Trump is about to pee, but then the shirt blowing open make me think maybe Trump is exposing himself, making himself vulnerable to our gaze. He doesn’t seem ashamed–he seems proud, comfortable with his body. But perhaps that’s because his face is cut off and we have no idea what his expression is. Hm. Maybe Matt can’t draw faces?

The tiny hands are very good, they are as tiny as his penis.

Nate Dern, Editor


I see what you did here, Nate. You photoshopped Donald Trump’s head onto Orlando Bloom’s body. But you didn’t have the decency to leave in his penis. Very disappointing to all of us.

Zack Poitras, Head Writer

Zack P Trump.jpg

Hm…I’m sensing a theme here. That theme? Small penis. Zack takes this one step further by adding a prop–a magnifying glass, to be specific. Even magnified, the dick remains small–a drop in our visual bucket.

In a sadistic twist, this penis is disembodied from Trump’s body. Both it and the magnifying glass appear to be floating in the very air, existing in some vague dreamworld with no end and no beginning. As we live and as we die, they are alone.
Also, Zack is the only person to have personified the penis–we can very clearly see that it is asking for help. Even Trump’s small penis is begging the onlooker to deliver it from the nightmare of its existence.

Balls are pretty big tho.

Josh Brown, Writers’ Assistant


This is a picture of Trump Tower. I see what you did there, Josh…

…and I LIKE it. Very good.

Nathan Maggio, Art Director


Nathan included an artist’s statement, which I will copy below:

-I got this information via x-ray vision, which is a photoshop feature.
-Pale legs. But too (fake) tan pelvis.
-Carpet = drapes, baby.
-Tiiiiiny dick. Born that way, can’t blame him.
-Half finished wall around penis that Melania is building.

Wow. I think that speaks for itself.

Natasha Fedorova, Senior Designer


Now this I like. The penis…is a Cheeto. Some might say that’s a false syllogism–Trump is orange, Cheetos are orange, therefore Trump is a Cheeto–but I was never one for logic. ;)

Jason Flowers, Senior Content Editor

Donald Trump RED DICK.jpg

Damn. Okay, wow. We got Trump in what I’m assuming is…Scotland…and he’s just letting it all hang out. The craziest part is it doesn’t look like he’s had to unzip or open his pants in any way–his dick has just transported itself from the inside of his clothes to the outside of his clothes. And it’s sporting a “Make America Great Again” banner up top, which is interesting to think about. Was he born that way? Was Donald Trump’s penis BORN to make America great again? If so, maybe we need to rethink everything.

Perhaps the most interesting wrinkle, so to speak, is that Jason has departed with the common thread (tiny penis). This penis, though red, looks quite large. Fascinating.

Pat O'Brien, Writer


Like Matt Mayer, I know that Pat is a trained artist, so again, expectations were high. In the vein (again, no pun intended but also pun very much welcome now that it’s here) of Zack Poitras’s dick, this seems to be crawling out of some nightmare world. It makes me wonder: is the whole work Pat’s depiction of Trump’s dick, or is this Pat’s image of Trump the whole person, dick included?

There are two penises in this drawing. The first is where a penis normally is: between the legs. Flat flapping feet and scrawny pigeon legs frame a crude penis and testicles. The size is definitely larger than the drawings of my less generous colleagues, but still quite conservative.

The second penis can be found lodged inside Trump’s pursed lips. This penis is quite sizable, which could indicate a few different things:

1) Trump is constantly sucking dick
2) Trump is all bark no bite, i.e. a return to the overcompensation theory–he makes us think his penis is big through his words, when in fact it is small or even normal sized.

A lot to think about here.

Kyle Kirkup, Designer


No notes. Think Kyle really nailed it, though I can’t see Trump’s dick staying erect consistently enough to keep holding up that sign.

In the end, I’m not sure which of these images is right and which was is wrong. In fact it’s a little bit like politics–sometimes people are running for president and it’s hard to tell who’s right and who’s wrong.

JK, come on this shit is a no brainer y'all. Trump has a fucking tiny ass dick and he’d make a horrible president. Case closed.