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January 07, 2017

Ever wonder if there are certain things that just shouldn't be said to a menstruating lady? Yes, you say? Well you are correct my good friend. Here is a short list of some of the stupidest statements you could possibly let slide from your lips during this treacherous time in your gals life.

4 things dudes need to stop saying to their girlfriends when they have their periods.

Periods suck. There, I said it. Once a month, Mother nature drops in and high Jacks our bodies for five to seven days, dragging us through crazy mood swings (including but not limited to, irrational anger and random ugly crying), completely debilitating cramps (Seriously though….WTF is with those cramps??), and extra water weight that leaves us looking like a busted can of biscuits until she’s had her fill and moves on to the next poor, unfortunate,but not pregnant soul.

It’s no secret that a visit from the famous, yet well despised Aunt Flo can be hard on everyone involved. It affects anyone that come within one hundred feet of its bloody inhabitants most of the time……but let’s be real for a second here……

You think your life sucks right now because your girl threatened to break your wrist if you so much as looked like you were going to touch the last blueberry muffin at breakfast? Imagine having to shove cotton cylinders your nether regions every few hours for a week straight just to prevent your bottom half from looking like a CSI murder scene. Then it happen anyway.

You always have a headache and a backache. You can’t watch or be around anything sad, happy, cute, or too thought-provoking or you will inevitably burst into tears, likely in public and humiliate yourself. Oh, and by the way, there’s also a baby T-rex inside your body tearing mercilessly at the inside of your lower abdomen while you (Insert normal, daily activity here…). Then, just to make things even MORE awesome,your douche canoe boyfriend has the nerve to complain about your attitude! I say boyfriend because guys who are assholes about periods don’t typically become husbands. Just saying.

See, the thing is, we know just how hard this blows because…SPOILER ALERT…. We are the stars of the shit show! Once a month! Every month! The last thing we need is our partners making it worse by whining about it. That being said, here’s four things, in no particular order of significance, that dudes REALLY need to stop say to their menstruating ladies. Really.

#4. Calm down.

Dude…. just, No.

Let me ask you this…If you saw an angry grizzly bear on the verge of ripping apart the hunter that shot at her cubs, would you walk up to her and tell her to “calm down”? No? How about an F5 tornado that was about to rip through a trailer park in Oklahoma? Would you stroll right into the middle of that chaos with a smug little smirk and be like, “Yo, why don’t you just chill?”

When women are on our periods, we are a literal ball of emotions. So telling us to “calm down” or “chill out” any other condescending downplay of what we are feeling is a guaranteed way to get your face clawed off.

Are we completely insane about things that we normally wouldn’t bat an eye at? Absolutely, and we know it too. That doesn’t mean we won’t irrationally kick you in the balls for pointing it out.

So next time your lady fly’s off the handle at you about the way you folded the towels, (and if you don’t help fold towels, you need to start) do yourself a favor and don’t try to argue because, and trust me when I say, you will not win. Just apologize and make yourself scarce.

#3. Are you eating again?!

Why yes, as a matter of fact we are, and if you stand too close when asking such a ridiculously insensitive and idiotic question, we might just eat YOU as well.

Despite the many outdated and completely ridiculous stereotypes regarding the female image, chicks dig food too. We require nutrients on a daily basis just like men do, and thanks to those pesky period hormones,one week a month we require a bit more.

Not only is it perfectly normally for a female to indulge on whatever the hell she wants during this time (or anytime for that matter), it’s also absolutely none of your damn business! Does she question you with disgust on any given day of the year when you are finishing your fifth slice of pizza and reaching for number six?

No, because she has a fully functioning brain and respects the fact that you are perfectly capable of handling basic bodily maintenance activities without unsolicited input. How about showing her the same kind of respect and let her shove the donuts in her mouth in peace! After all, she shed part of her uterine lining today. What the hell did you do?

#2. “Ew” or “Gross”

This should absolutely go without saying…… unless of course you are a five-year-old, and if you are then this obviously doesn’t apply to you anyway. Although, in all honesty, I’ve met quite a few five year olds with more tolerance and tact than some grown men. That being said…….

Yes, there is a ridiculous amount of blood and tissue expelling itself from our bodies and, yes it is absolutely and utterly disgustingly. However, you have completely no right to whine, complain, or even discuss how “gross” you think it is!

Are your genitals bleeding? No? Then zip it!

The last thing we need to hear from our boyfriends….. our lovers ….. the ones we are supposed to feel the safest and most comfortable with …. as we endure this week of actual Hell via uterus, is how repulsive you think we are. Even if you don’t say that we’re gross…. that’s how we are going to take it. Every time. It doesn’t matter how you word it. Remember those hormones we talked about?

Menstruation is a completely and one hundred percent natural part of being a female. All girls have their period at some point in their existence and its nothing new. Your mother, your sister, even that hot waitress from sports bar. Vaginas bleed and it’s not the end of the world. Quite the opposite actually. If it weren’t for periods in fact, you wouldn’t even be here.And that would be oh so tragic, wouldn’t it?

So don’t act like you’ve been sentenced to the electric chair if she asks you to grab her some tampons from the store. Just man up and buy them. She will be appreciative, trust me.

#1.” Geez are you on your period or something?”

Whether ornot you are correct in your assumptions that your girl is being extra salty towards you as a result of surfing the crimson wave doesn’t really matter at this point. Either way, you’re digging your own grave by asking such a sexist and frankly, quite juvenile question.

Ask yourself this instead. Were you being a jerk or even the slightest bit douchey before she verbally ripped your head off? If the answer is yes, then shut up and apologize. If the answer is no, then well, maybe you are correct in your assumptions …maybe you’re not. Either way it doesn’t really matter, because by saying this, you are suggesting that her feelings are in some way, less important due to a hypothetical possibility that she is menstruating.

So do you both a favor and don’t go there. If you feel like you just have to know whether she’s red-tide raging or just good old fashioned pissed, put in the effort and track her cycle. It’s not always exact,as is nothing where mother nature is involved, but it will save you from spending a few nights on the couch.

Well, there you have it! I do hope this helps at least a few of you gain a new perspective on this subject and maybe avoid a few arguments. Of course this is just a small handful of things to avoid letting slip from your mouth during this extremely sensitive and unpleasant time for your lady. Best advice is to just be compassionate and understanding ……and arm yourself with chocolate and ibuprofen whenever you enter a room!


Remember this isn’t about you no matter what she might scream at you,so give her a break, ok? She didn’t choose the vag life the vag life chose her! Just lay low for a week or so and be thankful dudes don’t have periods! Lucky bastards!