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November 07, 2016

Daryl's living on Easy Street! 10 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S07E03 "The Cell"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Whose Boss Is It Anyway?

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Guys! The show they’re watching on this show is called “Who’s The Boss?” and there have been some real big shakeups in management lately leaving people to wonder who the new boss is. Do you get it? Do you?!? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE WATCHING A TV SHOW INSIDE OF THIS TV SHOW AND THE TV SHOW THEY ARE WATCHING ON THIS SHOW IS CALLED “WHO’S THE BOSS?” BECAUSE WHILE RICK WAS PREVIOUSLY THE BOSS, NOW THERE IS A NEW BOSS NAMED NEGAN? IS IT SINKING IN TO YOUR BRAIN THAT THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH HERE? Great. Anyway, this feels like as good a time as any to mention I’m friends with Tony Danza’s daughter. I’ve known her since high school and her name is Katie and she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. If you’re reading this, Katie (she’s not), I miss you and we should hang out more often! And not just talk about it, but actually hang out more often! Keep it locked to these recaps every Monday for updates on whether or not Katie Danza and I are actually hanging out more or just talking about hanging out more.

2) Dwight The Sandwich Artist

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Damn, Dwight. That is one hell of a sandwich. I’m a free man with access to multiple Trader Joe’s locations (Is that reference going to lose some of you? Sound off in the comments if you don’t know what Trader Joe’s is.) and I’ve never made myself an egg sandwich of this caliber. I have a hard time flipping eggs! I always wind up with this terrible half flip and the yolk breaks and before I know it I’m eating semi-scrambled eggs like a real asshole.

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Dwight’s character development as the greatest sandwich maker in all the land pays off big time when we see him scoop dog food on to stale bread and feed it to Daryl. Ugh. So frustrating to see someone that talented not reach their full potential. This is Aaron Paul’s post-Breaking Bad career all over again. I guess the Need for Speed movie isn’t so bad if you think about it like an immediate follow-up to Jesse driving off into the distance.

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Are you happy, ladies? You finally got naked Daryl! But he’s eating dog food and Glenn’s head had to explode to make it happen. We got hosed on this deal. Dudes can be happy about this too, by the way. It’s 2016. Everyone’s happy.

3) “Easy Street” Is A Fun Song!

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This is a catchy tune! I like this “Easy Street” song a lot! It’s nice they’re playing fun music for Daryl. These guys are cool and this song is a certified hot track and I’ve got a great feeling about all of this.

4) That Girl We Kinda Remember Is Back

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Everyone’s favorite character, Girl From The Woods We Kinda Remember, is back! And this time she’s peeing on a stick to see if she’s pregnant. It’s almost too much character development. For those of you who need a refresher, this is the girl from that infuriating episode where Daryl saves a group in the woods and then one of them gets killed in a really stupid way and then they take Daryl’s shit. Things worked out so well for Daryl last time they met, he should definitely listen to whatever her and this fake doctor have to say.

5) “Easy Street” Is Sucking My Will To Live

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Please. Dear god. Make it stop! Daryl needs to ramp up his Door Karate pronto because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. There’s nothing worse than this. HOLY FUCK, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL? OK, I take it back. Give me “Easy Street” a dozen more times. These commercial breaks every 5 minutes are literally Satan.

6) “Happy Hour At The Pussy Bar”

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Jesus Christ, Negan! Do you kiss your wives with that potty mouth? There’s a lot happening here, but the big takeaway for me = it’s a bummer the presidential race drained all the shock from hearing “pussy” come out of your TV speakers. Definitely didn’t see that one coming. I liked the part where Negan reminded us that Eugene bit Dwight’s penis last season, because I somehow forgot about that and it was really awesome. Also, for a dude who goes around murdering people with a barbed wire bat, Negan has some surprisingly woke ass views regarding sexual consent in the zombie apocalypse. It’s 2016, you guys. Everyone’s ass is woke as shit.

7) It’s A Trap!

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Come on, Daryl! The unlocked door is clearly a trap. The semi-familiar face conveniently roaming the hall giving you one last shot to avoid the trap? That’s a trap, too. A whole bunch of shiny motorcycles? You just got front row tickets to see Look Who’s Trapping Now on opening night. A circle of dudes surrounding you with weapons? Damn, son. Where’d you find this gun that’s Rick’s?!? REAL TRAP SHIT. *air horn sound effect x5* Pop quiz, hot shot!

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Do you want to go to jail or do you want to go home? Or do you want a new pair of shoes?

Uh, no brainer! I’ll take the one where I get shoes! Shoes are rad, I didn’t even hear the other stuff. Just give me the shoes, I want the one that comes with shoes, please. WAIT, FUCK. Are they cool shoes?!? I only want the option with shoes if they’re cool shoes! Shit, these shoes are whack. They look like something a dad would wear to Sears on a Thursday to buy a reasonably priced extension cord. I got hosed on this deal.

8) Dwight Wants To Be Daryl So Bad

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Dwight wants to be Daryl so bad, it’s embarrassing. He’s got the full Daryl Dixon starter pack complete with crossbow, motorcycle and horrendous angel wings vest. Dwight, we only gave Daryl a pass on those goofy angel wings because we liked the guy. You look like a doofus.

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This guy makes some great points! There’s a ton of them and only one Negan. Better kill him, nobody on this show is allowed to make sense for too long.

9) Glenn Back

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Glenn’s back, you guys! So nice to see his face again. At least I think that’s his face?

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Oh no! They changed the song! Change it back! Daryl misses that song because now he’s crying! You went and made Daryl cry by changing the song. You heartless monsters!

10) I Don’t Think Negan And Dwight Are Totally Cool

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I know Negan says him and Dwight are totally cool now, but something tells me that’s not the case. Mostly the tiny detail about how Negan burned his face with an iron and is now banging his ex-wife.

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“In another life, I could’ve been the lead singer of Nickelback.”

Dwight’s story is pretty sad and messed up, especially considering he was only trying to get his wife’s diabetic sister the medicine she needed to survive. FUN FACT! In between season 6 and season 7, I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Relax, I’m fine, everything is fine. But this storyline that I glossed over when it happened became way more interesting to me because suddenly it was relevant to my life and I’m a narcissist on top of having a pancreas that doesn’t work. Could a diabetic ACTUALLY survive in the zombie apocalypse? Given my limited understanding of insulin (5 months on Thursday!) and how it works and needs to be stored, definitely not. Which makes the whole thing even sadder. All of it was for nothing and now Negan is pouring Bisquick in his lady and Dwight’s face will scare the baby when it shows up. Safe to say Dwight got hosed on that deal. Tune in next week! Will we find out what the letter “A” on Daryl’s sweatshirt means? It obviously stands for “A Cutie Pie” which is what Negan thinks Daryl is. Will Rick go back to Alexandria and calm people down by yelling at the top of his lungs about how things are different now and we can’t go back because now it’s not the same? You know it. Where will the Katie Danza storyline go and will I find more opportunities to talk about my autoimmune disease? Sound off in the comments if these recaps have progressively gotten worse and don’t totally make sense anymore. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E04 of The Walking Dead!