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Written by Lauren Palmigiano

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April 01, 2009

Miami Beach, FL - Vince Shlomi, otherwise known as the annoying spokesperson for Slap Chop and ShamWow, was arrested last month on felony battery charges after a violent altercation with a prostitute in his hotel room. According to police reports, Shlomi repeatedly punched Sasha Harris after she bit down on his tongue and would not release it. Harris was not charged since she was trying to do America a favor.

Harris explained that Shlomi would not shut up during and kept trying to sell his penis by making promises about its size and unique design. "He said his dick grows twenty times its size when excited. He was telling me all the different sexual uses for it, but then said it also works as a hammer, a baseball bat, or a fishing pole." Harris grew agitated, "When he started telling me that no one makes penises like the Germans I told him to shut up, fuck, and pay me, but he wouldn't."That's when Harris bit Shlomi's tongue and when he got violent with her.

The Miami Beach District Attorney's office says they will not be pressing charges. "Basically we have a woman who acted in self defense of America. America is a better place if this man can't speak, so she took the proper actions to stop him from talking. That's when he got violent with her and we can not put up with that."

Miami's Mayor is awarding Ms. Harris for her courage and said, "Not since Julia Roberts have we seen a prostitute with a heart of gold like this one."