I saw Jesus and Santa having drinks at Musso and Frank’s…..
I walked in and shook off the Hollywood chill and decided to sit near them. As I ordered a beer the conversation went something like this;
Jesus ran his fingers across the top of a rocks glass of ice water and it turned to a pale tan whiskey swirl.
“You ever doubt your existence, man? Sometimes, just listening to all these flakes out there, I wonder myself.” said Jesus as he slams his bourbon.
"I hear ya’ buddy. I mean the magic that I felt forty years back, sometimes I wonder. Is it still even alive in the soul and spirit of people?”
Santa raises his glass of Pigs Ear stout and cheers Jesus.
“Faith…how hard is it to just believe in something? I mean, for my sake, people have more faith in college football, and those guys, for the most part, have a worse record then me or dad.”
“Amen.”, says Santa as he reaches for a bowl of salted almonds. “I get all these letters…gimme, gimme, gimme…every now and again someone asks for world peace….”
“Yeah, I get those when you forward them, thanks.”…interrupts Jesus, Santa continues;
“..,but mainly, it’s just a bunch of greedy bastards wanting the latest technology…which, by the way, is a real pain in the ass to make in the North pole…cold temps and tiny little elf hands. PLUS with the damn Patriot act and embargos it is so tough to get the elements needed from North Korea and Siberia…and ya’ know, what really twists my holly? Last year, the thank you note percentage was down to 23%!”, Santa finishes with a shake of his only-moderately-jolly head.
"I blame the parents, buncha connards nowadays, pardon my French. I mean, I guess I have to blame the economy, since all parents…if the kids parents are even together…both have to work like three jobs. It’s like the whole world is Jamaicans or something”, says Jesus as he grabs a handful of salted Almonds…“umm, these are good.”
“Yeah, Jamaicans are hard workers, so are the Mexicans”, says Santa as he motions to the frustrated bartender.
“You have an Latino Elves?”, asks Jesus sincerely.
“Not yet, waiting for the immigration act to do whatever its going to do…I can tell you who is getting coal in their stockings…speaking of.”
The bartender puts two waters in front of Jesus. Jesus touches them turning them into a PBR for Santa and a Mint Julip for himself.
“Why thank you! Ho Ho ho!”, Santa takes a sip and then continues… “You know Jesus, I wonder. What ever happened to just being nice to be nice? When did greed and power and manipulation through the use of fear and every Godda…errr…every damn thing turn into such a constant?”
“Well…”, answers Jesus,“…it’s always been like this, just lately everyone seems to struggle to be top dog, it’s like, the worse it gets, the more people want to fight for everything and not give to those in need. And the ones who have the ability to help the most seem to screw over the others the most….sickens me really. Especially around the holidays.”
“You’re telling me….I was at WalMart a few days ago, people stampeding like animals, Black Friday my ass…should be called Asshole Friday. All I wanted was a pack of smokes and a card for an elf who broke his leg after falling off the reindeer dorm.”
“What the hell was he doing up there?.”, asked Jesus with a hoot
“Hanging lights. He was cool about and all, no lawsuit from the Elf union. I keep my workers happy, take care of them, listen to their needs and never abuse the power I have, and I always let them know how much I appreciate their loyalty.”
Jesus blows his nose into a napkin, opens it and a Butterfly flutters across the bar.
“Man…we both have people outside our immediate circles that are loyal to us in word only, or to impress their friends once or twice a week.”
“For you maybe once or twice a week. I’m lucky if I get 20 days out the last month of every year with people smiling and being nice. Do I get calls or letters any other time of year? Hell no. My birthday is in March…how many cards do you think I get?”
“Shit, man…I forgot last year, sorry.” says Jesus as he sips his drink.
“It’s cool” said Santa motions for the tab. “you’re a busy guy. Well, I guess I need to catch the red line back to LAX.”
Santa reaches for the bill, Jesus puts his hand on it; “I got this one.”
Jesus pulls a one-dollar-bill out of his chaneries and places it on the bill.
Santa smiled and shook Jesus hand
“Merry Christmas, oh and Happy Hanukah.”, he adds with a wink.
“Happy Holidays, Santa”, responded Jesus
“Did you just say, Happy Holidays?”
“uhhh….yeah, I don’t want to offend.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re Jesus Christ…who the hell are you going to offend?”
Jesus let out a big laugh as he hugged Santa.
“You’re a funny, cat, Santa.”
They turn to go and the bartender looks at the bill for $45 and the one single dollar bill, as he picks it up it turns into a one-hundred-dollar bill. His face lights up.
Jesus looks back and gives him a wink.
Santa held the door for Jesus and as they walked out I heard them explain as they walked out of site
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night