So, hey, it’s us. Listen, we both feel like we have really gotten to know you here at Funny or Die. I mean, we just made you that mix, and there are some pretty romantic undertones to it. We’re not stupid or anything, we knew what we were doing. There was some clear chemistry there. This has actually been nice. It’s not everyday that we let our guard down and meet some sweet, down to earth, normal, *cute people. Yeah, that’s right. Cute. We are attracted to you! We really thought this was going somewhere.
And then we saw your Facebook page.
Oh dear god no.
Your Facebook page is a veritable clearance sale of Dealbreakers. Everything must go! Examples:
Pictures: You wearing cargo pants (taken after 2002)!
Favorite music: whatever’s on the radio!
Status update: “It’s thirsty Thursday and I’m getting crunk!”
Recently joined groups: Thank God For Prop 8! I’m A ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ Girl! Paul Blart For President!
Fav. Quote: "Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”
What. The. Fuck. I mean, we could have seen the warning signs, but you were just so charming. You really disarmed us, and we didn’t count on your online presence boasting such a conucopia of terrible. We don’t want to beat a dead horse, but that shit was like an all you can eat buffet of Suck. So, Mr./Mrs. “Autopsy is My Favorite Show” (we didn’t even know that show was still on), consider this our graceful exit from your life. We had a fun week blogging for you, and feel free to read our website, DEALBREAKER, at any time, but kindly forget that we drunkenly gave you our phone number, and that we said, “I never do this.” Because it’s true, we never do. And this is why.
Goodbye forever. Call us maybe? Look, we’re confused.
Love (*like? ugh, this is stupid),