image The random suit-wearer in question

This dude nobody has ever heard of announced this morning that he would seek the Republican nomination for President in 2012. 
A Caucasian male over 45 who currently holds or perhaps previously held an elective office in the United States of America – or not – announced his candidacy before a podium set up in the parking lot of a shopping mall somewhere in what was probably a red state. 
I stand before you,” smiled the candidate, “a wealthy, clean-shaven, exclusively English-speaking natural-born U.S. citizen, ready to take on a host of vaguely-identified threats meant to frighten older Caucasians such as myself,” he said to the small crowd of supporters, journalists, bloggers, curious passers-by and a few homeless people that appeared to at the very least have some minor mental problems. 
The candidate added that although he himself happened to be Caucasian, he didn’t necessarily have to be when you consider that two African-Americans were already waging pointless egocentric campaigns for the party’s Presidential nomination. 

“America needs smart, decisive leadership in every area, and I’ll cut my own throat with a rusty saw before admitting that we’re getting such leadership from the current administration,” said the suburban-dwelling suit-wearer, “And I know I can get the job done.”

In laying out his plan for America, the candidate said that he wants to reduce the deficit and will vote against “Obamacare” and any expansion of Medicare. The candidate favors second-amendment rights and is opposed to abortion.

The candidate said that he will always support America’s troops, then expressing a desire for them to eventually come home from “all those foreign-y places over there where they’re fighting for American capitalism.” He said that he is a staunch supporter of the fight against terrorism and of the state of Israel, and he chastised President Obama for his recent statements on a future Palestinian state.

“The President needs to stand up for that great albatross around our neck in the Middle East, Israel,” said the Republican, adding, “Much like the United States if you ignore the constitution and the written history of America’s founding fathers, Israel was founded on Judeo-Christian principles.”

When a few confused murmurs were heard throughout the crowd, he added, “Or Judeo, anyway.”

Regarding taxes, the candidate spoke at length but said nothing of substance. He appears to be against them.

“The problem with a tax,” said the candidate, “Is that by its very nature, it takes money out of the pockets of working people and puts it in the hands of the government.” The crowd nodded and gave light applause, apparently agreeing that this was, in fact, an accurate definition of the word “tax.”

The candidate followed this with a series of jokes that he clearly had not written himself that were meant to coin an anti-tax catchphrase that would be identified with his campaign. Each such joke and catchphrase proved less clever than the one it followed.

The candidate was later joined by his wife, whom he had married in a Judeo-Christian ceremony a decade earlier, and two children, a boy and a girl whom the candidate had apparently fathered with said wife. When his family joined the candidate at the podium applause erupted from his supporters, who apparently found the fact that he had convinced a female of the species to breed notable.

The candidate also made statements implying that he was not in favor of same-sex marriage.
“I stand with the minority of Americans,” said the candidate, “who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman,” which went a long way toward explaining why he had married a woman.

“This is a value inherent in the Judeo-Christian faith that I practice, the faith in which an overwhelming majority of Americans regularly give lip-service to when asked about the subject by pollsters.”

“By the time we get to Iowa,” promised the candidate, “It will be clear that I’m going to be the man President Obama wipes off the bottom of his shoe in November of 2012.” 

The candidate was then asked a few questions by journalists, but who the hell cares.