An incredible breakthrough has recently come about in the modern world of medicine as doctors of New Sea haven University release research proving that cutting the umbilical cord one week prior to the baby's delivery, can actually speed up the birthing process and create skinnier and more attractive babies.
Marcy McDonald of San Diego stated, "I'm relieved to have this done early. I'm tired of seeing chubby babies and this will give them a head start to defeat the uprising child obesity epidemic." Doctors say that the only real side effect that may occur is "extreme adorableness".
Dr. W. Mathau stated, "I've been delivering babies now for 47 years and this is the greatest discovery I've seen in the field." He also stated that babies will be able to learn to read at a faster pace and possibly even be able to breath under water for up to several hours at a time; thus ending the term, "baby being thrown out with the bath water." Derrick Dean (Smuffking Times)