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October 24, 2016

Negan is here and he's ready to blow some minds. 15 of the most ridiculous things from last night's season seven premiere of 'The Walking Dead' S07E01 "The Day Will Come When You Won't Be"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Scene Missing

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND. WE. ARE. BACK! Welcome to season seven, folks! Let’s get right into it! Wait, did my DVR skip something? Because it seems like there’s a key scene missing. I was under the impression that when this episode started we’d get to see that thing we’ve been waiting six months to see? After much fan outrage that they made us wait, seemingly for no good reason? No? Just going to blow right past it? Awesome. Great! YOU HAD ONE JOB, AMC. It’s also worth noting that they started season 6 with a disjointed in media res timeline, so playing this game on a season premiere isn’t even fresh for them, but zombie WHATEVS let’s just get on with the show.

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I’m going to kill you. And then I’m going to put chocolate milk in all the water fountains and we can chew gum in class.

Rick. Nobody believes your promise right now. I don’t know if you’re paying attention, but that’s not delicious Kool-Aid on the end of that scary man’s bat. You might want to keep your mouth shut here.

2) “Trailer Talk With Negan And Rick” Is My New Favorite Podcast

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“Trailer Talk with Negan and Rick” is definitely my new favorite podcast. Nothing makes my commute fly by like listening to two guys talk about all my favorite topics. Stuff and things like what happened, what could’ve happened, what the hell was happening when they replaced Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince with another Aunt Viv, and whether or not one dude should pick up an axe to murder the other dude. Was anyone MORE THAN SLIGHTLY IRRITATED at the way Negan kept making references to the death we still haven’t seen? “Did you see what just happened? What I just did?” Nope. No I did not. “Remind you of anybody you know?” Nah. The zombie that just splattered all over the windshield doesn’t remind me of anybody I know, but thanks for checking in. Love me a good check in. Will let you know if it rings a bell, maybe after the next commercial break.

3) Get My Axe, Please

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You want Rick to fetch an axe? That’s it? This is Rick “Bathe In A Man’s Blood Just For The Taste Of It” Grimes! I saw this guy chew another dude’s throat one time like it was a chicken quesadilla. I seent him kill a man then start banging his wife and raising his children! Dude’s savage! Pretty sure he can handle this axe task. But it’s going to take some grunting, a little shoving, and whole lot of remembering to get the job done. Try asking him to hook shot an axe onto the roof, fairly certain that’s a more challenging assignment.

4) These Seizure Inducing Flashbacks Are Annoying

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This isn’t stylistic, it’s just dumb. I should know the difference, I’m dumb as hell. These strobe light flashbacks don’t effectively build tension to the death reveal. Season six did a great job of building that tension! But because they made us wait six months (and a 1/3 of an episode so far) to see which buddy got beaten, that tension is gone. So now they’re using these corny flashbacks to remind us why we should care and that Aaron is still a person on the show. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Pee on my leg because I got stung by a jellyfish and you know that pee will fix it because you saw it once on an episode of Friends.

5) Neegan, Meeny, Miny, No

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Where did Negan learn how to Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe? Because this is NOT regulation. His Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe game is officially fucked up. It’s all over the place in order and pacing. This show is not suitable for kids. Mostly because kids know how to play this kids game and they’d probably be as infuriated as me to see Negan take such liberties with it. He really is a bad guy! I get it now. Totally get it. You can roll the end credits, I’ve got a firm grasp on how bad he is based on his wanton disregard for the laws of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe.

6) Adios, Abe

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Bummer. I’m going to miss this dude and all the profane shit he said that barely made sense. “Loose ends make my ass itch.” “Why are dingleberries brown? It’s just the way shit is.” Talking about making pancakes as a metaphor for unprotected sex with the intention of conceiving a child. At least we got one last “suck my nuts” for the road. And a really sweet two finger callback to last season. That was tough. But the hard part is over! I’ve got a great feeling about the rest of this episode. I don’t read the comics, but I’m pretty sure the next scene is the one where Negan takes the gang out for pizza and froyo after the soccer game. Did they win the soccer game? No. But that doesn’t mean the whole team can’t take home the trophy that is a tummy full of pizza and froyo.

7) Wait. No. NOOOOOOOOO.

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Ugh. No. Not Glenn. After all the Glenn’s dead psyche outs we had to endure last season, and one mini psyche out at the end of the Negan meeny miny countdown, it was such a bummer to see Glenn get got. I’ve been watching this show since the beginning (I’ve read less than two full books in that time) and Glenn has been with Rick since the first episode. This was really sad. And then the eye popping out was REALLY gross. It was really gross and really sad and the end was super disgusting. Not dissimilar to what I can only imagine having sex with a cousin is like, except this was grosser and sadder and would be slightly more offensive to show footage of at a family reunion.

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“Lucille’s thirsty!” is my new war cry when I’m getting a round of Fireball shots at a bar. From now on whenever I order a round of Fireball shots I’m going to scream, “Lucille’s thirsty!” in memory of Glenn. And when the bartender is like, “Who’s Lucille?” I’m going to say, “She’s an old lady in the back and she loves whiskey that tastes like cinnamon. What’s with all the questions, Officer Booze? RIP the homie Glenn.” Then I’ll make my exit leaving that bartender with a lot of questions rattling between his ears.

8) Glenn’s Death Would’ve Been The Way Better Way To Start The Season

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You know what would’ve been awesome and unexpected and perfect? If season six ended the way it should’ve, with us seeing Abraham die sans dumb cliffhanger, and then season seven opened with Glenn’s death. It would’ve been really shocking! Also, main characters on this show never die in the season premiere (Or maybe they do? Feel free to tell me I’m wrong in the comments, you nerds. I read all the comments.) so it would’ve been double shocking. That’s how you take your audience on an emotional journey through the depths of possibility in a spaceship of imagination. They’d rather take us on a mid-July road trip to Barstow in a cramped Datsun with broken air conditioning.

9) American Zombie Warrior

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The hanging guy with the X is back! They got all none of our letters demanding it. Did anyone else say, “Ewwwwwww,” when this zombie rope course obstacle’s neck slimed off? It was gross! But when you’ve seen a guy’s eye pop out of his skull, it’s hard to be grossed out by anything else. The zombie would have to say something like, “I grab women by the pussy,” or whatever, but that would be too ridiculous and terrible even for this show.

10) They Didn’t Have To Use Those Head Cracks They Filmed

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I get why they filmed all these alternate character deaths. I get it! A show like this has a lot of cast and crew and keeping a major secret under wraps can be tough. So you film the alternate deaths so no blog can for sure report on the death because technically everyone died. But they didn’t have to put those deaths in the show. You didn’t kill a buffalo here, really no need to use all the parts. It felt like they used the “think about what could’ve happened” thing as a way to throw these in as an afterthought. On second thought, the Carl one was nice. They should’ve just showed that one a couple dozen times. I wouldn’t object to a full “Carl gets his head bashed in” episode. There might be enough story there for a spinoff series.

11) Rick WILL Kill Negan With This Axe … In The Year 2045

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Yeah, Rick. I feel like you’re gonna need that axe, too! WINKY FACE! TO KILL NEGAN! On the season 36 premiere of The Walking Dead in the year 2045, in a crossover episode with one of the 17 Walking Dead spinoff shows and three of the 632 Walking Dead spinoff mini web series, right after the president of AMC buys a private island and names it “Egregious.”

12) Carl’s Arm Is Where They Draw The Line

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Editor’s Note: I didn’t come up with the amazing headline for this part of the post. Got it from /r/thewalkingdead which is a place you should really check out if you like this show.

After losing Glenn and Abe, I’m not sure how I’m expected to care about Carl’s hand. Yes, that is the hand he’d presumably use to close the “will he/won’t he finger that moody girl in the woods?” story arc if she ever gets out of that closet. But whatever. Cut it off or don’t. Honestly can’t be bothered to care right now. Also, “Spread them wings,” is the new thing I’m going to say every time I get a second round of Fireball shots. I’m going to saunter up to that bar, mumble, “Spread them wings,” throw up a peace sign and the bartender is going to be like, “Yeah, you’re cut off. Here’s a glass of water. Where are your friends? Did you really come here alone?”

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Remember when The Bible did this with God and Abraham? The Bible was a pretty good book, this show should do The Bible stuff more often.

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The face when you finally understand that half of your face now belongs to Negan.

Guys. This is not a drill. Rick Grimes is crying like a bitch. He’s officially broken. Daryl’s in the back of a vehicle shaking like a dog that knows he’s en route to get his dog balls cut off, not by a veterinarian but by a FedEx guy with rusty scissors and a grudge. And any doubts that Negan is a dude you shouldn’t mess with have been quelled by his ability to make “Ta ta” sound intimidating as fuck. Anyway, I’ve got a great feeling about this. I think they’re going to be out of this jam in three, maybe four seasons tops.

13) Maggie’s Plan

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Maggie, I know you want to limp your way to revenge but let me assure you that you’re not in great shape and also Negan has like 500 dudes and a bunch of weapons. You’ve got no dudes or weapons. And you’re revenging for two. Take a load off, visit one of this world’s many fake doctors, deliver that incredibly cute child, and then you can go get yourself killed.

14) How Has Rick Not Wiped That Face Blood Off?

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I know Rick loves to be covered in blood (almost as much as that other guy on that other show I also watch that airs at the same time on the same network just during different parts of the year) but maybe wipe that brain juice off your face? It’s gross, Rick. Super nasty. And did you guys notice the dude with the camera in the back taking a picture of Glenn? It was a VERY SAD callback to Glenn seeing the wall of bashed in skull pics last season. He just became one of those pics. Do you guys think the dude who takes those pics was assigned to that job? Because I think it’s just a creepy guy who started taking pictures and nobody knows what to do. “Jeff gave me another picture of a bashed in skull. Third one this week. I’m really starting to worry about the guy, but I don’t know how to talk to him about it. I just keep taking the creepy photos and smiling politely.“

15) This Table Scene Bummed Me Out

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This table scene made me sad, especially Glenn’s adorable baby. Don’t worry, guys! I think Glenn might still be alive? His, uh, brain is hiding out under a dumpster somewhere? Sad face. JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will the episode be more depressing than this one? I think that’s impossible. Will I ever learn Negan’s sidekick’s name? Absolutely not. He is, and forever will be, Trevor from Grand Theft Auto V. Will Lucille get her own spinoff show? Seems like a natural World Series tie-in. Get on it, AMC! Am I happy to be back writing these? YES! VERY. MUCH. SO. YOU. GUYS. None of this and more on S07E02 of The Walking Dead!