Dear Chair of the Republican Party,
I am writing to you as an American of color, and I hear that you have a minority problem. Is it okay to call it a minority problem? Scratch that. I hear that you are doing quite well appealing to the conservative, white, bring-your-bible-to-school, hate-trendy-things demographic. For that, I admire your conviction, albeit fraught with slightly awkward racist undertones.
And I understand where you're coming from. No one feels completely comfortable being a minority, and no one likes it when their status as part of the majority is threatened. Trust me, I know. I like to stick to groups where I am not a minority. You know, like top ranked academic institutions and big cities.
But America is changing. And it would behoove you - sorry, didn't mean to be an elitist - it would help you to change with it. You need an updated agenda. One based upon an immigration policy not aimed at harassing Latino families, or one including drastic cuts in spending that does not disproportionately affect African-American households. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have a little more color amongst your ranks. And, no, Bobby Jindal doesn't count. People just get freaked out when an Indian dude starts speaking with a fake Southern drawl - trust me, I've tried.
Such alterations to your platform would go a long way in making inroads into the growing non-white demographic that comprises our rich country. Here's a general rule of thumb you can use to stay on track. If a certain ideological position makes a racist person who owns more than two guns jump up with eyes full of glee and chant "America", you probably want to nix it from your platform.
You are lucky to have the resources of Mitt Romney, and other like-minded individuals, who are so familiar with the process of redefining one’s self. Refining your outlook will be a slow process, and no says it will be easy. But the makeup of America is different, and in the words of Kim Kardashian, "you are so last season".
Kabir Iyengar is a writer and comedian who makes humorous videos and tweets regularly on today's social, political, and economic issues. He holds a B.A. in Economics from the University of Chicago.
Follow him on Twitter @kabiriyengar
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