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September 23, 2015

In an interview this week with the BBC, the Dalai Lama revealed that he thinks the next Dalai Lama could be a woman, but only if she were an attractive woman. His choice? Kim Kardashian.

The Dalai Lama revealed that he thinks the next Dalai Lama could be a woman, but only if she were an attractive woman. He told the interviewer, “I mean, if female Dalai Lama come, then that female must be very attractive, otherwise not much use.” In a follow-up interview, the Dalai Lama further clarified his position.

In a recent interview, you said that you would be accepting of a female Dalai Lama, but only if she is “very attractive.” Can you expound on what you mean by that?
Yes, I think that in order for a woman to be a successful Dalai Lama, she must, above all, be attractive.

But what do you specifically mean by “attractive?”
Oh. That she be crazy-hot.

Any other qualities you’d look for?
Do you really need any other qualities in a woman? I like to say that, “the purpose of our lives is to be happy.” But that only applies to men. For women, the purpose of life is to be hot.

Okay, so who is a woman that you think is qualified to be the next Dalai Lama?
Kim Kardashian would be the perfect Dalai Lama. She’s intoxicating. My only regret is that she’d become Dalai Lama after I die. Plus, she’s exotic, so people would be like “yes, this woman could maybe be Asian.” And Kim would age well, especially since she has access to expensive plastic surgery. Which brings me to my next point: as soon as Kim gets old and wrinkled, she’s out as Dalai Lama.

But isn’t the Dalai Lama supposed to be the leader for life?
Yes, but we’d get rid of that rule for a female Dalai Lama. Unlike men, women don’t get hotter with age. You know, the word “lama” means “guru” — it is my great hope that, before she ages, Kim will teach all the women in the world to suffer to look as effortlessly hot as she does.

What specific qualifications does Kim Kardashian have to become Dalai Lama?
Her rarefied ass. Her pillowy lips. Her celestial cleavage pressed up against my body. Her long, flowing dark hair sliding past my face. That voice! My list of Kim turn-ons is infinite, much like life is infinite.

Um, I meant more, like, are you concerned that Kim Kardashian isn’t a monk or even philosophically inclined?
Hahahaha. No. One of my famous sayings is, “in our struggle for freedom, truth is the only weapon we possess.” But women also possess the hotness weapon. So if you think about it, by being hot, Kim has already achieved true, holy, spiritual enlightenment. She’s on a otherworldly plane. She’s the perfect woman and thus the perfect Dalai Lama.

Is it problematic that Kim Kardashian, your next Dalai Lama choice, made a widely-circulated sex tape?
No. In fact, it’s a bonus because her sex tape shows that she is willing to show off her beauty for all of us to see. She is sharing herself with the world. Like I always say, “if you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” This is true of women’s looks — women’s looks should not harm our man eyes.

Are there any other women you’d nominate to be Dalai Lama?
Hmm, let me pull up Instagram. It’s how I keep track of my nominees for hot female Dalai Lama candidates. Let’s see … Kate Upton — now that is a physically enlightened woman! Emily Ratajkowski — she understands the art of happiness by being naked as much as possible. Cara Delevingne — she’s achieved zen perfection by suggestively sticking out her tongue. Maybe we can have multiple Dalai Lamas — there are too many hot women to choose from!

Are you concerned these women won’t look “hot” in the traditional Dalai Lama robe?
Oh, I thought of that. That’s why I designed a line of form-fitting, sheer robes for the female Dalai Lama. I want these robes to be as minimal as possible, so that people will not pay attention to the material things in life, but instead to Kim’s ethereal body. In one of my books (buy it here), I say, “love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries; without them, humanity cannot survive.” I forgot another necessity: female hotness. Without female hotness, humanity cannot survive because no one would have sex with an ugly woman.

But as a monk, you’re celibate, right …?
Yes, but what do you think my Instagram is for? Let’s just say, I know how to use my hands. On myself. Like I always say, “sleep is the best meditation.” But I should clarify: the second best meditation is masturbation.

Wow. We gave you a Nobel Peace Prize back in 1989.
Yep. I’m the best.