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September 09, 2017

After months of far-flung accusations, the news media comes out as fake.

News Media Confesses to Being Totally Fake

In yet another turn for the tumultuous Trump administration, the media as a whole admitted to being entirely and utterly fake this Thursday morning. In a joint press release, executives from the major television and newspaper corporations undersigned a statement describing in detail how the news media is “textbook fake”, “100%-bonafide-apocraphyal”,and “sad”. The press release went on to apologize for underplaying the staggering crowds at President Trump’s inauguration as well as the President’s gargantuan hands.

This development shocked many pundits, who have proposed various theories for this president’s public antagonism with mainstream news sources. Some have pointed towards an increasingly polarized populace.Others have blamed powerful donors and owners for profiteering off divisive rhetoric that damages trust. Of course, such speculation is completely irrelevant now that the media has come out as sheer make-believe. In a rare political win for the beleaguered Trump administration, this morning’s press release confirmed the accusation that all written, televised or radio material from these news sources are concocted, fictitious, or otherwise bogus. The document cites the online conspiracy show Info Wars as being the rare source exempt from this rampant falsehood, as well as the occasional Fox News report about disgruntled venture capitalists.

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After months on the offensive, President Trump is vindicated after news sources revealed as poppycock.

Perhaps feeling the heat from the President’s pointed use of hashtags, an unannounced meeting between major news heads convened in the New York Time’s Manhattan headquarters on Wednesday night. After a night of closed-door deliberations ,a distraught and unsavory crowd emerged that included crooks, charlatans, magicians and others in the business of illusion and deceit. In a chaotic scene, sobbing news executives poured out into the streets, some burning every newstand in sight, while others loudly made plans to escape the country. In the frenzy, photographers captured images of repentant talk-show hosts self-flagellating while Pulitzer-winning journalists tearfully shredded their life’s work. According to police authorities, several witnesses claim to have seen a fleeing Hillary Clinton unzipping from what appeared to be a full body disguise, in a posture several described as “nasty”.

After the press release came to light, and miscreants were dealt their minimum mandatory sentences, there was significant jubilation from the Trump Camp. In a press conference, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced, “President Trump is delighted, and in no way asleep on the job, to see his views on the news media confirmed. The President has long asserted that the country’s sources of information are not real. The President will provide his full thoughts on the matter during his next bowel movement.” As of press time, it is not clear how any readers will access this information since all news is fake and all media going defunct. As an act of faith, this article will be released into the media-free nebula in the hope that the president will choose to retweet it.