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Published July 15, 2013

Sanford, FL — In the aftermath of George Zimmerman's acquittal, perhaps the most shocking news is that disgraced celebrity chef Paula Deen is now dating George Zimmerman. 
 
Witnesses say Deen met Zimmerman outside the courtroom, where she hugged him and said, "Who's my favorite little nigger hunter? Huh?"  
 
Upon hearing this, observers alleged Zimmerman restrained his smile to avoid looking overly gleeful.  
 
Deen then pulled Zimmerman close and said, "Honey, how do you feel about going into business together? Imagine the possibilities! A line of Deen-Zimmerman Handguns. Or Roasted Brazil Nuts!"
 
"Brazil nuts?"
 
"Nigger toes, dear."
 
Neighbors of Deen reported Zimmerman later arrived at Deen's house, where she welcomed him in a fur-trimmed pink silk chemise. A passerby said he saw the two copulating on the back lawn in what he described as "a scene from the movie Deliverance." 
 
The following morning at the local Starbucks, the two sat at a table and were overheard talking.
 
Observers said Zimmerman asked, "What if we did a reality show called Nigger Hunters? Guys hide guns in their pants, stalk niggers, violently confront them, then shoot them when they fight back! I could host it."
 
"Brilliant, George!" said Deen.
 
At this point, observers said Zimmerman appeared to get teary-eyed. 
 
"Paula, I hate to think you lost everything for saying nigger, while I walked scot free after killing one."
 
"I know, it's a crazy country," Deen said. 
 
Then Zimmerman asked, "How's your white mocha?" 
 
"Delicious. Try a sip," Deen said. 
 
Zimmerman took a sip that left a giant white milk mustache on his upper lip. Deen laughed and wiped it off his face. 
 
When reached for comment, Zimmerman vehemently denied dating Deen.  
 
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