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May 18, 2017

Here are Paul Ryan's thoughts on the classic children's book about giving.

I would like to start by saying that this is the worst book that Mrs. Goldsmith has assigned to our class this year. Not only that, this Shel Silverstein guy sounds like a real booger.

This book is about a needy kid that is always asking for a handout from a chump tree. “Tree, I need money. Give me apples.” “Tree, I need a house. Give me branches.” “Tree, I don’t feel good. Give me a doctor or way to pay for a doctor.” That last part is not in the book, but is an example of selfishness. If I was that kid, I would pull myself up from my bootstraps and build a house out of my own spit and dirt. I guess you could argue that the Earth gives you dirt, but shut up.

The moral of this book is that if you keep giving to people that have nothing, they will never stop asking for things. That is why, when I am beaten up for my lunch money, I only give it to the kids that already have way too much lunch money. I know they are doing it for fun and not necessity. My goal in life is to make sure those kids keep gaining lunch money, so I can be invited to better birthday parties.

During summer vacation, I built my own ant farm, and when those ants became overpopulated, I drowned the weakest ones in a bucket. When the boy comes back in the end, he is old and too weak even to eat apples. Why should we care about old people that can’t work anymore? I ate three apples today. I am so much better than that old boy.

I also wouldn’t be friends with a dumb tree. We have way different interests: For example, I like to run and then look at myself in the mirror all sweaty. Trees just stand there. I like breathing the fresh air while running. I have no idea where that air comes from, but it is good.

It didn’t make sense when the tree becomes a stump and the boy returns and sits on her and she is happy again. I wouldn’t be happy if someone sat on me. I know this because last week Tim Sklar sat on me and called me a ballsack and everyone laughed (including the teachers) and it did NOT feel good. When I am older, I will make sure that teachers can’t band together against me again. No one will form a union against me again.

Every time Tim beats someone up with his tiny child fists I say “Go Tim!” because that is how you make sure everyone knows you are a winner, to support whoever has the most power no matter what (even if his best friend is the weird Russian kid who keeps taking his shirt off in class).

I also didn’t get why the tree was a girl. Girls are gross.