By Dr. Buddha



Hi there, Buddha here. Ever wonder how you can have the body of God? Well, now you can. All it requires is peace, tranquility, eating food, and zen. Maybe one day you could have the physique of I, Gautama Buddha. The Beatles once claimed they were bigger than Jesus. Eventually they apologized for saying that because it was the wrong thing to say, but one thing’s for sure, The Beatles combined do not have the body mass of Buddha. Those pasty, skinny, English blokes Ringo, Paul, George, John and I even checked once. This is the sort of thing you should aspire to achieve, with the power of will, you can. Patience, young grasshopper. Patience and zen.

So you’ve probably wondered how I got the body I have. I do understand that dieting and an exercise regime can be very difficult and frustrating sometimes. But just remember: BUDDHISTS NEVER GET MAD ABOUTANYTHING, EVER. Just be zen.

I understand many of my followers (both the religious ones and the ones on Twitter) are vegan. I forget where in the book of Buddha I wrote that you can’t eat animals. Don’t I look like a God that eats? Just saying. But you can be who you want to be. Your zen-pal, Buddha.

FOOD With the power of the mind and zen, you can eat anything you want to eat and still retain a Buddha-like figure. I eat donuts for breakfast, as they are a good symbol of all that is holy in the world. Do you see what I did there? The more holy donuts, the better. A good measure would be two do-zen. If you are in training for a big sporting event, a marathon, or to be in the new “Rocky” movie, it is true that it’s best to eat egg whites. You should just eat them anyway, because they taste pretty great. I still haven’t figured out how to separate the egg whites from the yolks yet. I suppose I could just use the power of transcending mind, but that just seems like cheating. I’ve also invented a margarine-based dietary supplement called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddha”. The title makes sense if you think about it; you should always not believe something is not Buddha, because Buddha is everywhere.


EXCERCISE In college, my friends all called me “Jabba”. I think this was because I played a lot of basketball. It might have been a harpooning reference, but it was more likely a reference to the coolest basketball player of the day. I was pretty good at shooting hoops because I could make the ball levitate at will. If you don’t want to play basketball consider becoming a loveable mascot. They offered me a spot on the “Celebrity Biggest Loser” but I turned it down because that wouldn’t be fair if I could use magic and the other contestants couldn’t. I saw them do this one challenge once where the contestants run with bags of sand and then gradually throw the bags away. The bags represented the weight they had shed. I had to turn the TV off because I couldn’t help thinking how easy that challenge was, and what a waste of sand it was too. I would have used that sand to grow a garden of bonsai trees. I like bonsai trees because they make me feel like a giant.


MEDITATION I recommend you climb to the top of a small grassy knoll (this is a word that means "hill") and meditate there once or twice a day. If you can’t find one, substitute this for sitting in a La-Z-Boy watching reruns of “Two and a Half Men”. It’s a great show although I will admit the quality has declined in recent years. Angus T. Jones used to be cute as a button. Years ago, I wanted him to play me in a movie about my life, or at least the kid scenes, but in the ensuing years since this movie has been stuck in developmental hell (sorry, heck) he looks completely different. I have to find someone else now.


In conclu-zen, I wish you luck on your quest towards getting a Buddha-like figure. Just remember life is always easier if you are a plump and jolly God. Give me a ring sometime, me and Santa are going to the mall to sit in some massage chairs but not pay for them as when you’re Buddha money has no value.