Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 25, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The New York Post reported on a program at 13 New York City high schools that give out emergency contraceptives without parental consent. Much like the reading level of the New York Post's audience, the story is nearly two-years-old. 

The Los Angeles Fire Department is testing out a motorcycle unit. It'll be just like the TV show "CHiPs" but way more interesting. 

Kellogg will soon be selling its products in China. The only difference being that all the toys in cereal boxes say "some assembly required."

Speaking to reporters in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad laughed and said his country can't be hurt by “foreign bombs." F-bombs, on the other hand, very much so, so please watch your language.

Scientists say they've been able to classify breast cancer into just four types. Really bad, really awful, like torture, and "Access Hollywood" marathon. 

Officials have discovered an unknown SARS-like virus that killed at least one person in Saudi Arabia. Said the media, "Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes, Syria!"

Katie Couric revealed that she was bulimic in college. Bulimia being a condition in which one binges on food then tries to work with Matt Lauer.

A new poll says Ritz crackers are American's No. 1 favorite snack. Meanwhile, America's No. 1 complaint is yet again "these kids, these damn kids."

Google's stock has reached an all-time high. To celebrate, the company bought everyone a Yahoo. 

Vietnam has imprisoned three anti-government bloggers. Because it literally is a crime to still use LiveJournal.

Arnold Schwarzenegger kicked off the first meeting of his think tank, the Schwarzenegger Institute for State and Global Policy. The day's focus? "Growing Hostilities With Pakistan: If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It." 

In an interview with "60 Minutes," Mitt Romney said that anyone who is sick and doesn't have insurance should go to the emergency room. Sucks for you, Mitt Romney's campaign.