We begin the Finale episode with all the couples waking up after banging out.
Carly: “All of Paradise was worth it for these moments with Evan.”
Dick Pastor Evan attempts to rap AT Carly: “So, I fell in love with a girl named Carly. She got me chilling on the beach like a guy named Marley. She’s gluten free, that includes barley.”
We see a hummingbird pollinating flowers to represent Grant and Lace’s night together.
Grant tells Lace that he’s not sure if he’s going to propose to her and she’s upset.
Lace’s confessional: “I never thought in a million years I was going to wake up in the fantasy suite crying because I don’t know where Grant’s head’s at. Why did we get tattoos if you’re going to wake up the next morning and question if we should get engaged or not?”
Lace: “I feel like if we don’t get engaged then we’re probably not going to make it.”
We then check in with a post-banging Vile Nick Viall and Jen.
Nick’s confessional: “I could get used to looking at her for the rest of my life.”
Moving on to Asshole Josh and Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. AMANDA HAS TEMPORARY TEETH ON??? Did she get punched in the face?? Is Asshole Josh just as aggressive in the bedroom??
She describes this as the biggest day of her life.
Josh tries to act like he’s considering other people besides himself in what he’s about to do, since he hasn’t met her daughters: “We’re not in the real world yet.”
The Dudes Meet Neil Lane
Dick Pastor Evan wears a very sheer shirt and I can’t stop staring at his titties for the rest of the episode.
Grant still debates what to do.
Neil Lane digs into Vile Nick Viall. LOVE IT.
Neil has even prepared a fun one-liner for seeing Josh again.
Dick Pastor Evan Proposes to Carly
Dick Pastor Evan gives Carly an incredibly cheesy speech, shocking no one, “Our life in Paradise has been nothing short of epic.”
“The hospital visit shows how special and unique we are.”
Dick Pastor Evan starts crying, “It’s the most amazing inexplicable mind-blowing thing in a million years.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “I feel like my heart beats to your soul. I want my kids to see love like we have. I want them to know an amazing woman like you are. Carly, I want to chase after fairytales and go on all of the adventures and find all of the interesting things in this world to explore.”
Carly: “You make me want to be fearless. You are fearless in the pursuit of love and you were fearless in the pursuit of me. I would die for you.” Carly is trying to escalate shit???
This declaration sends Dick Pastor Evan into a transcendent hallucinatory state.
Dick Pastor Evan: “Will you freaking marry me?”
Carly asks Evan to accept her rose. Evan: “A thousand times a million times everything, yes! Yes! Yes!!!”
Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “She embraced my weird. If you don’t like it that’s fine. And she did like it.”
They ride off in a van into the sunset. Dick Pastor Evan looks like he’s BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT.
Dick Pastor Evan: “Hashtag Blessed.”
Carly: “And they all lived Happily Evan After.”
Grant Proposes to Lace
Grant: “How you doing?” Lace: “I want to throw up.” Grant: “I believe you.”
Lace: “I find you beyond handsome. Uh, witty…”
Lace: “I thought to myself ‘I can’t keep running… Why am I running?’ That’s when I realize that I love this guy… I love you Grant Kemp but I love Grace more.”
Grant tricks her: “Sometimes time is what you need to get those answers.”
Grant: “When things first started with us they were wild and crazy. ”
Grant: “I even love you when you’re screaming at me.”
Grant: “But mostly, I love you when you’re Lace. I want babies with you. I want to build a life with you. I want that to start today.”
Lace: “I just love that we both came in here open-minded. We deserve this.”
Vile Nick Viall Dumps Jen
Jen: “This is his third show… I’m ready to be a wife and mother.”
Jen: “Coming into this my eyes went right for you… The chemistry was instant and intense. I knew that day I found something special and you’ve proven me right since that day…”
Nick starts crying.
Nick: “I’m a better person today than I was when you showed up.”
Nick: “I wanted to say I was in love with you. Something in my heart said that I can’t. Sometimes you wish you could tell your heart to do.”
Nick: “If I could I would tell it to choose you. Something’s telling me to say goodbye.”
Nick: “[With Andi and Kaitlyn] I could say I had no regrets. I can’t say that now. It’s impossible not to say it’s not me. Maybe it’s my walls. ”
Nick: “The scary part is feeling I’m incapable of saying ‘I love you’ to anyone. It’s the biggest hurdle that I have to get over. There’s no assurances that anything will work out. My hearts in knots and I can’t untie it.”
Josh Proposes to Amanda
Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda: “I was questioning if my idea of love even existed. Kingsley and Charlie are going to adore you as much as I do.”
Josh gives a whole speech like he’s acting in a telenovela.
Josh tries to pretend his beads of sweat are tears, “I’m being a big baby up here right now.”
Josh proposes and a collective chill crawls up Bachelor Nation’s spine.
If you are the first person in Paradise, it is now a proven fact that you will get engaged by the end of it.
Asshole Josh describes Amanda’s ring to her: “There’s diamonds everywhere.”
IS THAT SWEAT?!?!!
A shot pans from Josh and Amanda making out…
To Lord Harrison summing up Paradise. Very bizarre choice.
We then get an update on where everyone is in their relationships since the show filmed.
Someone has edited together every shot of Ashley CrI crying this season which is wonderful.
Then they tell us not to worry about Barber Vinny because he’s getting laid a lot.
Then they do the CRUELEST thing Bachelor has ever done and trick us into thinking Mad Chad has a chance to be The Bachelor.
All the couples are still together as of now.
Asshole Josh and Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda have apparently done a professional photo shoot to prove to the world how non-threatening Josh is and how much Josh loves her children.
Lord Harrison taps a sign into the ground: Closed for the Season.
Guys, guys, guys. VILE NICK VIALL is the next Bachelor. I can’t even describe to you the insane level of emotions I experienced upon receiving this news. I’m pretty sure it’s like when astronauts see the Earth for the first time from space but so much better. We’re going to have SO many puns about second place and “fourth time’s the charm” and endless recounting of Nick’s “Walls”. I CANNOT. FUCKING. WAIT. THIS IS THE BEST DECISION LORD HARRISON HAS EVER MADE EVER. If anyone’s looking for me between now and January, I’ll be the one rocking back and forth under a bridge, sobbing and muttering, “Vile Nick Viall as Bachelor is Coming.”
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase