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September 12, 2016

The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

We begin the Finale episode with all the couples waking up after banging out.

Carly: “All of Paradise was worth it for these moments with Evan.”

The fuzziest moments of all.

Dick Pastor Evan attempts to rap AT Carly: “So, I fell in love with a girl named Carly. She got me chilling on the beach like a guy named Marley. She’s gluten free, that includes barley.”

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My favorite most salient fact about you is that you have insane gas if you eat cereal.

We see a hummingbird pollinating flowers to represent Grant and Lace’s night together.

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It’s hard to tell because its wings move so fast but this hummingbird is also COVERED in regrettable love tats.

Grant tells Lace that he’s not sure if he’s going to propose to her and she’s upset.

Lace really should trademark the love-hate relationship.

Lace’s confessional: “I never thought in a million years I was going to wake up in the fantasy suite crying because I don’t know where Grant’s head’s at. Why did we get tattoos if you’re going to wake up the next morning and question if we should get engaged or not?”

It’s almost as if the tattoos were not a completely well-thought out life decision…


Lace: “I feel like if we don’t get engaged then we’re probably not going to make it.”

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I feel like if we don’t get engaged after two weeks then why even bother having a relationship?

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Please, Lord Harrison, tell me if this is the woman I will sell teeth whitener and tea with on Instagram or if I should hold out for a hottie in BIP 4.

We then check in with a post-banging Vile Nick Viall and Jen.

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Nick’s confessional: “I could get used to looking at her for the rest of my life.”

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*She’s really good at holding a mirror up in front of her face.

Moving on to Asshole Josh and Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. AMANDA HAS TEMPORARY TEETH ON??? Did she get punched in the face?? Is Asshole Josh just as aggressive in the bedroom??

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She describes this as the biggest day of her life.

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Sex with Josh like, TOTALLY eclipsed the birth of my two daughters.

Josh tries to act like he’s considering other people besides himself in what he’s about to do, since he hasn’t met her daughters: “We’re not in the real world yet.”

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The Dudes Meet Neil Lane

Dick Pastor Evan wears a very sheer shirt and I can’t stop staring at his titties for the rest of the episode.

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Grant still debates what to do.

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I don’t know if I see a removable ring on her finger yet. I’m only at the level where I see half of my name permanently tattooed on her wrist.

Neil Lane digs into Vile Nick Viall. LOVE IT.

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Neil has even prepared a fun one-liner for seeing Josh again.

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Dick Pastor Evan Proposes to Carly

Dick Pastor Evan gives Carly an incredibly cheesy speech, shocking no one, “Our life in Paradise has been nothing short of epic.”

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Like the exciting twist when you were forced to kiss me and you immediately vomited.

“The hospital visit shows how special and unique we are.”

Oh right, you did uniquely trick me by faking an ankle injury that somehow required an IV.

Dick Pastor Evan starts crying, “It’s the most amazing inexplicable mind-blowing thing in a million years.”

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Dick Pastor Evan chokes back yet another boner.

Dick Pastor Evan: “I feel like my heart beats to your soul. I want my kids to see love like we have. I want them to know an amazing woman like you are. Carly, I want to chase after fairytales and go on all of the adventures and find all of the interesting things in this world to explore.”

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See kids, repulsion CAN turn into love with persistence plus alcohol.

Um is chasing fairytales like… butt stuff?

Carly: “You make me want to be fearless. You are fearless in the pursuit of love and you were fearless in the pursuit of me. I would die for you.” Carly is trying to escalate shit???

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This declaration sends Dick Pastor Evan into a transcendent hallucinatory state.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “Will you freaking marry me?”

At least he keeps his shit consistent.

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Maybe they actually are freaking perfect together.

Carly asks Evan to accept her rose. Evan: “A thousand times a million times everything, yes! Yes! Yes!!!”

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “She embraced my weird. If you don’t like it that’s fine. And she did like it.”

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They ride off in a van into the sunset. Dick Pastor Evan looks like he’s BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “Hashtag Blessed.”

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You know, I was actually the Pastor that invented Hashtag Blessed.

Carly: “And they all lived Happily Evan After.”

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Oh NO Carly. He stole your swag!!!

Grant Proposes to Lace

Grant: “How you doing?” Lace: “I want to throw up.” Grant: “I believe you.”

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Aw that is so classic you.

Lace: “I find you beyond handsome. Uh, witty…”

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Uh, cool? Uh… gets along well with others?

Lace: “I thought to myself ‘I can’t keep running… Why am I running?’ That’s when I realize that I love this guy… I love you Grant Kemp but I love Grace more.”

I love you but I love our combined hashtag name that will get us more IG followers more.

Grant tricks her: “Sometimes time is what you need to get those answers.”

You want more than two weeks to get to know me? Fuck OFF.

Grant: “When things first started with us they were wild and crazy. ”

Like when you were dry-humping Chad one minute and then punching him in the dick the next minute.

Grant: “I even love you when you’re screaming at me.”

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Which in our first two weeks together, lucky for me, seems to be most of the time.

Grant: “But mostly, I love you when you’re Lace. I want babies with you. I want to build a life with you. I want that to start today.”

Lace: “I just love that we both came in here open-minded. We deserve this.”

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Because we went on a reality TV dating show open-minded?

Vile Nick Viall Dumps Jen

Jen: “This is his third show… I’m ready to be a wife and mother.”

Jen: “Coming into this my eyes went right for you… The chemistry was instant and intense. I knew that day I found something special and you’ve proven me right since that day…”

Nick starts crying.

Nick: “I’m a better person today than I was when you showed up.”

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Nick: “I wanted to say I was in love with you. Something in my heart said that I can’t. Sometimes you wish you could tell your heart to do.”

Nick: “If I could I would tell it to choose you. Something’s telling me to say goodbye.”

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A little microphone in my ear is telling me if I say goodbye in a way that makes me still likable, I can be next Bachelor.

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Nick: “[With Andi and Kaitlyn] I could say I had no regrets. I can’t say that now. It’s impossible not to say it’s not me. Maybe it’s my walls. ”

Damn you Walls! Got me again!

Nick: “The scary part is feeling I’m incapable of saying ‘I love you’ to anyone. It’s the biggest hurdle that I have to get over. There’s no assurances that anything will work out. My hearts in knots and I can’t untie it.”

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If only I had 26 young women to enthusiastically help me untie these knots…

Josh Proposes to Amanda

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda: “I was questioning if my idea of love even existed. Kingsley and Charlie are going to adore you as much as I do.”

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I was questioning if there was even a guy My Little Pony brave enough to make love to me in a castle full of flowers and sparkles.

Josh gives a whole speech like he’s acting in a telenovela.

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I don’t even feel bad for her if she can’t see past this bs.

Josh tries to pretend his beads of sweat are tears, “I’m being a big baby up here right now.”

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The biggest, rapiest baby of them all.

Josh proposes and a collective chill crawls up Bachelor Nation’s spine.

If you are the first person in Paradise, it is now a proven fact that you will get engaged by the end of it.

Asshole Josh describes Amanda’s ring to her: “There’s diamonds everywhere.”


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When too much smugness in a person bottles up and it gushes out of every pore.

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A shot pans from Josh and Amanda making out…

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To Lord Harrison summing up Paradise. Very bizarre choice.

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Not one, not two, but three couples who will now join the TRUE competition to achieve Janner Post-BIP status.

We then get an update on where everyone is in their relationships since the show filmed.

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Someone has edited together every shot of Ashley CrI crying this season which is wonderful.

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Then they tell us not to worry about Barber Vinny because he’s getting laid a lot.

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Then they do the CRUELEST thing Bachelor has ever done and trick us into thinking Mad Chad has a chance to be The Bachelor.

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All the couples are still together as of now.

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Asshole Josh and Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda have apparently done a professional photo shoot to prove to the world how non-threatening Josh is and how much Josh loves her children.

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Undeniable photographic proof of his love for the girls.

Lord Harrison taps a sign into the ground: Closed for the Season.

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Now begins the worst season of them all: End of BIP to start of The Bachelor.

Guys, guys, guys. VILE NICK VIALL is the next Bachelor. I can’t even describe to you the insane level of emotions I experienced upon receiving this news. I’m pretty sure it’s like when astronauts see the Earth for the first time from space but so much better. We’re going to have SO many puns about second place and “fourth time’s the charm” and endless recounting of Nick’s “Walls”. I CANNOT. FUCKING. WAIT. THIS IS THE BEST DECISION LORD HARRISON HAS EVER MADE EVER. If anyone’s looking for me between now and January, I’ll be the one rocking back and forth under a bridge, sobbing and muttering, “Vile Nick Viall as Bachelor is Coming.”

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 7

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 6

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 4

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 2

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1

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