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December 17, 2016

Dude, what if all of life is just one big blooper?

“The Earliest Show” put together a compilation of the funniest outtakes from all six episodes… and it’s over an hour long. It’s an absolutely absurd amount of screw-ups and goofs to sit through at once. It’s like watching an entire movie, but instead of plot or characters all you have is burps.

Could someone watch a feature-length gag reel straight through from beginning to end and not go absolutely insane? I decided to try and find out…

1 minute: It looks like they all had a blast during the filming! Honestly, that’s so nice to know because it’s not always the case with these shows. During the final seasons of ‘Friends’ the cast refused to speak to to one another and would film their dialogue separately. Funny to think that all of that famous “chemistry” was actually between Jennifer Aniston and the large wax dummy they used as Ross’s stand-in.

Sorry, Madame Tussauds! Looks like these two are getting along just fine!

3 minutes: You know, we can only have 60 minutes of bloopers because of digital recording. Film was so expensive back in the day, they couldn’t afford to waste it. If you so much as cracked a smile during a take in Old Hollywood, you ended up on some list of communist sympathizers and that was the end of you, bucko.

You try and pull this kinda stuff back in Old Hollywood and you’d be lucky if they even let you mop up Clark Gable’s vomit.

8 minutes: There are a lot of scenes where Sam talks about how she needs to sleep for at least 18 hours a day. And they can’t figure out why! Oh man, “The Earliest Show” bloopers are this close to turning into an episode of ‘HOUSE.‘

A possible symptom? Or just another dead end?

11 minutes: Sam doesn’t believe in death? Marc makes his own underwear? Sam isn’t sure if she’s alive or trapped inside a virtual-reality simulation of her own life that she commissioned? So many of these bloopers would have completely changed the way I felt about the show. It’s like the editors tried to influence how we would feel by hand-picking the information they wanted us to… OH MY GOD THAT’S ALL OF LIFE!

Why can’t I watch a ‘The Earliest Show’ with a Josh and Marc “will they, won’t they” story line?!

12 minutes: A scene where Sam calls a pizza place and asks them to come over and slap Josh’s butt with a big pizza is a blooper? That just blows my mind. I know entire seasons of television shows, most of them on CBS, that aren’t as funny as someone ordering a pizza spanking delivery.

Fitness Expert Katie Veal deserves her own spin-off, too. Ooh! Or maybe she can be the new ‘Bachelorette?’

17 minutes: You know, it’s a real shame other art forms don’t have bloopers. Sure Michelangelo is a “genius,” but I think people would find his work a lot more approachable if they got to see all the times he made hands that looked like little skin colored mittens.

25 minutes: So many of these bloopers are of Marc confessing his love for Sam and then promptly getting shot down. Let that be a lesson to all of us: open up your heart and you’re asking for a blooper.

Sweet Marc. So innocent. So vulnerable to the bloopers.

27 minutes: There are a lot of goofs and screw ups here, but the music on this show is crafted to perfection. It’s more than just “catchy.” At first it makes you want to dance and then makes you want scream until your eyes bleed and when it stops you’d peel your own skin off just to hear it again.

Boogie on the outside. Screaming on the inside.

33 minutes: Sam and Josh have now both confessed to being the “pig” in a truffle hunt. Yes, this is a “blooper,” but how am I supposed to ignore that? When I watch this show an I supposed to “forget” about Sam and Josh on their hands and knees in the middle of a French forest sniffing around for mushrooms? Because that image has been forever seared into my mind.

Speaking of “seared into my mind…”

44 minutes: Who gets to decide what’s a “blooper” and what isn’t anyway? After seeing all these bits about Sam using a wheelchair for sympathy or having squirrel tail extensions that didn’t make the cut, I am convinced that I don’t need some editor to tell me what’s “funny” or “entertaining.” Give me the raw footage and I’ll make my own show, thank you very much!

First things first: Sick dunks should always make the cut!

48 minutes: Maaaan, most of life is just one big, long blooper. You don’t spend your entire life throwing winning touchdown passes or proposing to the love of your life. Those are just the highlights. We spend most our lives hungover at work, complaining to Seamless that they brought our pad thai to the wrong office again.

51 minutes: Maaaaaaaaaan, what if this whole THING is just God’s blooper? What if we’re his big goof and his “good take” on existence is out somewhere else and living in total contented harmony? And whenever God wants a good laugh, he checks back in to see us waiting in line for days so we can buy a new cellphone.

But can we really be God’s blooper if we have Pedro Pascal?

56 minutes: I am convinced that the very existence of bloopers is proof of alternative and/or parallel realities. Think about it. In one blooper, Josh makes Producer Marc let him punch him in the face during his interview with celebrity guest Jake Johnson. But in another blooper, it’s Josh that gets his butt kicked by Jake Johnson. From just one moment springs infinite possible ways for someone on the show to get beat up. Kinda beautiful, isn’t it?

65 minutes: What do you call the footage that is left over after the blooper reel has been cut? The bloopers to the bloopers? And after you put together the bloopers to the bloopers reel, what do you call what’s left? Relatively, is everything a blooper to something else? IS THIS WHAT PLATO WAS TALKING ABOUT WITH HIS REALM OF IDEAL FORMS? DID WATCHING AN HOUR OF BLOOPERS JUST MAKE ME AS SMART AS PLATO? Y’ALL THOUGHT THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME, BUT NOW Y’ALL CAN KISS MY BUTT BECAUSE BLOOPERS MADE ME DISCOVER PHILOSOPHY!