1) These Videotapes Do Not Make This Place Seem More Legit
Anytime someone tries to sell you a four tape video series, you should be aware you’re probably getting hosed on the deal. There’s almost nothing on earth worth learning that can’t be taught in three or less tapes. That fourth tape is a classic sucker move reserved strictly for suckers.
Wait. Sorry, I spoke too soon. This was before I learned about the bonus bucket. Four of your finest tapes, good sir! That compass and pocket constitution are really going to come in handy when shit hits the fan. And somehow this music is the creepiest music in the whole series to roll over the opening title.
2) This Lady’s Story Sucks
Of course her story sucks. Zero percent of any story in the history of stories has ever been good when it starts with canning beans. And who is she even talking about here? And did she REALLY just throw shade at a funeral? This is new levels of petty. I feel inspired to be more petty.
Let’s not point fingers about who has lost the most. Whether you’re on the show or watching it,we can all agree we’re losers.
3) Men Of Eventual Action
Relax, Vern Dog. Man, that is SO like Vern Dog to be getting all heated like this. The fearless leaders in charge will TOTALLY find out who is shooting helicopters out of the sky! Eventually. It’s at the top of their to do list, right after horseback riding lessons and the afternoon lemonade tasting.
I’m sorry, but I can’t trust a person if I can’t look them in both of their eyes. I NEED BOTH EYES FOR ANY TRUST. A man has to have a code.
4) I Do Not Know The Fable About The Ant & The Grasshopper
I’ve never heard of this fable. Is it even a top ten fable? And who hisses about fables as a way to diss someone? They’re either going to explain this fable by the end of the episode or they won’t and I honestly can’t tell which will piss me off more.
5) This Bible Study Party Sounds Terrible
Music, punch, AND the lord?! Sign me up! On the list of people who will be as far away from this shitty party as possible. This place is like a much lamer version of Alexandria. AND they have a Christian rock band? Yikes. AAAAND … the Clarks are Jewish? Huh. OK? Sure. Why not. The Clarks are Jewish now. You think that might’ve come up at least once. Maybe it did and I wasn’t paying attention? Sound off in the comments if it came up numerous times before and I just wasn’t paying attention.
6) This Podcast Sucks
The Bunk Bed Brigade is definitely my least favorite Walking Dead universe spinoff podcast. It’s certainly no Road Chats With The Jeep Boyz and just trash when you compare it to Trailer Talk With Negan And Rick. Anyway, stay tuned for Talking Brigade With The Bunky Bunch of the ONLY podcast that recaps what you just heard on this podcast.
Madison, can you please stop turning down Troy’s radio and telling him to make his bed? You’re not actually his mom and also he’s 31 years old.
7) Strand’s Across America
Hell yes, Strand. Living your best life in the new vehicle. Glad you got away from all that drama! Nothing but smooth sailing from here on out!
Wow. Strand really misread that situation! Looks like he’s in a jam now. Welp, when armed men pull guns on you and their leader says you look like shit, there’s only one thing left to do: Go inside for a couple rounds of drinks on the house, they seem nice!
8) Alicia’s New Fidget Spinner
Alicia continuing the proud tradition of the daughter from Face/Off and pretty much nobody else of being a young lady with a butterfly knife trying to make the most of a less than ideal situation. The clothes on these kids tell the real story of who’s ready to step up to the plate to handle business.
Alicia looks like a butcher. Nick looks like he won third place in a Dress Like An Old Man At The Farmer’s Market contest.
9) Of Mice And Zombies
Wow. Troy is a big dumb idiot. Someone needs to do the right thing and put a bullet in his head. A spoon in the eye was a good start, but we need to think a little bigger and go full bullet inside the head.
10) HARD PASS ON THIS TEEN BASEMENT PARTY
No thank you. Absolutely and in no certain terms: NOPE. Anytime a bunch of creepy ass youths take you down underground you better get your ass ready to be murdered—
… by some dank kush?! Oh snap! And they have booze at this bible study? I take back everything I said about this party and bibles and studying. Looks like it’s smooth sailing from here on—
ONCE AGAIN, HARD PASS ON THIS PARTY. Ugh. And for this reason, I’m out. White people are terrified of kale expiration dates but will keep a severed zombie head in a birdcage. If you like that joke, you’re going to LOVE my new standup special: White People Are Afraid Of Kale Expiration Dates But Will Keep A Severed Zombie Head In A Birdcage. It’s a tight 45 minutes about life, love, loss, and how white people are afraid of kale expiration dates but will keep a severed zombie head in a birdcage.
11) You Can’t Say That On Television
“Please watch these video tapes! I think they’ll help you settle in here. Pay no attention to the footage of me abusing my wife and kids.” Why was this footage included? Seems like the kind of footage you might specifically want to avoid including here.
12) Master ‘Gation
These kids are awful at interrogation. Just the worst. They need to do something productive with their time like cyber bully each other or steal their parents’ prescription medication. Also, Alicia, talking to a room full of stoned teenagers about accountability does not seem like a particular fruitful endeavor. Don’t expect to see a big return on that investment of your time.
13) Strand’s Hang Over
When someone is hanging me over a ledge, I like to shout about how much they need me. It works every time! Haven’t been dropped off a ledge once. I also like how the fall from the ledge probably used to kill people, but now they get their fall broken by a pile of zombies who then eat them alive. Does not sound like a very good trade.
14) Nothing Good Ever Happens When A Pickup Truck Driven By A White Guy Pulls Up Next To You In The Middle Of The Night
Nothing good ever happens when a pickup truck driven by a white guy pulls up next to you in the middle of the night like this. Zero percent chance of anything but an attempt on your life. Talking about boars and guns and earning your keep. HELL TO THE NO. And if all of these warning signs aren’t loud enough for your dense brain, just listen for the incredibly creepy music coming from his car! Welp, only one thing left to do: hop in this car with the creep who is going to try and kill you, he seems nice!
15) “Now Is Now.”
Thank you, Madison. Now IS now! Didn’t think about it like that until you said it. Glad I was sitting down for this mind blowing revelation.
16) Nick Missed At Point Blank Range
Nick somehow managed to miss Troy’s face with his bullet. Rookie move, Nick! Bullets are supposed to go INSIDE the head, not next to it.
Break it up, you two! If you keep giggling and slapping like this, someone could get seriously hurt! So … now they’re friends? Perfect. Makes total sense. Troy literally just tried to kill Nick five seconds ago and now they’re best friends. What a totally natural and seamless progression.
17) Madison’s Napkin
Wow. I really do not like this one bit. It’s just so weird. You’re not his mom, Madison! And, once again, he is a fully grown dude who is of age to have awful children of his own. Stop putting tiny paper next to his penis! I think the issue of “should she put a napkin on his lap” becomes a lot more clear when you start referring to it in terms of tiny paper and penis which is what we’re really discussing at the end of the day.
18) Salazar Lives
The tables have really turned on Strand! Yesterday he was a doctor living in the penthouse suite, now he’s sniffing mystery water. His shit is certifiably fucked up right now.
OH, SNAP! Salazar is still alive! There was NO way to have predicted it! Except for the fact that I predicted it when it happened because this show (and the other zombie show that airs at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year) think this camel ass story telling device is clever. It’s not. It’s so not. Also, how did he survive? Was there a hidden fire-proof dumpster he hid under? I guess we’ll just have to TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Nick and Troy have a slumber party? You know it!