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August 28, 2014

When returning to school, it's important for people to think you had the coolest summer. Here are some lies you can tell that will make everyone jealous as hell.

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When returning to school, you see a lot of people for the first time in months. Here is a list of lies you can tell them so it sounds like you had the best summer ever:

  • For $75 you took someone’s MCAT test and got a perfect score and now that person will be a doctor.
  • You stayed up all night for five nights in a row and could have sworn you talked with the ghost of Paul Newman.
  • You learned a new trade that can’t be repeated, like porkeling, the art of pickling slabs of pork.
  • You made a bunch of money betting on rat fights but then blew it all on a hot-air-balloon ride.
  • You didn’t see any classmates because you were hanging out with Mitch, your new rich best friend.
  • You shared a cab with John Cusack and he couldn’t stop talking about how parsley can suck it.
  • You didn’t sit around for two days watching a Meg Ryan rom-com marathon on TV.
  • You had sex with Sonia Carlisle, a girl from camp, in the back of a frozen-food truck, and melted a whole bunch of Marie Callendar’s.
  • Someone stole your passport but it was fake so the joke’s on them.
  • You tried New Meth and it was alright but not something to lose your eyebrows over.
  • You definitely didn’t spend a lot of the summer throwing dirt clods in a construction area near your house, why would they even ask that.
  • Doctors say you had to get your dick shortened.
  • You started a band but you guys broke up over firing the drummer, Marques, who was the bass player’s little brother.
  • A girl began to give you a hand job, but it was dumb, so you politely put it on hold and continued to watch Guardians of the Galaxy.
  • Your parents are doing great.
  • You “dernated" a girl, which you explain means to have pretended to have sex with her in a short independent film.
  • You drove in a TESLA the other day.
  • You smoked eight cigs a day for two months but you didn’t get addicted.
  • You don’t drink that often but you got pretty crazy at a neighbor’s house they wouldn’t know.
  • You met a German exchange student at the mall and made out during two consecutive showings of Boyhood.
  • You’re brother isn’t depressed, alright, so leave him alone.
  • You invented the Ice Bucket Challenge but didn’t film it.
  • Say you found your gay for a while and never explain its meaning.
  • You gained 10 pounds of muscle but had to lose it all for a late August staged performance of The Mechanic.
  • Your potassium levels are through the roof.
  • You did this thing with a woman called a “falooshquirt,“ which is when you have sex with a woman while screaming “Falooshquirt!” until a neighbor yells “Hey, falooshquirt you, pal!”
  • You didn’t cry recently, or at all this summer.
  • You were tan for a while, you swear. Really tan.
  • That wasn’t you at the park, failing to get a kite in the air, then throwing the kite in the trash.
  • You’re excited — if the summer was any indication, it’s gonna be a great year.