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January 30, 2010


I apologize for launching such a personal attack on Sissy yesterday.  That was not cool.  In some ways, I think it makes me look worse than it does her and I accept that.  I behaved poorly.
It's one thing to make fun of the wedding, to dislike the circumstances and, truth be told, she's not even the one I have a problem with anyway...it'squite another to be so viscious when it's just none of my business.
Sometimes, I really feel over it, relieved even because it's brought me nothing but hegativity and wasted my time.  Some days, though, I'm like a lightening rod for images and ideas.  It may be "none of my business", but his intention to hurt me is very personal to me.  It did not go unnoticed. 
For a little back story, when I met him he was engaged to a much younger girl. I always felt connected with him, but he was engaged, and he would talk about "the wife" and lament about having to save money for this bg wedding la la la, but then he'd also lament about going out East for work and how he was going to get a vasectomy to avoid impregnating what he imagined to be loose women wanting to latch onto someone to take them out of there.  I used to tease him about that and ask why he would need a vasectomy if he was happily engaged?  Never got a response.  I know he sounds charming LOL, but he actually really was.  Not overly attractive physically, but extremely funny, creative, interesting and complimentary.  He went to Disney with the young fiance and brought back a Minnie Mouse for my daughter.  He heard we didn't have a Gamecube and gave me one of his with a controller and a couple of games he thought she might like.   And, at his birthday night out, the "wife" wasn't there.  He got really, really drunk and he turned to me and just said "Paige"...and that's all he said but we looked into one another's eyes and I felt it.  I knew he had feelings for me, and I him, but he was engaged and he was leaving town.  (And we all know my sorry situation)
So, fast forward a year, he and the fiance are over, he comes to town and our gang goes to dinner.  The connection is still strong, but I don't want to volunteer to be a rebound person and also, again, he's leaving, so we are still "friends".  A week later he is "in a relationship" with Sissy, uploads cheesy photo of them together.  How long had it been going on up to that point?  Who knows.  Pretty quick rebound though.
They are together for a little less than a year, he and I begin talking more on FB.  He breaks up with her at the end of Nov/early December, (her B Day is Dec 7), and he comes here for Christmas.  He's going to be at least local to me for four months.  We go to dinner with friends, we end up ditching them to have drinks on our own, he takes my hands into his and says that for 2 years, 2 YEARS (which would include time with ex fiance and Sissy), he's loved me.  
I want to respond, I've actually had quite a fiasco of a day wth Nigel and could very easily go back ot the hotel...but I can't.  I have an awesome responsibility to my daughter and, unfortunately, NIgel is in that equation.  I knew that if I even kissed him...my life was so miserable at that point I didn't know how I'd be able to walk back in the door least of all be forced to lie.  I'm a "heart on my sleeve" person...I can't lie about something that important. So, I left him there.
It was really hard.
We talked later, he assured me that he had a great time with me regardless and that we would be friends.
Problem is, I start thinking about how to make it work to be with him.  And the more I look around, I realize that I could make opportunities for myself, but not without a price.  I have put up with NIgel because in spite of how he treats me, he's amazing to Kelly.  She has a disability, she needs us both.  I grew up without my father and shouldered the animosity of my mother, who if you read my note yesterday, sounds like THAT about everything, all the time.   I don't want to divide our resources and I don't want further strain on our relationship because he and I are a mess, but as a family, we are quite strong and committed to Kelly.  But,  I love someone else. And I'm ready to talk about it.
At the exact same time, this guy has started seeing Sissy again, and hasn't mentioned it.  I see her little comments on his wall...I mention that I don't really like it.
He says nothing.
She comes to town in Feb, he says NOTHING.
April, he returns east, changes his FB status to "engaged", and send me a lame mea culpa three days later.
He disappears.  resurfaces with "wedding photos" on my Birthday.
So..forgive me if I see a smirking photo of something that looks like you should be yelling your burger order at it at drive-thru  and get a bit snarky.
I apologize...but I'd still like to set them both on fire.
Fair enough?