I’m the only sober person at work today, so in a lot of ways, it’s surprising that I’m also the only one brave who’s enough to say this: we need to end the racist, appalling St. Patrick’s Day tradition of “Green Face.”

Maybe you’re in the camp that thinks painting your face green and having a few drinks on St. Patty’s Day is just a wee bit o’ harmless fun. Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. At best, this attitude reveals an appalling ignorance of the long, sad history of Leprechaun-Americans. At worst, it’s an intentional, hateful slur, intended to subjugate an already downtrodden group.

To this day, many Leprechaun-Americans are forced to cower in the woods, terrified that someone will yank them from their hollowed out tree stumps and demand gold from them. Do you really think these disenfranchised sprites have gold, you racist idiots? They live in goddamn hollowed out tree stumps!

The sad fact of the matter is, the average Leprechaun-American can barely get enough shoe-cobbling work to squeak by.

So, believe it or not, you painting your face green and getting hammered is just as bad as walking up to one of these noble beings and calling him a “forrest n***er” or some other terrible Leprechaun-American racial epithet right to his face. Maybe even worse.

The bottom line is that Green Face is an archaic remnant of hundreds of years of genocidal Western imperialism. Yes, a minority of Leprechaun-Americans stole some human children and ate them, but those few individuals don’t represent the whole group. We need to make amends, and we need to start by ending the horrible practice of Green Face.

Also, leprechaun’s faces aren’t even green, so the whole thing doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

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