Hello folks. We are spending the week together so I wanted you all to get to know me. I figured there is no better way than to get to know a man other than his obituary. Here is what I imagine mine will be. Enjoy.
Actor/writer Matt Dwyer died today in an East Miami motel room from several stab wounds he received from a prostitute. Witnesses say Mr. Dwyer wasn’t soliciting sex, but had grown so dull in his later years that he would pay hookers to listen to him pontificate. Supposedly Mr. Dwyer was attacked after lecturing for an hour on the parallels of Proust and the 1952 stock market, two subjects of which Mr. Dwyer knew very little about. The prostitute was treated for severe mental anguish and is not being charged.
Mr. Dwyer’s early years were spent in the theater were he wrote such failed plays as, Heaven is For Faggots, To Grope a President and his Irish drama, In One Ear and Out Your Arse, which garnered him several death threats and one beating.
In the late nineties many of Mr. Dwyer’s contemporaries went on to great heights of success while he wallowed in mediocrity. However, Mr. Dwyer did succeed at dropping the names of his contemporaries in pubs so as to land, (as he put it), “bar trash pussy.” Mr. Dwyer went on to publish a book on these escapades and in turn was the first author banned from libraries due to banality.
Mr. Dwyer had two failed marriages both to mail order brides from war torn countries. Both wives opted to return to their third world homes than share their lives in Mr. Dwyer’s company. One wife went on to say, “I’d rather suffer the terrors of an oppressive war lord than have to endure the torment of my husbands weak sexual techniques.”
Though Mr. Dwyer lived a life of many failures he did have one great success in the summer of 2001 when from his couch he guessed all the right answers on “Jeopardy: Teen Tournament”. Sadly no was around to witness this feat. Nevertheless, Mr. Dwyer spent a half hour high-fiving himself.
Mr. Dwyer retired in his early sixties after making a moderate sum of money as a contestant on the game show, “Who Can Take a Punch”. Mr. Dwyer is survived by his son Gary who denies ever knowing the man. No funeral is being held.
One of my favorite comedians: Matt Braunger
One of my favorite bands: The Broken West