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September 05, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Speaking at the Democratic National Convention, Newark Mayor Cory Booker said, “Being asked to pay your fair share isn’t class warfare, it’s patriotism.” And he should know--he's literally friends with Captain America.

An online petition aims to get Betty White to speak at the DNC. It would serve as an interesting counterpoint to the GOP convention's elderly female speaker, Newt Gingrich.

San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro became the first Latino to deliver the keynote address at the DNC Tuesday night. In fact, the last time Democrats invited a Latino on stage was to tell him he "missed a spot."

A 69-year-old Colombian drug smuggler known as the "Cocaine Godmother" was gunned down on Monday. Police already have some suspects in custody.

Bob Barker was not invited to the taping of the 40th anniversary episode of "The Price is Right." To add insult to injury, he was simply left a voicemail that said, "Bob Barker! Don't come on down! No one wants you here!"

Chuck Norris appears in a video in which he warns that if President Obama is reelected, "the country as we know it could be lost forever." Even more frightening, it could void the lifetime warranty of the Total Gym.

Likewise, Chuck Norris's wife, who also appears in the video, warned of "1,000 years of darkness." At which point she slowly nodded then quietly mouthed the words "black people."

Car dealers say they sold over 1.2 million cars last month, their best August in five years. In related news, people are suddenly trusting numbers given out by car dealers for some reason.

The national debt broke $16 trillion on Tuesday. And it is not happy with how few of its friends RSVPed judging from the preview of the next episode of MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen Trillion Dollar Budget."

Apple announced it will be holding an event on Sept. 12. Rumors suggest it will be a lot like last year's event but with a few new additions that barely justify its existence.

In related news, hackers revealed that the FBI collected at least 12 million Apple device IDs. Because did you really believe no one would know you bought that Kelly Clarkson album?

According to the United Nations, 100,000 Syrians fled their country in the month of August. Adding, "Pff, so that's weird."

A new study says organic food isn't necessarily more nutritious. Likewise, pesticides aren't necessarily not nutritious.

On a recent flight, the parents of newborn twins handed out bags of candy to fellow passengers and offered earplugs. The parents said they got the idea after going to see "The Oogieloves."