1. Contemplate eating food and having a coffee. Thinking about eating and having a coffee help to avoid any form of productivity as your mind becomes consumed with thoughts of their amazing goodness and prevents you from giving your full concentration t—Oh look, a butterfly!
2. Realize that your phone is out dated*. Proceed to call your phone provider to try and get a hip** phone in replacement.During the discussion, you’ll become disenchanted by the entire situation, get angry and complain that they want to charge you too much and hang up with no resolution. This also gives you someone to talk to.
3. Look up anything on the internet. My strong suggestions would be the following: youtube videos of cats (especially Nyan Cat in all different forms), “How to’s”, hotmail, gmail, yahoo, MSN, IMDB, Twitter, Facebook, funnyordie, and any website dedicated to terrible pictures of people.
4. Take a snooze under the desk.Providing it is a large and secluded enough space to do so. If you’re unsure as to what constitutes as “large enough”, please see George’s desk from Seinfeld. In fact, watch the episode in which he snoozes under his desk, to see how to do it effectively and what should be avoided.
5. Find excuses to get up from your desk.This can include any array of things from needing to stretch, to coffee break, to a chat with someone you haven’t seen since the day before, or a general release of your bowels.Please do this often and in long frequencies. Don’t forget to bring your new phone while you’re at it.*winks
6. Doodle and doodle frequently.It looks like you’re doing something productive and it is SUPER FUN!!!Don’t forget to review what you’ve doodled; the doodles can be inspiration for future ones.
7. Call your friends, foes, family or other on the phone and speak to them for prolonged periods of time.This is especially helpful in an office setting as they’ll think you’re talking to a client/customer/member which you can easily pretend to do when they pass by.
8. I highly recommend any form of social networking and email.Subscribe to as many as possible and have a different social media site subscribed to each one.It not only makes you look popular, but assists with effectively consuming your time as you constantly clean up spam and unwanted messages from people you're avoiding.
9. Put lots of papers on your desk.This makes you look busy because you’re sorting the papers to make them look important and its fun! You can play “where’s the pen?” and several variations of this game.Your boss might even promote you for looking very busy.
10. Write an article on “how to” do something.It will help with your typing skills, writing skills, and overall well being. Perhaps it can teach you ways you can effectively do things yourself without having to rely on others.Basically, it can teach you to be human.
*Out dated refers to anything over 3 days old. You should avidly seek to change your phone as often as possible.Phone companies will love it, your friends will love it, your dog will love it and you will, so isn’t that what matters?
**Hip refers to any 3 days or “newer”.It can also refer to anything that anyone aged 10-22 may own.“Hip” does NOT mean an old phone with a huge holster that is placed on your hip, or conversely your belt.Please do not confuse the two. I take no responsibility for what happens and do not take blame if you look dumb.