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August 30, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Some analysts criticized NJ Gov. Chris Christie for not mentioning Mitt Romney until 15 minutes into his speech at the GOP convention. In Christie's defense, it takes him a while to gain momentum. Making speeches...playing blackjack...walking up stairs.

In other convention news, one attendee was kicked out after allegedly throwing nuts at a black CNN camerawoman and saying, "This is how we feed the animals." Republicans denounced the actions as uncharacteristic of most attendees since they all know you feed animals using a bowl or trough.

Bic is being criticized for creating a "For Her" line of pens. They have since apologized for acting like dics.

A federal court rejected new voting maps in Texas that removed stadiums and hospitals from the districts of black congressional members and added country clubs to those of white incumbents. The court also criticized the new maps for intentionally creating a blue baby penis.

President Bashar al-Assad recently said his military just "needs more time" to defeat the Syrian rebels. "Okay, you can have an extension" said the UN, "but just this once..."

According to an advance copy, a new book by an ex-Navy SEAL contradicts the White House’s account of how Osama bin Laden was shot. The book claims bin Laden was killed in the hallway of his compound while the White House stated bin Laden first comically tripped over a rake, hitting himself in the face, and was then shot to death.

In the same book, the author describes Joe Biden as acting like “someone’s drunk uncle at Christmas dinner" after the raid. Because taking a life is a solemn affair, one best captured in a highly publicized book that could make the author millions of dollars.

Howard Stern said that an NBC executive warned him after Stern called Jay Leno a "spineless maggot." "Why are you giving him compliments all of a sudden?" said the executive.

Actor Shia LaBeouf said he took acid on the set of a movie to better understand his character. Because it was either that or read a script for once.

LaBeouf also admitted he would give the millions he made from the "Transformers" film franchise back in return for credibility as an actor. If only there existed some way one could release large amounts of money, possibly involving an organization that helps people...

In New York City, a tourist was mistaken for an extra when she snuck onto the set of "Gossip Girl." The director said he'd never seen such talent. Talent in general, really.

As part of their divorce, Katie Holmes will reportedly receive $400,000 a year in child support from Tom Cruise. A small price to pay to put anything vagina-related in the past where it belongs.