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So we found Bin Laden, and killed him and buried him at sea. But, there’s more to this story. And it’s Zero Dark Thirty Two: The Dark Night

 

ACT I

Maya says “to the St. Louis Arch.”

 

Maya at the top of the Arch, trying to decompress, spots a 747 flying toward her. “It can’t be.” But, it looms closer. She realizes there’s a lot of people in the Arch. Maya grabs a roll of Paracord, kicks out a window and yells for everyone to get out. Men, women, and old ladies slide down the Paracord. Maya starts out the window but she spots a seeing eye dog still inside. Maya goes back, grabs the dog and dives out the window repelling as fast as possible. Boom! The 747 engulfs the St. Louis Arch in flames. The Paracord >snaps< and she free falls the last 30 feet. She gets up, guides the dog to a blind person and heads west to-

 

The Pentagon. Maya tells Bradley, “I’m scared there’s only one person who could have planned this, Osama Bin Laden.” Bradley dismisses her as crazy, Bin Laden’s dead, buried at sea.

 

Maya kicks down a door and starts water boarding some terrorist. The water boarding works, as always, and the terrorist says there will be two more attacks and then America will be destroyed. Maya slaps him and says, “Bin Laden is behind this! Where is he!?” The terrorist opens his mouth, but a rumbling is heard. Maya looks to the wall. Woosh! A rush of water begins to quickly fill up the room. The terrorist is underwater, drowning. Maya tries to pull him up, but fails and he drowns before she can save him. The trail is ice cold.

 

ACT II

Maya’s grasping at straws. Bradley tells Maya she needs to get some rest. Maya says no, she’s afraid there’s going to be another attack on the United States and Bin Laden is behind it. Bradley calls her crazy, after all, Bin Laden’s dead, buried at sea.

 

Maya walks The National Mall, suddenly she hears the roaring of a plane. She sees another 747 flying toward the White House. She spots a fuel truck and dashes to it. She tosses the driver out and hits the gas. Maya drives toward the plane, horn-a-blazing. She sets her sights on the Washington Monument. Maya uses the seatbelt to secure the truck’s heading, and leaps out of the cabin. The truck strikes the Washington Monument. Maya draws her pistol, firing into the tanker. It explodes Washington Monument up like a shotgun blast, taking out the plane’s left wing. The 747 is forced hard left and crashes into a George Washington University. Maya’s happy it hit the school because she knows it’s Labor Day and school’s out. Still, the second attack still went off, something’s happening and she’s afraid Osama Bin Laden is behind it.

 

ACT III

Seriously Maya’s got nothing. She’s scouring a map trying to figure out where the next target could be. Bradley admits there’s some kind of attack happening against the United States, but it can’t be Osama Bin Laden, after all, he’s dead, buried at sea. It hits her, three points make a triangle. She looks at the map, and she draws a line connecting the two previous attacks points. She measures the line. “What are you doing?” Bradley asks. Three points makes a triangle, an equilateral triangle would put the third target at... Disney World Orlando, Florida.

 

Maya’s walking through Disney World. Suddenly an Astro Orbiter explodes off the rails, crashing into a support beam of Epcot center. Epcot rolls, crushing rides, vendors, and fast pass lines. Maya dials Bradley, the third attack has happened, the last step is America is going to be destroyed. “Why did we get attacked in a perfect triangle?” Bradley asks. “I dunno, why would Osama buried at sea, attack in a triangle...” She realizes it; The Bermuda Triangle. That’s where Osama Bin Laden was buried, he must have been reanimated with the magic power of the ocean. That’s why the attacks were in a triangle. That’s why her interrogation was flooded. And, as we know after Katrina and Sandy the United States’ greatest vulnerability is rising water levels.

 

A gigantic tidal wave washes over the Magic Kingdom, riding atop the wave is undead Osama Bin Laden. Maya flees into a gift shop, trying to hide in Mickey’s robe from Fantasia. Osama floods the store. Maya makes a break through the Liberty Square. 

 

She turns into the hall of Presidents. Osama Bin Laden marches in, knocking over Americana. In a last ditch effort, Maya empties her clip into Bin Laden. Osama smiles, unaffected. Maya starts to cry, fearing her death, her failure. She pulls Mickey’s hat over her eyes and she realizes she’s wearing Mickey’s Magic robe. Maya stands, unafraid of Osama Bin Laden. She begins conducting. Osama just laughs at this pitiful girl. The National Anthem plays while the curtains part behind the advancing Bin Laden. The animatronic Presidents come to life. Osama bellows a menacing laugh. The animatronic Presidents walk off stage. Osama raises his hand to strike and whap! President George Washington grabs Osama’s hand. The presidents grab Bin Laden pulling him at all limbs. They march back to the stage, and as the curtains close, they rip a screaming Osama Bin Laden apart.

 

A cast member approaches Maya, and asks her where she wants to go. “I’m going to Disneyland.”

 

Roll credits.

 

 

The movie rights are available exclusively to Disney for $200,000 and .3% on all Zero Dark Thirty Two merchandising. More if Zero Dark Thirty wins an Oscar.

 

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