When cruising down the local grocer’s cereal aisle, you’re met with the smiling cartoon faces that accompanied you through childhood. You stroll by the big animated grins that stared out from their respective boxes as you consumed their sugary goodness, your footed-pajama-clad feet still unable to reach the ground.
The gang’s all here: Cap’n Crunch; Count Chocula; Toucan Sam; the Lucky Charms leprechaun; Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs bird; Snap, Crackle & Pop, and even that floppy-eared bastard Trix Rabbit. The nostalgia is running thick in your veins. You feel good, so good, you may even be absentmindedly humming along to the instrumental version of the Michael Bolton song pumping out the store’s speakers. Screech. Stop. Bring that shopping cart to a halt.
Behind those open-mouth grins and gay demeanors is an exclusive world of vagina-hating, penis-worshipping pixilated sugar fiends. It’s the boys’ club in the cereal aisle. No girls allowed. Even the Fruity Pebbles box features only the penis-packing members of the Flintstones cast.
Sure, there are products predominantly featuring women among the supermarket aisles – There’s Sarah Lee, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Marie Callender, the Chiquita Banana chick. But a testosterone force field keeps them from venturing between the cereal shelves, where even the oatmeal is made by a man, whose masculinity remains intact despite his wearing of a powdered wig.
Is Big Cereal trying to hide something, trying to pass some message onto our youngest of generations? Does General Mills have some underlying agenda for male world domination? Or is Big Cereal’s target audience comprised mostly of video-game playing stoners with as much experience relating to women as Matthew McConaughey has at shirt shopping?
Or does it go beyond this? Perhaps the origins of male cereal mascot domination can be traced to an elicit tryst involving the Cap’n himself and Little Debbie. As far as conspiracy theories go, this one initially sounds like a stretch, but when you consider all the factors, it is completely plausible. Take into consideration the Cap’n’s overwhelming pirate nature coupled with his unofficial presidency of the cereal aisle. The Cap’n develops a desire for the young girl. His lust grows as he admires her ginger ringlets spilling from beneath her bonnet. Tension rises in Cereal Land. Fred Flintstone, a father himself, banishes female mascots from the realm of cereal in an effort to keep them safe from the Cap’n’s pirate ways. It was with a heavy heart that Fred cast away the women, but he feared the worst – seeing young Debbie’s likeness on the back of a carton of milk intended to mix with his sweet pebbles of fruit. He couldn’t live with that, and decreed the cereal aisle a vagina-free zone.
Or perhaps the lack of estrogen among the breakfast mascots can be traced to an ill-conceived engagement long ago, in which the Sugar Smacks bear was to make the Sunbeam Bread gal his young bride. Moments before the pair were to exchange their cartoony nuptials, his carb-loving sweetheart left, seduced away by the carb-toting Keebler Elves. The Elves had less than pure intentions, using their overwhelming sex appeal to retaliate against the sugary Snap, Crackle & Pop, with whom their gang opposition, a rivalry kin to the Hatfields and the McCoys, still runs deep. The collapse of the holy union and Sugar Bear’s heart lead to complete anarchy among the not-so-nutritional breakfasts, eventually ending with the women stomping off at the prompting of the Gorton’s fisherman, who assured them there were bigger and better things in the world than immature sugar addicts.
Regardless of what allowed the cereal mascot industry to remain a workplace reminiscent of the 1950s, remember this: The pain you feel when Crunch Berries assault the roof of your mouth is trivial compared to the emotional damage being caused by blatant sexism in your local grocer’s cereal aisle.
Added over 1 year ago
477 funny votes
615 die votes
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
- this was way funnier when it was on cracked after hours.
- wow thats funny. XD
- this is really dumb.
- super dumb!
- the keebler elves and their overwhelming sex appeal
- shut up u feminist *****
- im sorry but this guy is smart as hell...very funny references(hatfields mccoys) lmfao
- Stupid! They ran tests and kids don't respond well to female characters. Its marketing...not a fair/unfair issue.
- i thought this was serious untill i read about the cartoon wars... before they picked tony the tiger im sure they went through thousands of different mascots, and tony tested the best- not funny must die :)
- oh please....when i grew up with these cereals...the girls had rainbow bright,strawberry shortcake..my little ponies...betty crocker ovens...and a few g.i. joe charachters were women...no women best touch my coco pebbles anyway.
- Concerning passing a "message onto our youngest of generations": could I convince whoever wrote this that "onto" is a perfectly good word, but it doesn't mean the same thing as "on to"?
- "The Sugar Smacks Bear" ???? Sorry.....it's a frog. Always has been. Super Sugar Crisps had a bear.
- I don't understand why some people are taking this so negative, this is on funnyordie.. like just vote it down if you hate it. I don't think the gender status of cereal mascots is really the focus of feminists.
- Next time you publish an article in a humor site, you might try slipping a joke in here and there.
- That was tottaly stupid . I kept on reading it thinking that there had to a point to this mess but just kept getting worse.
- ......what about the strawberry shortcake cereal?
- Hm.. not allowed? Funny
- there's the hanna montana cereal, the powerpuff girls cereal, the barbie cereal, the strawberry short cake cereal,the pacman cereal that features ms pacman on the cover, and countless female athletes have been on the wheaties box.