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July 08, 2011

I might be out of line hating Wal-Mart so much. I recently found out you can grocery shop with a cocktail and the mediocre staff won't even notice. 

As I walked past Jamal ,a 'Mart employee, I asked for a toast. In any other store, a stupid move, but at The 'Mart, no one cares! I swear I saw a fly sucking the moisture from his tear duct like an Eithiopian baby on the religious channel. 

Next time you have to go to The 'Mart, add a little pleasure to your pain. Don't worry about stopping off at the Sonic for the Route 44 cup-disguise. I walked around with a stiff gin and tonic in a typical red party glass and not a soul ,including the cop at the front of the store, seemed to care. 

Everyone working in this store is narcotized by their depression and the crushing thought of coming back to this place in the near future. ;) YeeHaw! Party-time! 

While your exploiting the insurmountable sadness, put a brisket and a case of beer on the bottom shelf of your cart. You know, the shelf you only use when you buy a bunch of bottled water. Half the time they don't even check it. It works half the time, all the time. If you get caught just convince them your as stupid and oblivious as they are. It should be an easy sell.   

I realize these tips are a pretty big deal. No need for thanks. I'm here to help people. However, if you would like to show your love, perhaps you could be my designated driver when I go grocery shopping sometime. I asked the elderly greeter at the door, but all I got was a blank stare and a smiley face sticker.