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March 12, 2011

Completely false account of The Man (AKA the UN) rejecting retro pimp activity in Libya.

Over protests from the Organization of African Unity (OAU), the United Nations (UN) has decided to enforce a “No-Superfly” zone over Libya. Any violations on the part of either besieged Libyan strongman Col. Mummar Khadaffi or the rebels opposing him will be dealt with using the military might of the UN forces, according to U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon.

“In light if the current unrest in Libya, concern has been expressed that the situation could become more problematic if playa’ activity is not curbed by force,” Said Ban at a recent press conference. “Once our Air and Naval forces are in place, any known incidents of extreme retro-pimp activity will be immediately and brutally dealt with.”

Activities that are now banned include the wearing of fur or full-length leather coats, platform shoes, shirts open to reveal chest hair, excessive amounts of gold chain necklaces and diamond rings, wide-brim hats, custom-made walking canes and dark sunglasses. Loud colors, especially animal-print and bright purple clothing are also now the object of UN bombing raids. The public use of “pimpmobiles,” particularly customized versions of the 1971 Cadillac Eldorado is banned, along with men strutting in public in the company of more than one scantily-clad woman.

A confidential U.S. military source says that current technology allows pilots to “zero-in” on centers of Superfly behavior using powerful sonic detectors able to identify Curtis Mayfield theme music from as much as 80 miles away.

U.S. Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton applauded the move, saying “This is a great step for the people of Libya, the Arab world and elsewhere” when asked by reporters Sunday morning as she shopped with her husband, former President Bill Clinton. “Who hasn’t been victimized by the tsunami of turmoil surrounding 70s-style pimpitude?” As the secretary of state made these statements, former President Clinton reportedly looked off somewhere vaguely to the left.

The OAU issued a statement late Saturday protesting the move by the UN, blaming the international organization for unfair and prejudicial action regarding the North African country.

“During the Balkan crisis in the 90s,” reads the statement, “Did the United Nations issue a ‘no-polka’ zone over Eastern Europe? Despite decades of conflict, has there been a single UN proclamation curbing Leprechaun activity in Northern Ireland? While we certainly welcome any constructive offer of help by the UN regarding conflicts on this continent, this declaration, sadly, appears to be yet another case of the other-man coming down on the brother-man.”

The statement went on to express strong concern that UN forces would not be able to distinguish between “Superfly” and “Mack” activity in Libya, but they extended an offer of assistance on this matter.

“We can settle this as if the UN has some class,” read the statement, “or we can get into some gangsta’ shit.”

Neither U.S. President Barack Obama nor “Two And A Half Men” star Charlie Sheen have issued public statements regarding the ban.