We’ve all seen recipes manufacturers print on packaged food: directions for making a tasty cheesecake crust with crushed Honey Grahams, for example. Some are elaborate and ambitious culinary wonders, others are just simple and creative serving suggestions. But today I bought a box of Ritz crackers emblazoned with what may be the most inane food preparation literature ever seen in print. There are two “recipes” printed on the back: one for “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” and another for “Apple Cheddar Snacks.” Mmm, those sound yummy! But wait - what exotic ingredients will I need to purchase at the grocer’s in order to enjoy some “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” this mid-afternoon? And how long will I have to slave over a hot oven to ensure there are “Apple Cheddar Snacks” a-plenty in time for the big game this evening? Thank God Kraft Foods printed recipes for both right here on the box! Under the heading “Ritz It Up”, the box reads: Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ: PREP TIME: 5 minutes TOTAL TIME: 5 minutes MAKES: 3 servings, one topped cracker each. SPREAD each of 3 RITZ Crackers with 2 teaspoons peanut butter. Top with 2 thin apple slices. Enjoy! I’m sorry, but is that the most absurdly elaborate and formal description of how to apply toppings to a cracker (which is what they’re for, after all) ever or WHAT? What’s wrong with, “Try a Ritz with peanut butter and an apple slice”, for fuck’s sake? And does it REALLY take five whole minutes “prep time” to top three crackers with peanut butter and apple? Only if you’re wasting precious moments of your brief life measuring out EXACTLY two teaspoons of PB per and cutting each regular-sized apple slice into two separate and distinct THIN ones (a CRUCIAL detail, mind you) before you pop the whole thing into your mouth in one fell swoop (which is all you get, Tubby - don’t forget: a “serving” is only ONE Peanut Butter and Apple Ritz!) There are similarly lengthy instructions for preparing “Apple Cheddar Snacks” (which is - yeah, you guessed it - cheddar cheese and apple on a Ritz) where they also manage to get in a plug for CRACKER BARREL Sharp Cheddar Cheese (which I can only assume Kraft also produces), apparently the ONLY brand with which one can prepare an OFFICIAL “RITZ Apple Cheddar Snack.” The box features a photo with samples of both treats placed appetizingly on an elegant bone-white china plate, with the bold disclaimer “ENLARGED TO SHOW DETAIL.” Oh really? I’d assumed, based on the picture, that a Ritz cracker had roughly the same diameter as a 45rpm vinyl single. Thanks for clearing that up, shit heads. At the bottom, “the small print” informs you that nutrition information for both these savory taste sensations can be found at www.ritzcrackers.com, a website which also boasts a “Tell a Friend” feature where you can enter up to four email addresses - just to keep ALL your buddies up-to-date on the “news” that “Ritz is better than ever!” Now THAT’s utilizing the information superhighway to it’s fullest! In closing, I’d just like to say: Thanks, Kraft Foods - for taking blatant corporate shilling for a fucking CRACKER to new lows both jaw-droppingly condescending AND mind-numbingly stupid.
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