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August 18, 2016
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Skit that probably captures the moments after the incident at the Rio gas station. Written by Derek Taylor Kent

LOCHTEGATE: THE BEGINNING

EXT. OUTSIDE A RIO GAS STATION

American swimmers RYAN LOCHTE, GUNNAR BENTZ and JACK CONGER are in a state of panic.

BENTZ
Oh man, did we really just beat up a gas station worker? We’re really in the deep end now.
CONGER
What do we do, Lochte? Should we take the dude to the hospital? Call the police? My mind is swimming, man!

LOCHTE quickly pulls himself together and seems his laid back self.

LOCHTE
Relax, guys. Don’t jump out to any false starts. Your boy Lochte’s got this all lochte’d up.
BENTZ
You have a plan?
LOCHTE
Yeah, man. It’s simple. We just keep our mouths shut and never breathe a word. We’re cool in the pool.
CONGER
All right, man. I trust you.
LOCHTE
Damn right you do. I’m Ryan Fucking Lochte. I’m basically Michael Phelps but prettier and slower. Now I’m just gonna call my moms and tell her we got robbed at gunpoint by gangsters dressed as policemen.
CONGER
What? Why would you do that? You been drinking straight chlorine again? I thought we stay quiet.
LOCHTE
I gotta tell my moms something, yo! She’s gonna see these bruises on my fists and ask what’s up. Don’t worry, bros. She’s cool. She’s got the Lochte brains.

Picks up phone. Dials mom.

LOCHTE (CONT’D)
What’s up, Mom?… Yeah, Rio is awesome! Just one thing, me and my bros got straight up gun-mugged by some fake cops and had our wallets and shit stolen. No biggie. Later, Lochte Mom. Love ya!
CONGER
Okay, can we get out of here now?
BENTZ
Oh shit! It’s already all over social media! Your mom blabbed to everyone!
LOCHTE
Ha! That’s my mom for you. I guess we gotta stick to the story.
BENTZ
Okay, so what’s the story?
LOCHTE
Didn’t you hear me, yo? We got snuck up on. Guns raised. Wallets taken. Fake cops. End of race.
BENTZ
End of race? I think we need more details than that.
LOCHTE
Details? What details?
BENTZ
Like how many men there were, what kind of guns they had, what they said, did they even speak English? Is this even an English speaking country??
LOCHTE
Shit, nobody’s gonna care about that! It’s like a 4 by 200 meter freestyle relay final. Totally inconsequential.
BENTZ AND CONGER
Damn! We got burned!
LOCHTE
Cops don’t care about details. They’re into the big picture.
BENTZ
Are you sure, man? What if they don’t believe us?

Lochte drops a pile of gold medals on his lap.

LOCHTE
If they don’t believe us, maybe they’ll believe these goddamn gold medals. Splash!

A car pulls up and honks.

LOCHTE (CONT’D)
That’s my Uber bros. Catch ya later!
CONGER
Hey, where you going?
LOCHTE
Moms booked me a flight home, yo! You guys got this. Remember, you my relay squad.

Lochte jumps out and speeds off in the Uber.

BENTZ
We’re fucked.
CONGER
I think so, man.
(beat)
Want to go for a swim?
BENTZ
You know it, bro.

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