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February 29, 2016

Whatever you do on Leap Day doesn't count, here are a few ideas for how to make the most of this special day.

Today is Leap Day and you know what that means: Free Pass!

It’s common knowledge that whatever you do every four years on February 29th doesn’t count. None of the mistakes and none of the victories follow you to March 1st. It’s a trash day (in that trash disappears and is immediately forgotten the day after you throw it in the trash can).

In short: What you do on Leap Day doesn’t affect your legacy, even if it’s an unwanted pregnancy.*

*That’s a little rhyme I made up but it also happens to be exactly how Leap Day works!

Some of the best days of my life were on Leap Days! I remember one Leap Day I bought drugs at the mall and didn’t go to jail. Another Leap Day I accidentally ate a bunch of vegetables and didn’t get any healthier. And then of course there was last Leap Day in 2012 when I changed my son’s name to “Linsanity, Catch It Or Die Wietmarschen.” I never called him that — or spoke to my son — again.

So whatever you do, don’t waste this Leap Day! It’s a free pass to do all those things you’ve wanted to try but were afraid of the fallout. Here’s a list of ideas for ways you can spend your Leap Day since none of it matters and you won’t have to deal with the consequences.

  • Break an arm!
  • Dance like there aren’t people watching while making sure that people are definitely watching.
  • Stab actual flesh.
  • Wear comfortable pants.
  • Get super drunk and wake up early the next morning for a run (no hangovers!)
  • Vote for Ted Cruz just to see how it feels (sometimes you have to get filthy to appreciate how nice it feels to be clean).
  • Hang out naked no matter where you are or how weird your body looks that day.
  • Walk in on your parents having sex (You also can forget anything you do on Leap Day — no matter how deep the image is burned into your brain — if you want to).
  • Drink milk straight from a cow’s udder.
  • Suck honey straight from a bee’s asshole.
  • Eat cheese straight from a goat’s cheese place.
  • Run on the court during an NBA game while no one’s watching and try to get rim. Or at least net.
  • Kiss another.
  • Don’t waste time practicing guitar. It won’t help!
  • Remember that one window in church you used to stare at every Sunday morning during mass? You’d fantasize about how all the other people in church would react if you smashed it during the Our Father. What would the priest say? Would he stop the prayer? Would someone call the cops? Would they pray for you later in the mass? You were always a good Catholic boy who would die before he’d disappoint, but on Leap Day, good Catholic boys can be bad…
  • Text “U up?” to every person who has ever crossed your mind while masturbating.
  • Take steroids and lift more than the strongest dude at the gym, in his face.
  • Ride your bike somewhere and instead of responsibly and thoroughly locking it to the closest bike rack, just jump off the thing while it’s still rolling and let it fly down the street, riderless. Walk straight into where you were headed and don’t worry about where it ends up.
  • Die and find out what happens.

All these things and more are possible and encouraged on Leap Day!