A Guide to Weathering Midwestern Winters

If you've ever experienced a Midwestern winter, you know just how WACKY it can be! With such a wild range of weather, how can you ever expect to be prepared at all times? No worries, compadre, I've got you covered! Just stick to this guide and you will be ready for whatever mother nature throws at you. From the brutal highs to the nasty lows, you will be ready to plunge headfirst into the great outdoors! Simply follow these temperature-coordinated instructions and you will be golden. Best of luck to you, sport!

 

Below Zero: Stay in bed.

 

0-5 Degrees: Yikes. This is a pretty nasty range, and if you don’t dress accordingly, you could be in for some nasty consequences (numbness, death, etc). Pile on those layers! Got scarves? Wear them all! Got long underwear? Haha you’re weird, dude. But throw ‘em on! Wear no less than 3 jackets. Do you own an automobile? If not, public transportation is highly recommended. But if you absolutely MUST walk around in these frigid conditions, be sure to take some extra precautions. Put some HotHands down your pants. Line your coat with live mammals (win-win!). It’s brutal out there. Don’t pull any punches.

 

6-10 Degrees: We’re not out of the woods yet, folks. It’s still pretty damn cold out. If you need to drop that 6th sweatshirt for mobility purposes, do so with caution, but generally a pretty good rule is that if you can see your breath, you should err on the side of wearing too MUCH clothing (or moving to Arizona). Smoke 12 cigarettes at a time for warmth. A hat would be good.

 

11-15 Degrees: WHOA, is this a HEAT WAVE?!? (nope.) We're heading in the right direction though! (who cares, this still sucks.) Try doing something fun to take your mind off the putrid weather. Build a snowman with your friends! Yeah, that's a great idea! Make a really big snowman! Put a hat on it! Throw a scarf on it! Give it a carrot nose! Use coal to make its eyes and its frown and its big black patches of frostbite oh god it is unbearable out here just go inside.

 

16-25 Degrees: Hot dog! We're almost above freezing! (we're not.) You might not even have to let the car warm up for 10 minutes while you scrape frost off of all the windows anymore! (you do.) Kick that parka to the curb in favor of a different (but still very heavy) coat! Dance through the streets to celebrate the heavenly warmth! (cautiously though, because there is still ice, like, all over the place. My god it is depressing here. Why do people do this? Every year it is the same old shit. Grotesque cold, blistering winds, and what do Midwesterners do? Sit around miserably and complain their way through this horrendous season. What kind of quality of life is that? Get out! All of you! If you live there, relocate! If you're just visiting, well, what in the name of Kurt Rambis' ass sweat were you even thinking? Go back home! Why is the Midwest even a thing? At the very least we should be leasing it to China from December to March. Please, if you are reading this, GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!)

 

26-30 Degrees: Who cares.

 

So there you have it! You are ready for anything now, Slick! You're welcome. Now, get out there and make it happen!