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October 28, 2014

A vampire (walrus) lets us know that every vampire we have ever seen has been a walrus.

A Message from Peter the Vampire

It’s time the truth comes out. I’m honestly a little surprised we even have to say it, but here goes - all vampires are walruses.

It’s kind of sad I even have to bring it up, because walruses have been sucking blood out of people’s necks for centuries now.


Common vampire.

Every time you’ve ever seen a vampire, in real life, film or television, that’s been a walrus.


Still from the film ‘Dracula.’

Now not all walruses are vampires - of course not, that’d be ridiculous. You have to get bitten by a vampire walrus to become a vampire walrus yourself, and you have to be male. Females don’t grow the fangs we have, so they can never be vampires.

I can’t believe I even have to bring this stuff up. Isn’t it obvious?


‘True Blood’, ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’

How could you ever think vampires were anything but walruses? Look at the evidence - we die when impaled with stakes - that’s a lot like a boat ramming into us. We love the taste of human blood - what animal doesn’t? We hate garlic - what is that stuff? If you can’t find it in the ocean or on a warm rock near the ocean I don’t want to see it. We hate silver - looks a lot like a shiny harpoon, don’t it? And holy crosses repel us - of course they do, because all of us walruses are Jewish.


Walrus attending Rachael Abramson Bat Mitzvah, 2013.

I can’t believe you don’t see the yarmulkes when you’re staring at a bunch of walruses.

I should probably tell you at this point all bats are walruses, too, in case you’re an idiot. Bats are just small cave walruses that can fly - always have been.


“Bats” (walruses).

Honestly, it’s so obvious I feel like humans have been wrapping seaweed around their heads for a couple hundred years.

I get it though - it’s dark. You can’t see that we’re walruses very well. I’ll give you a pass. One more thing, though, and I’m serious about this: WE’RE NOT BEAVERS. Stop thinking that beavers are walruses. Only the heads look similar.