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Published July 23, 2008

Dear Son,

Hey dude, what’s up? How are things? Nice as shit, I hope.

Before you enter this crazy world, I thought I might share with you a few words of wisdom to help guide you along your way. After all, I may not be around much as you're growing up, because I’m a pretty busy guy. I’ve literally got something going on every night of the week this week, and that’s not even unusual for me. So when I’m not there to give you parental guidance, you can turn to this letter to tell you what to do, not unlike the way Christians turn to the Bible. I guess this letter isn’t too different from the Bible, except the Bible doesn’t have awesome drawings of giant squids and machine guns in the margins.

First things first. You should always treat others as you wish to be treated. However, you're occasionally going to encounter people who don’t follow this rule. With those people, it’s okay to harm and rob them. Nobody will mind.

Sometimes (especially when you’re a teenager! –Ed.) you might think your mother and I are being unfair to you. Just know that during these occasions, we are most likely acting with your best interests at heart. Occasionally we’ll be unfair just because your mother and I both derive a lot of pleasure from the act of being unfair to others; it’s what attracted me to her in the first place. But usually it’ll be the best interests thing.

Whenever you feel like criticizing someone else, you might do well to take a good look at yourself in the mirror first. And then try walking through the mirror. Ha ha, tricked you.

You are lucky enough to be born the son of an extremely wealthy, successful, and well-endowed man. When you meet people who are less fortunate than you, wait until they are out of earshot before making fun of them.

Let me know if you’re going to watch The Dark Knight , because I’d like to see it again.

There’s an old saying that really holds true: "You snooze, you lose." However, you should ignore this saying if you ever find yourself a contestant in a sleeping contest.

The day you find you can defeat your father in a fistfight will be the day you also find out that I was just pretending to be unconscious and now I’m sneaking up behind you with a Louisville Slugger.

Love,
Your Dad (Neilerdude)

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