Kate Johnson, the reigning Mrs. Australia, is attractive, married, successful and just better than you in every aspect. As usually happens when two hot chicks get together, we made fun of everybody like sea witches. BY NICOLE RUSSIN

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On your website, you talk about learning CPR. (http://www.chicnation.com.au/gossip-that-revives/) If you could give mouth to mouth resuscitation to any celebrity, who would it be? For me, reviving Sean “Diddy” Combs is perfectly OK, but if it’s Simon Cowell, I’ll just let him drown.

You and I have different tastes. I’m trying to find out if Margot Robbie has any allergies; every time we go out to dinner she harps on aboutonly eating salads (bloody models) when I’m trying to stuff her face with seafood to see if she has a reaction. Nothing. I don’t know why she has to be so selfish (or should that be shell-fish?). She only has to be out cold for like 1 minute.

Being Mrs. Australia is great. But why not lie you’re single next year and become Miss Australia?

I’m one step ahead of you there! It’s been a dream goal since Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian made it popular to marry and divorce beaus ASAP that I thought, why not add that to the bucket list!? 55 hours versus 72 days was tough to choose between, so I just made a sex tape instead. I’m such a rule breaker like that. It hasn’t leaked yet so it must have been a dud. Damn.

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You are originally from a town called Manly, just north of Sydney. Yet, you are very womanly. Did you look manly before you moved away to Darwin? Maybe I shouldn’t visit Manly. I might get confused for Channing Tatum and grow a beard.

I don’t know how guys can confuse ‘I used to be a man’ thinking I said ‘I’m from Iran’ before I shag them. They always get so offended and we end up in a pub brawl every time. I don’t get it, but clearly I win each time because I’m from the Territory; we don’t drive utes, sink VB and wrestle crocodiles for nothing. There’s a different class of lady folk in Sydney so I had to do a little more than shave from the neck up. I strolled into town after numerous cosmetic enhancements and adjustments to achieve my Nicole Kidman look-a-like physique that those Bondi hipsters have been none the wiser. Haha, idiots.

It’s pretty clear you were the best looking at the International Mrs. pageant in Jacksonville, Florida. Why didn’t they choose you? My eye doctor would say they need their vision checked. He tells me that whenever I say Leo DiCaprio is handsome.

My ‘resting bitch face’ was pretty average so I scrapped through thanks to a large financial donation from an anonymous billionaire. I could only offer tickets to a kangaroo boxing experience in the Outback and Witchetty grubs so fair is fair, the Americans know how to bring it.

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Is it true that all pageant girls do is start arguments? I heard Jennifer Hawkins threw eggs at your house. Set the record straight.

We don’t start arguments, we finish them. Where do I even start!? Jennifer was totes jealous I had a little handbag pooch so she kidnapped my Chihuahua and shaved her. That was fighting language in my book so I toilet papered her car and dressed her man up in all her swimsuits. If we weren’t in this battle to see who could ingest more nutrients from our surroundings, Valeria Lukyanova style, we’d probably be best mates. It’s been like 6 months and neither of us has lost any weight (considering we both want to stand up twice to cast a shadow, I’m not impressed with our progress, urgh)! I’m a mature person so I gave her a bottle of Moet to settle the argument once and for all. It’s been a rough night; I’ve just been bailed from prison (thanks Mum) – who knew an SUV fuel tank couldn’t handle champagne!? Weak. Now she’s been offered a role with the Inbetweeners at the same time I landed a role with The Expendables. I’m going to have to shave her dog now.

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What are secret perks of being Mrs. Australia? Do you gain psychic powers when you win?

I could align the planets every time I wore Christian Louboutins, but I have the attention span of an 18 year old boy at prom so now I just brag about having a beauty team that rivals any Victorias Secret model. That’s right Miranda and Candice; Kevin McKenzie, Blake Worrall-Thompson, Juliet Potter, Peter Sereno and ALL the Meerkats in the world are MINE!

Oh I nearly forgot. I have this ‘Key to the City’ thing…I can do what ever I want and no one asks questions; except to ask how green my green smoothie is. The Lamborghini was a pain to park anywhere, and it didn’t even have cup holders (WTF am I meant to do with my coffee and baileys when I’m trying to out run the Highway Cops, meow!?) so I replaced it with a Toyota Prius. It should be a crime driving something that sexy, but Walter and Achmed the Dead Terrorist pay out Jeff Dunham so much that I really wanted to try and make it cool. For his sake. I high five myself every morning with how much of a team player I am like that.

ABOUT US:

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KATE JOHNSON AKA. MRS. AUSTRALIA has an official website, web store, awesome blog and Facebook. She owns a Chihuahua and also owns a handsome husband. Kate is a model and entrepreneur when she isn’t being mean on Funny Or Die.

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NICOLE RUSSIN has real life print journalism credits that Ron Burgundy would say “are kind of a big deal.” She is a model and aspiring celebrity chef. You should download her free cupcakes book on iTunes and visit her official website and e-magazine and ELLE Spain blog.

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