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June 01, 2016

One contestant rises to the occasion as this season's sociopath.

We’re back for Week 2. Mad Chad has officially stepped up to the sociopath role for this season and I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER. He starts the boys off with a morning toast: “To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.”

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To a beautiful girl,to a beautiful life, and to y'all sucking my mothafuckin dick!!! GOTCHU!!! I GOT THE BEST WORDS!!! Heh heh heh.

Mad Chad: “I feel like none of these guys have dated a girl up to Jojo’s caliber before. They never got comfortable around beautiful women."My whole life I’ve probably spent a total of ten minutes out of sight of a beautiful woman. With surprisingly few restraining orders.

Group Date #1

Dick Pastor Evan reads the first date card and starts the series of lame physical reactions/squeals/grunts each man gives for their name being called.

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Dick Pastor Evan comes his pants for the SECOND day in a row. Will his streak ever end?

The guys hear an explosion outside and run out to find a limo on fire.

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My first thought was it’s the Bachelor Superfan.

To everyone’s great shock, a firetruck comes and Jojo emerges to put out the fire. This is the first group date of hopefully countless where Jojo is forced to perform in a thematically-relevant play to lead into it.

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Little known fact: the shirt and the helmet of a firefighter are totally unnecessary.

Santa Nick: “When Jojo hopped out of that fire truck, she was smoking. You know, the limo wasn’t the only thing on fire.” Do you get it? Is anyone going to say anything about Jojo other than the fire she’s producing in their pants?

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Is it just me or is it hot in here? AMIRIGHT?!

Jojo sprays the limo with disgusting dirt water. I hope this isn’t the same water they drink in the Bachelor Mansion.

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Jojo hoses down the limo and will have to hose down her beaus immediately after.

We are treated with a lot of beautiful imagery of a hot fire fighter woman (she never gets a real shirt or a helmet) putting out a limo fire with a gushing hose and absolutely zero explanation.

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Damn Daniel: “I was thinking ‘You can spray me any day,’ you know?” Yes Daniel, once again, we do know.

Mad Chad: “I feel like the group of guys that went on the date today are her B Team… In my days as an auto dealer, I always liked to have people look at the worst cars before they came to look at my good cars. By the time she gets on a date with me, she’ll see that I’m way better than all the other guys.”

Back at Bachelor Mansion, veiny hands stack protein supp tubs into a suitcase. We hear demonic whistling.

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Whoever could be whistling like a serial killer whilst packing protein supps?

Those veins belong to none other than MAD CHAD!!! He straps himself via some sort of stomach chain strap that he presumedly brought with him in order to do pull-ups in the most terrifying way possible.

I mean, you can’t script this. IF YOU CAN I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!

Marine Alex: “There’s an actual suitcase hanging from his thighs.” And then there’s also his luggage.

Superfan James S. says what all Bachelor Nation is thinking, “There’s nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man– in this case, a Chad– use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way. It’s a gift from above.”

Back on the group date, Dick Pastor Evan can barely contain himself describing the date, “We pull up to a fire academy. There’s a car on fire, there’s cadets running around, there’s all this equipment everywhere, and it looks pretty scary!”

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There’s virile cadets scampering around, loose hoses all over the place, just waiting, hoping to be filled up and sprayed out. It’s basically limp mash Heaven.

Chief Tracy tells them they have to do firefighter drills to win extra time with Jojo. Firefighter Grant is not stoked that this whole group date is basically mocking his profession and if he doesn’t win these drills, he will look like a gigantic loser.

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Damn Danieled if you do, Damn Danieled if you don’t.

Chief Tracy then tries to further cut off Firefighter Grant’s balls by grabbing his junk and making sure it’s secure.

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Yep, that’s the solid half chub we require for guys running through these drills.

Jojo regarding the fire drills she’s making the men do: “Trust is a big deal for me and I kind of just want to see if they have what it takes.” I’m super into trust also. Bible.

Damn Daniel: “The last time I pulled hose like that was probably back home when I was in my apartment.”

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The last time I pulled hose like that was actually a few minutes ago, thinking about my boy Chad finally being proud of me.

The guys are starting to lose it in these drills because it’s hot out, they’re carrying a bunch of equipment, and they’re not trained firefighters.

My favorite, Wells, collapses under the conditions. Boxing James F: “Wells looks like he’s about to pass out. I would imagine Wells weighs less than all the gear he’s wearing.”

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Wells ain’t well.

Chief Tracy: “He’s very pale and he’s kind of falling off. Let’s have a medic take a look at him.” Jojo nurses Wells back to health and he gets bonus one-on-one time without being weirdly good at specific fireman skills.

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Ali in the shadows: “Dangit! Why didn’t I think of sucking so hard?!”

Wells: “This is the most time I’m gonna spend with you. Granted I’m about to faint. Actually, like, every time I talk to you I feel that way.” Awww.

Back at the house, James Taylor is jacked on the most addictive drug of them all, that sweet, sweet music.

All of the Care Bear Crew join in singing with James Taylor: “Jojo, where’d you go? You’ve been on a date and we’ve been missing you at home.”

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Jojo, where’d you go? I have no idea even though I just watched a play performance that seemed related to firefighting so you probably went somewhere to do something firefighting-related.

They all high-five each other to celebrate their musical talent.

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Yeah, bro, yeah! Right on! We have been missing Jojo and this song does perfectly encapsulate that feeling!!!

Mad Chad to guys while menacingly eating some steak: “Y'all aren’t worried about the fact that you’re gonna sing a song to a girl that y'all have, like, known for less than like a day?” Oh sweet, sweet Chad. He’s not wrong.

Mad Chad surprisingly reveals he wouldn’t hit it.

Back at the group date, the guys compete in the final round for one-on-one time under the blazing sun.

Jojo is now apparently trapped atop a burning building that the top three men have to save her from. This doesn’t feel like it reinforces gender stereotypes in the slightest.

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Bitches be so stupid always getting trapped places and needing male rescue.

Chief Tracy picks Luke, Grant, and Wells, the worst one. So apparently those drill competitions actually meant nothing at all.

Wells: “I’m just gonna try as hard as a I can not to die.”

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The hero America deserves.

They have to do that standard thing firefighters do which is break through a labeled wall.

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They should have just put a photo of Chad’s face.

Jojo: “My knight in shining armor is Grant.”

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Is the building no longer on fire or something?

Luke: “My time with Jojo completely just went up in flames.”

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It’s almost as if I was raised in “Burn It” Texas for nothing.

Grant carries Jojo out of the building, presumably because the fire burned off her feet.

Later that night, the guys stew on Grant getting extra time with Jojo.

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Why didn’t I devote my life to saving people instead of ruining their hairstyles?

Grant’s able to use his go-to line to get a kiss: “I like the fact that, um, when I go home from work every day, I feel like in some way, shape, or form like I made a difference and like, I helped somebody, you know?”

Grant: “I’m never gonna leave my house and not wake you up and not kiss you and not tell you that I love you before I leave, because as messed up as it sounds, like there’s a chance that I might not come back.”

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That IS messed up. Let’s bone.

Luke: “Now I’m having to wait while he’s getting to talk to her about how he saved her life on top of a roof. I mean, it doesn’t get any worse than that for me.” Really? This is the worst moment of your life, Luke? I don’t know what living in the Bachelor Mansion does to your brain but most of them seem to actually think Grant saved Jojo’s life. Jojo grabs Wells to chat first.

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Wells: “I like the idea of Chief Tracy being like ‘Alright, uh, this guy almost died earlier. Let’s put him through it again. Let’s see how quickly we can kill him.’”
Jojo tells him he was amazing.
Wells: “I think your definition of amazing and my definition of amazing are a little bit different.”

Wells shows Jojo pictures of his bloodhound, Carl.

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Dick Pastor Evan tells Jojo he has three kids and Jojo says that’s amazing. So maybe Jojo uses the descriptor “amazing” quite loosely after all.

Luke is getting insanely frustrated about not getting enough one-on-one time for Week 2. Luke reveals to Jojo he was in the military and his last breakup was in 2013 which is slightly disconcerting. Jojo seems unfazed and they make out.

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Jojo’s One-on-One Date with Derek

Derek gets the one-on-one date and A-Ro-Bro tells him to stop smiling so much.

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Errybody got choices.

Derek: “I’m giddy like a schoolboy.”

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Schoolboy attempts to put on terrible shirt.

Their date is made up of a series of choices and Jojo makes them decide their first choice on the count of three. Derek slurs his response to match hers. I would have loved if they said different things and he had a meltdown.

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1…2…3… Jojo: Sky! Derek: Sssssky!!!

Now I’m just picturing that they’ve paid for all these dates that no one goes on. Maybe the PA’s. Haha that doesn’t happen.

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The dream date: picking one and wondering the whole rest of the time if you picked the worse one.

Derek forces Jojo to choose the North flight and South flight man is extremely disappointed he doesn’t get his moment.

The birth of a super-villain.

On the flight Jojo and Derek ask each other a series of boring two-option-answer-questions. They couldn’t be lamer as they proceed to do a thumb-war.

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1, 2, 3, 4, I declare this date a bore.

At the next choice, Derek forces Jojo’s arm to choose Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street. Really wish this had blown up into a full-on argument.

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And we choose THAT ONE. You’re the woman, remember?

Jojo: “Kiss or no kiss. I’m going to go with kiss.”

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Jojo asks Derek about his past relationship and he keeps making a face.

Derek: “So, um, that ended, you know, a few years ago. Um, sorry. I haven’t really talked with anybody about this. Um. Since my last relationship, it’s– it’s, I think, been a little tough for me to open myself up because I have closed myself off. Um, ‘cause once I do let people in, it hurts a lot.” Jesus Christ.

Derek: “Um, I did close myself off for a while… My last relationship, I was – I was ready to move forward, and [get married] and both of us had vocalized that, um, and there was another person that got involved in that.” Another person got involved in their marriage plans? THE WEDDING PLANNER STOLE YO GIRL??

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Um, I’m definitely over my last girlfriend cheating on me. The 1000 yard stares and constant lip-licking is um, just signifying how open I am to finding new love.

Jojo tells him her sob story about getting over Delicate Ben three days ago.

Derek: “It makes me so excited and so happy to have made the decisions I did to come here. CHOICES!!!!!” He’s freakishly happy to have found that word parallel to their day.

Jojo gives Derek a rose and they are forced to make-out in front of a fountain for this artistic shot. Derek says, “Don’t stop,” and I throw up in my champagne. Sorry but I’m kind of with Derek’s philandering-ex-girlfriend on this one.

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OK Derek tuck your butt in a little bit, we need to nail this silhouette.

Back at the house, James Taylor has not stopped playing the guitar. His fingers must be bleeding at this point. The Care Bears Crew sings along with him, making up songs about Jojo. They all continue to sing despite Mad Chad’s warnings of Stockholm Syndrome.

Some say if you put a rose to your ear you can still hear them singing this song to this very day.

One of my favorite developments from this episode is Damn Daniel’s unlikely transition into Mad Chad’s sidekick to form the Tank Top Boyz. The Tank Top Boyz shit-talk the singing Care Bears Crew.

Mad Chad: “I always warn girls, I always say, ‘Stay away from the nice guys.’”

Little girls across America better be paying attention to these kernels of NAH-LEDGE.

Damn Daniel is up his butt: “I totally agree.”

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DUUUDE you’re right! That’s what I always say too, eh! If they don’t seem like assholes don’t go near ‘em, as I always say, ya know? Love assholes so hard.

Mad Chad: “I’m an asshole. Yeah, I joke around, but in the end, I’m actually nice. It’s the nice guys who are actually assholes.”

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Yeah, I’m an asshole. Yeah, I joke around. Yeah, I’m a veiny, rapey, psychopath who gets off on putting people down. But in the end, I’m so nice, dude.

Tank Top Boyz can’t stop winning.
Mad Chad: “[The nice guys] are not being real.”

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Everyone knows you can’t be real without being a total douchebag!

Mad Chad: “If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up…”
Damn Daniel: “What kind of shake would you get?”
Mad Chad: “Half of that dude protein shake would be like–”
Damn Daniel blurts out: “–All the same!”
Mad Chad: “–Have zero chance.”

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All the same! Chocolate! I mean, have zero chance! I mean, whatever you say is right can I get you another plate of meat?

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Half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance. The other almost half of that dude protein shake would have 1% chance (in case of Jojo losing her mind). Then the me-part of that dude protein shake would have 99% chance at winning.

Mad Chad: “I feel like I am ready to take care of Jojo in the way that she needs to be taken care of.”

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I feel like I am ready to take care of Jojo in the WAY THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.

Mad Chad: “I knew you were cool the minute I met you.”

Damn Daniel: “I knew you were cool, too. I have a really good intuition, ya know?”

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Cool Tank Top Boyz will prevail!

Group Date #2: Sports Stuff

Wells announces the men for the second date. Each one again takes turns doing lame-as-fuck celebration gestures.

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Yessuhh!! This must be what it feels like to actually get drafted on a professional football team.

James S. glares at each chosen man, making me further worried he’s going to kill himself no matter which week he goes home.

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James Taylor is so excited to get picked he kisses the man next to him atop his head.

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Mad Chad rubs it in to the guys that weren’t chosen for any date this week: “You’ve gone a full life of not seeing Jojo. You can’t wait a couple, like, a day?”

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You can’t wait like a day to see this girl? I’ve seen so many beautiful girls I could go an entire FORTNIGHT without seeing one.

Mad Chad: “You’ve gone your entire life without her. Like, you can chill. She’ll be here. She’s not gonna disappear next week. She’s not gonna get on a jet an fly away to Malaysia. You’ll have time to get to know her.”

Chase rubs his arm, hoping to physically cope with his emotional distress.
Chase: “I’ve learned to just not take into consideration much of what Chad says. It upsets me Chad’s on the date and I’m not on the date. I hope that Jojo’s able to see what we’ve seen from Chad.”

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The guys begin their group date outside the ESPN building. James Taylor: “You just could literally see the ESPN, like, famous logo. I’m like, ‘Are you kidding me?’ I don’t know what I’m gonna be doing today, but I love it.” It would be great if the date was like being janitors in the ESPN building. DO YOU LOVE IT NOW JAMES TAYLOR?! Never assume, ya fool.

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You’d almost think they’d seen Jojo tell a mediocre joke.

Marine Alex: “Today’s gonna be a great day but I’m gonna have to spend it with one super douche. Chad is a toxic person in a group of people that are trying to enjoy themselves and fall in love with someone like Jojo.”

They meet a couple of sports men, Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley, hosts of what looks like a show mocking ESPN, “SportsNation”. In the second introductory group date play, Jojo is presumably being forced to pretend she cares about sports as a sports commentator.

Marine Alex: “We walk right into a studio. They’re full-blown broadcasting one of my favorite sports shows.

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Ever wondering what full-blown broadcasting looks like? Wonder no more.

They’re changing the show name from SportsNation to BachelorNation for the group date. Max and Marcellus put them through a series of nonsensical challenges and then “power-rank” them in the end.

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SportsNation knew to advertise where their audience is…

The first challenge is Strike a Rose, where they have to do a celebratory dance using the rose as a football, as if they’ve just accomplished something in football.

I wonder which part of his 3am workout routine prepared him for this moment.

Marine Alex makes the rose into a gun and “kills” the other contestants. Why is everyone so scary this season?
A-Ro-Bro copies Marcellus’ dance but adds a part at where he dry humps the rose at the end and gets turf-burn on his knees.

Someone needs to get A-Ro-Bro some looser pants.

Mad Chad: “Best thing about Jordan is his brother. You know what the worst thing about Jordan is? He’s not his brother.” Gems on gems.

Santa Nick pretends he’s in a shower and gropes at the “shower knobs”.

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Nick? Why are you holding onto the shower knobs for dear life? You need to let them go. No biting.

Mad Chad picks Jojo up and Marine Alex hates it.

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But proving your worth through physical strength is my jam!

Marine Alex gives Mad Chad two thumbs down which probably really hurts Chad.

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Marine Alex: “There is no way I can see a guy like Chad and Jojo being together in the long haul, and I think over time, she’s gonna clearly see that. The guy is a complete joke.”

The next game is called Eye on the Prize. They twirl the guys 10 times and then they have to fake propose to Jojo.

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But this is definitely about finding love and definitely not a game show and there is definitely not a “prize” to “win.”

Mad Chad participates even tho you know he’s mad about it.

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James Taylor: “Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender."NEVER STOP THE MILLIONS OF PROTEIN SHAKE REFERENCES!!! THEY MAKE ME BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE AGAIN!!!

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Chad’s protein shake brings all the boys to the yard.

Santa Nick: “I guess once I got down on one knee, the three Jojos I was seeing kind of came back into one.” We then get a visualization of Nick’s hallucination.

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In case you CAN’T EVEN imagine what three Jojo’s look like.

Nick and A-Ro-Bro’s proposals are super cheesy.

A-Ro-Bro: “That wasn’t the first time I felt dizzy and almost fell waking up to you.” You’ve known her literally one night.

Marine Alex: “I can honestly tell you that this is by far the best day of my life.” WTF??

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This is by far the best day of my life after that day I discovered guns.

Mad Chad: “I feel like I’m surrounded by children playing little games. I don’t think the other guys are understanding that this is a real girl who really wants to get engaged. I feel like they’re all here as a joke.”

Christian: “My love, my queen, my everything.”

Mad Chad: “They think that what they said was very well spoken but none of it was real. You can see right through it.”

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Mad Chad grabs her butt and only says “Will you marry me?”

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Jojo: “What are all the things that you love about me?”

Mad Chad: “I feel like in that moment, you should already know that.”

Jojo: “I’m a words-of-affirmation girl.”

Mad Chad: “You need me to tell you all the things I love about you? Starting off a little naggy here.”

Mad Chad: “If I’m getting nagged, I’m gonna say something.”
This n-word ruffles some feathers.
Marine Alex: “I knew it coming into this that Chad would shoot himself in the foot and I think he just wrote his own ticket home for sure.”

Mad Chad: “She wants a man. She doesn’t want somebody who’s gonna play dress-up and gonna kiss her ass."Am I missing someone in a costume?

Mad Chad: "They’re all busy sucking up and then trying to make me seem like I’m the asshole when all I’m doing is calling things like they are.”

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The next game is called Press Conference.

Mad Chad: “Honestly I feel like none of these guys have ever dated a beautiful girl before.” He really likes to reiterate that he’s dated beautiful girls before.

James Taylor, powering through his addiction, sings during the press conference.

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I wonder if he sings when he’s inside you, too.

Mad Chad: “At this point I’m ready to send all these guys home. I mean, it’s almost like a talent show for some of these guys.”

The sports guys ask Marine Alex who Jojo should not date. Shocker, Marine Alex: “I would give that to Chad with some of the comments he’s made today.” James Taylor also calls him the worst.

You guys have human emotions? Gross.

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Nagging and proposals don’t go hand in hand, CHAD. Everyone knows that.

Mad Chad: “Forgive me if I’m not gonna be fake."Chad calls A-Ro-Bro an actor. You gonna come at the king, you best not miss.

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Max and Marcellus feel bad for Jojo.

When Mad Chad is on the sports stand, he tells Jojo he doesn’t know all the things he loves about Jojo yet, “These guys can all tell you all the different things that they love about you and they’ve studied about you on TV or whatever, but I don’t know. I know you’re beautiful. You’re ready for a relationship.”

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I know you’re beautiful. I know you’re ready for a relationship. And I know you’re falling for this garbage because hotness is extremely blinding.

Marcellus asks Chad why he wants to get married: “I’m ready for a relationship, you know? I’m at the point in my life emotionally, financially, all that stuff.” For a non-actor, he seems to have memorized this one line pretty well.

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I’m at that point in my life emotionally, financially, all that other stuff you’re supposed to say.

Mad Chad: “Y'all don’t know her yet. You can’t be in love with her. Like, if you are, that’s weird. And what’s to stop you from falling in love with the next girl that immediately walks up? Is this the first beautiful girl you’ve ever seen? Like, you haven’t seen pretty girls? Y'all don’t have TV, you don’t have magazines?” Y'all don’t even have RedTube?

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Don’t you DARE insinuate A-Ro-Bro doesn’t have RedTube.

Jojo: “Chad is not trying to hide the fact that he’s not getting along with a lot of these guys. He’s not trying to act like he’s something that he’s not. He’s honest. He’s up front. I like that about him. I don’t know if it’s too much.” All past seasons have shown that the person who doesn’t get along with the group is usually the BEST choice though?

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Oh gosh darn it, I’m just too honest!

Marcellus and Max debate. A-Ro-Bro “has the looks, has the style, the presence, and Aaron Rodgers coming over for turkey. That’s a good Thanksgiving.” I feel like the Thanksgiving atmosphere should be the number one factor. Marcellus loves Chad.
They announce the power rankings: #3: Marine Alex. #2: Mad Chad. #1: James Taylor.

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Really wish we could see #4-6

Marine Alex: “Getting third hurts a lot because Chad got second. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me mad to think that I’m even associated to a man like that.” Associated? You didn’t tie, dude.

A-Ro-Bro: “Chad took it upon himself to spread a few lies about us, and unfortunately, that’s gonna dictate how the rest of the night goes.”
Mad Chad: “All of you guys just lied to her. You just told a girl all the things you love about who you don’t know shit about. I’m the only one now, looking back, that was honest. Ta-da! I’m correct.”

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Ta-da! This trick has been performed by the world’s rapiest magician.

Mad Chad’s confessional: “I have never met a group of guys so sensitive. I do not care at all what the other guys think about me.”
Leading into the drinks portion of the night, we get an image of an angel statue in a tuxedo.

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James Taylor: “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from inside.”

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A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from inside. Except for like all excretions. Oh and frowns.

He admits he’s not “Abs McGee” then chokes up while reading Jojo a note about his feelings and about God and Bachelor Nation is over it. OK maybe just me. IT’S WEEK TWO, ABS MCGEE.

Mad Chad: “These guys are absolute cheeseballs. James is maybe a high school sweetheart for a girl who just said, ‘Fuck it, I’ll stay with this guy.’” Why am I always on the same page as this lunatic? I hope he stays so much longer. He’s great. Though he is making these recaps hard to keep under 1,000 pages with so many gems.

Mad Chad: “Alex is too short. She likes tall guys. Ben was 6'4. You don’t go from 6'4 to 5'4. The whole group of guys they’re all going about everything wrong.”

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Marine Alex takes Jojo to the giant chair to make her think all people are small?

Mad Chad: “Christian doesn’t know how to be real. It’s like he’s constantly listening to his own words before he says them. Nick is trying so hard. It’s just coming off super weird. At first, I thought Jordan was gonna be the biggest competition, but she doesn’t want a guy that’s gonna kiss her ass constantly. She wants a real person.”

Mad Chad tells Jojo that all the stuff earlier was a joke.

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I thought calling all the other guys fake was kind of like our “that’s what she said.”

Jojo: “Chad is standing his ground right now. He owns what happened earlier today. I’m getting a very honest vibe, and that’s something that I can appreciate. But I do think that Chad is overcompensating for something, and I don’t know why.”

She finds out why– Chad’s Mom passed away recently. This explains some but definitely not all.

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I wish for 26 new options please. But keep Chad and Wells.

Mad Chad’s confessional: “I came into this thing thinking there’s no way I’ll actually really have feelings for this girl. I didn’t think, like, it was possible for me to like get that ‘Hee-hee-hee’ you know like, giddy. Giddy feeling. But man, I feel that. And now I actually am starting to develop some real feelings for her.”

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That awkward moment when you feel a Tee-hee-hee coming on.

Marine Alex keeps Hanging Chad: “Chad is the highest level of d-bag. He’s the guy that thinks he is the alpha male in any room he walks into.” Definitely not spoken like a beta.
Jojo gives the group date rose to James Taylor.

Cocktail Party

Mad Chad sneaks out of the mansion to grab Jojo before she even enters the cocktail party. Jojo asks about his day and Chad admits he avoided the guys’ “pow-wow hour."They rejoin the group and have Chad’s intended effect on the others.

Superfan James: "Chad walks in with Jojo and everybody’s mouths collectively hit the floor.”

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This is not in Bachelor decorum?!?!?! BUT THERE ARE RULES!!!!!

Marine Alex represents the Care Bear Crew in asking Chad to come speak with the group about his indiscretions. Mad Chad eats meat like a maniac this entire cocktail party (Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11 style) and it’s amazing.

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Marine Alex: “Chad is by far the public enemy number one when it comes to the guys. He’s got no foundation of respect, so the fact that he walked in with her, it doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.” Why does he assume those two things will be correlated?

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He’s got no respect AND he walked in with her. IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP?!

The Care Bear Crew begin their ruthless investigation of Mad Chad.

Marine Alex: “We don’t care about [the food].”

Mad Chad: “You don’t want the meat on a stick? It’s delicious.”

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Poster boy for duper’s delight

Marine Alex: “Cool. What’s up with uh, with what happened just now?”

Mad Chad: “I was getting some air… [Jojo] happened to approach as I was getting said air.”

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You mad I got said air, bro?

Mad Chad: “He’s just being super sensitive. Like what’s happening between me and her and all this stuff, that’s none of his business.”

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What? I’m innocent! It was totes not my intention to provoke Marine Alex through my actions!

Marine Alex: “The house has been divided. Winter is coming.” What??

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The house has been divided! Winter is coming! The night is dark and full of terrors! I am the mother of dragons!!! Is that something?

Chase presumably gets a PA to dump fake snow on him and Jojo as they have a mini-snow-date.

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Is that kid ever going to stop dumping that on me? This hair doesn’t just happen.

Mad Chad’s Mad Protein Feast continues.

Mad Chad: “I didn’t have a protein shake a minute ago so that I can dive into all these. I saved my cals, man.”

Just taking a wet dive into some cals, man.

Grant: “Chad has consumed enough to feed like, a kindergarten classroom. Maybe even like, fifth grade. Chad has taken the term ‘meathead’ to a whole unparalleled level.”

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He’s taken the term meathead to a whole new level. Also the term brotein shake. Also dudesicle.

Mad Chad: “All they’re doing is like, talking about me. I’ll be walking through the house randomly and I hear my name constantly. Like, I can’t make it one lap around the house without hearing my name somehow in the background. It’s kind of entertaining a little bit, you know?” Oh, I know.

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Mad Chad getting off on getting dudes mad.

Mad Chad: “I do still feel like most of the guys are a little immature. They are boys. They’re not quite men yet. They’re turning this into a college-style military platoon frat party.” OK he’s definitely never watched the show before. This show has literally always been exactly that.

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Superfan James’ spidey sense is tingling that someone is mocking the Bachelor franchise model.

Mad Chad interrupts Marine Alex’s one-on-one.

Marine Alex’s confessional: “It’s something right out of a horror film in my perspective that he came up and cut me off during my small amount of time I had with her.”

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It was straight out of one of those classic horror films. You know, that really famous one where someone interrupts someone else?

This calls for the Care Bear Crew to have another intervention with Mad Chad.
A-Ro-Bro: “You’ve been crushing the food.”
Marine Alex: “You’re crushing the time, dude.”
Derek?: “You got after it tonight.”
Then they complain that Chad doesn’t care about them.

Mad Chad: “Whenever they came up to me to talk to me, they’re like the most vague bullshit ever. It was basically just like, ‘Hey, you hurt our feelings. We’re a bunch of butt-hurt dudes who are gonna confront you slightly.’ It was like watching Westside Story. Like, a bunch of dudes just like… surrounding me, man. Just coming in a circle. ‘Alright, let’s get Chad.’” I mean… Mad Chad is a gift.

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Thank you Lord Harrison for this late birthday present.

Mad Chad: “Y'all are trying to make me out to be like an asshole.”

Marine Alex: “You are completely an asshole.”

Mad Chad: “It was really weird, so I just kinda left. It was like if the Care Bears like, surrounded you and told you they’re gonna kick your ass.”

Mad Chad consults with his henchman, Damn Daniel.
Mad Chad: “That was like straight up like–”

Mad Chad: “I don’t care if I’m best friends with every guy here. Number one, that’s not why I’m here. Number two, it’s only fun to mess with people when they get upset… So I think I’ll have one last little bit of conversation.”

Number 1, not here to make friends. Number 2, it’s fun to mess with them. Number 3, steak with a small side of conversation.

Mad Chad interrupts Dick Pastor Evan’s one-on-one time and Dick Pastor Evan has a conniption fit. This douchebaggery is the last straw for Marine Alex and he feels it’s time for a third and definitely not final confrontation with Mad Chad at this party. Marine Alex definitely doesn’t seem like he’s over-compensating for something at all.

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It’s OK Dick Pastor Evan! Your kids def aren’t gonna be ashamed of you for not standing your ground.

Marine Alex: “Hey Chad. You’re just doing all types of snaking, you’re probably making like move 10, she’s probably getting creeped out.”

Mad Chad: “Fuck you then, man.”

Marine Alex: “It’s getting weird that you’re just hanging around lurking around the corner. Just go drink a beer or do whatever you got to do.”

Mad Chad: “Fuck you for real. I’m serious… Keep that up, you’re gonna lose your damn teeth.” Mad Chad puts his pointer finger on Alex’s face.

Marine Alex: “You think I’m scared of you, bro?”
Mad Chad: “I think you are. I think you should be.”

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Marine Alex may not be scared but Ali def is.

Rose Ceremony

Mad Chad: “If I were to go home tonight it would make absolutely no sense. I would just turn it off as she has an issue, not me. I would probably end up confronting her, being like, ‘That’s bullshit. You know you like me.’ I can see it in her eyes. She’s interested in me.”

Superfan James S.: “If Chad got a rose tonight and I didn’t, it would be nothing short of devastating.” Uh oh.

Marine Alex: “If Chad gets a rose tonight, it means that everything that I think that that rose stands for is degraded.That rose is supposed to symbolize, that like, one of the best bachelors in the country is receiving that. It’s supposed to symbolize that you’re a good guy and you’re here for the right reasons. But it’s gonna represent, just garbage if she gives him that rose.”

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Will these roses represent being a good guy or FUCKING GARBAGE?

Mad Chad brings more food into the rose ceremony and continues to narrate what’s wrong with each dude: “Competition’s real light… She’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.”

Mad Chad’s right about both and they both stay. Marine Alex now has a symbol of garbage on his lapel. Goodbye Superfan James S., Will, and Hipster Brandon.

Dick Pastor Evan is not happy about Chad: “I wish she had told him to get the freak out!”

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He’s just a freak-boy Jojo don’t you know?!

Mad Chad’s swan song of this episode: “All these guys just trying to compete for Jojo and falling over each other, making fools of themselves, I’m not impressed. It’s a parade of losers. God, they’re gonna write so many more songs, they’re gonna write poems. I will not write her a song about how much I love her. I’m gonna have some protein shakes, keep working out, keep eating food… at the end of the day I’m gonna get the girl.” I mean, just fucking perfection.

Scenes: There’s two episodes next week?! Fuck. They’re making it look like Chad punches James Taylor which I doubt.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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