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May 03, 2016
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This week my great state of Mississippi made it legal to carry firearms into church and, excuse my language, it’s about freaking time.


Carl
Gun Enthusiast

Hello fellow Churchgoers. Carl here again!

Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this?! For years I’ve been sticking three ideas in my church suggestion box:

A larger parking lot. (Our wonderful community grows by the week!) A youth group! (Children need the Lord more than any of us!) To be able to carry lethal firearms into church! (For murder!)

Well my prayers were answered! This week my great state of Mississippi made it legal to carry firearms into church and, excuse my language, it’s about freaking time.

Some people think you are safe in a church and don’t need several guns on you at all times. I call these people ISIS.

Wouldn’t ISIS just love it, if I sat in church with my loving family, and wasn’t packing massive amounts of heat in my pants? Wouldn’t Al Queda be thrilled to know that while I am worshiping our lord and savor with my newborn daughter, that I didn’t have at least one grenade in my back pocket in case trouble brews?

Nice try stupid terrorists! When you come into Our Fathers Presbyterian on 19th St. in eastern Mississippi. You are going to be walking into a freaking war zone. I have several unregistered firearms and literally hundreds of Walker Texas Ranger VHS tapes and am ready to go!

Look. It’s about common sense people.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been kicked out of church for trying to use ordinary objects as weapons. To be honest I thought it would impress our preacher. But it was always “Carl, you can’t actually burn people with holy water.” “Carl don’t try to lift the organ you’re just going to throw out your back again.” “Carl no one is interested in coming over to watch Walker Texas Ranger.”

Well sorry for trying to save the day like, oh I don’t know, a certain man named Jesus would. Would you have told Moses not to part the Red Sea? Would you have told Carl not to open fire on anyone who seems like a threat to Sunday Mass? Well you did.

I have two heroes, Jesus Christ and Jason Bourne. I walk in both of their footsteps.

Its like I tell my beautiful angel of a newborn. “You are never safe. And when you think you are safe, that’s when you are in the most danger.”

Just cause we are in the Lord’s house, that doesn’t mean the Lord is home. He can’t watch us 24/7, people. He is busy making sure people I don’t understand can’t use the bathroom in certain states.

That means its up to me, us, to protect this holy place of God. Now I’m not a violent man. I’m a god fearing Christian. I just do what the bible wants. And the bible is filled with sweet graphic violence, making the message very clear. Kill anyone who could be ISIS, Carl.

So many people could be ISIS. And everyday I pray for God to make it a little clearer to me who in fact is ISIS and who are the people that I’ve injured who aren’t in fact ISIS. What was I supposed to do? Not attack anyone I think is ISIS? Not today ISIS. Not today Satan.

Am I sorry that we have to rebuild the church? No. Am I sorry I thought the Morrisons’ wedding was a hostage situation being perpetrated by ISIS and tried to deliver sweet holy justice? Time will tell. But remember, God works in mysterious ways. And as my legal team pointed out at trial, “no one was actually hurt because I missed literally every target.”

I very much look forward to my release in 12 months (10 if good behavior) and get back to my beautiful daughter, my loving church, and my arsenal of kill machines that the sheriffs department couldn’t find and I am now allowed to bring to my second home. Church.

God bless (unless you’re ISIS).


Check out Jamie Kilstein and The Agenda’s “Fuck The NRA!

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