In light of recent requests by our reenactors following events such as the tragedy in Ferguson, MO, and the overwhelming feeling that our culture is not as advanced as we would hope it to be, we are updating the rules for our yearly Civil War Reenactments.
1. As requested, the two sides will be divided into the following: North 1 and North 2.
2. When the initial guns are fired, signaling the commencement of the battle, the two sides will meet in the center of the field, shake hands, and discuss race relations and their ongoing role in our society.
3. Due to popular demand, each side gets to have three Abe Lincolns.
4. After one hour, each side will break for lunch and will update their Facebook statuses with engaging pieces of content they read on any of the following publications: The Atlantic, Mother Jones, and Grantland.
5. Many reenactors in recent years have complained that they are embarrassed when their children inform their teachers that “their dad fights for the South in Civil War Reenactments.” To combat this, this will be the first year participants are allowed to bring their children to watch and, hopefully, live tweet the battle.
6. The Confederate Flag will be replaced by a college application essay from a mixed race high school senior.
7. We will no longer use the word “Battle.” In its place will be “Progress.”
8. We will no longer use guns or firearms. In their place, we will use DVD copies of Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln, which will be lightly tossed at charging opponents.
9. At noon, we will be put down our weapons and DVDs and all read the Emancipation Proclamation loudly and in unison, in the hopes that someone sees us, records it on their phone, and promptly alerts BuzzFeed and Upworthy.
10. For some reason we’ve all decided to do this with our lives, so remember to have fun out there (not too much, though — while our antiquated costumes and farcical facial hair may say otherwise, we must not take this affair lightly).
11. The winner will be determined by whichever side has the least amount of fun. This is not a game.