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September 04, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

According to an e-book written by former Special Ops soldiers, the Navy SEAL who wrote the tell-all book about the Osama bin Laden raid was bitter about being forced out of his unit. Their second biggest criticism being that he's too old-fashioned when it comes to publishing.

President Obama will reportedly address critics who say he hates free enterprise at the Democratic National Convention. However, he admits it's not an idea he came up with by himself.

Over 1,000 people protested corporate influence on politics and the bank bailout in Charlotte, N.C., ahead of the Democratic National Convention. To disperse the crowd, authorities asked the protesters to register to vote.

In related news, the GOP's convention received the second lowest number of viewers since 1996. To be fair, a lot of people were sitting at home watching it but no one could see them.

Likewise, only 38 percent of viewers said they thought Mitt Romney's speech was good. However, 1 percent of viewers called his speech "inspiring," "rich," and "money $$$ money!"

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon died this past weekend. He is best remembered as the founder of the Unification Church and the child of the only people who thought Earth was pronounced "Myung."

In a piece about Obama, the New York Times said he is "a voraciously competitive perfectionist." Adding, "But thankfully not too perfect, as that might offend white people."

British singer Seal sought to clarify an earlier comment and said he does not believe soon-to-be-ex-wife Heidi Klum cheated on him. Though he did also believe fire could be used as a type of toothpaste.

The Coast Guard picked up Russell Crowe off the coast of Long Island. Apparently he had become exhausted from a day of trying to fight the coast of Long Island.

For the first time in seven years, the summer box office made less of a profit than the year before. In response, film studios hope audiences really enjoy 4-D movies next summer.

Meanwhile, the children's movie “The Oogieloves” had the worst box office opening ever this past weekend. To put that in perspective, just a couple more and "Gigli" will be out of the top 50.

Regardless, "Oogieloves" producer Kenn Viselman said, "This was never about box office." "It was about making children stupid."