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August 05, 2015

Apple has a history of bungling big music releases, so here’s a few ways Apple could possibly do it again.

Dr. Dre’s first album in 16 years, “Compton: A Soundtrack by Dr. Dre,” will be released Friday, August 7, exclusively on iTunes and Apple Music. Of course, Apple has a history of bungling big music releases, so here’s 13 ways Apple could very possibly do it again.

  • Since Beyoncé asked nicely, it’s now exclusively available to stream on Tidal.
  • Whenever the N-word is detected, track plays out of your phone’s speaker instead of the headphones.
  • Album can only be played in Keynote.
  • They mixed out all those annoying high-pitched “G-Funk” synths.
  • You get sent push notifications whenever a new verse begins.
  • Full album can only be found by searching iTunes for “Andre Young, PhD.”
  • Instead of digital liner notes, Apple includes 300 photos of smoked Gouda.
  • Released exclusively to users of Apple’s long-defunct social media platform, Ping.
  • They pull a classic "Steve Jobs switcheroo” and actually release an album by the other Doctor Dré of Yo! MTV Raps fame.
  • Apple digs up Eazy-E’s corpse to stage a surprise reunion with Dre during the release event.
  • At the last minute, Tim Cook begs Dre to let him “spit 16 real quick.”
  • They accidentally give everyone the U2 album again.
  • The album doesn’t actually come out, ‘cause everybody act like they forgot about Dre.