1) Glenn Is Alive!
My thoughts on the matter can best be expressed to the tune of Adele’s “Hello”
Hello. It’s Glenn.
He’s been hiding under garbage for a month on Walking Dead.
We’ve been asking, every week
Will we finally get some answers? But it’s just a lot of teasing.
Hello. Glenn, can you hear me?
I’m here every Sunday hoping for the show this used to be.
When the cast was younger, and AMC
Had Breaking Bad, now Into The Badlands ads don’t cease.
But nobody is watching Into The Badlands
In a million years.
HELLLLOOOO FROM THE DUMPSTER SIIIIIIIIDE
WE SPECULATED GLENN’S ALIIIIIIIVE
AMC SHOULD BE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT THEY’VE DONE
THAT MORGAN FLASHBACK EPISODE WITH A GOAT WAS SO DUMB
It’s such a great song, you guys. Welcome back, Glenn! Yes, I called this weeks ago. So did everyone. Doesn’t make Glenn’s story of survival any less absurd. The idea that he just slid under a dumpster without getting a single zombie bite, when he’s literally surrounded by zombies, is a joke. And the zombies didn’t box up any of their Nicholas leftovers? You always take a box of leftovers even if you’re not going to eat it! Otherwise Nicholas might get his feelings hurt that his entrails weren’t up to par. Box up those leftovers and throw them out half a block away, it’s called manners.
2) Not In Rick’s House
Come on, Rick. Prayer might not be helping anything but it’s probably not going to hurt. Also, ripping flyers down is the least intimidating thing you can do. Wave your gun in his face! Better yet, put your gun inside of his mouth and say, “Suck it like a diiiiiiiick,” then make him flip a coin for his life. I’m not sure why they don’t hire me to write for this show, I have hundreds of great ideas and only half of them involve putting a gun in someone’s mouth and telling them to suck it like a dick.
3) Carl’s Hat Is Back!
Carl’s hat is back! Was it hiding under a dumpster this whole time? Nope! But it should’ve been hiding in a dumpster, because this hat is complete trash. It’s too big. I’m not a hat mathematician (hathematician?) but I can plainly see that there is, and always has been, too much of that hat for Carl’s head. Truly a devil’s bargain between the worst haircut of all time and a hat that looks like a burlap sack with an extension cord is trying to eat your brain. Throw one of those Japanese face masks in the mix and call it a wrap on the goofiest looking motherfucker from the neck up to ever be televised.
4) Morgan’s Quarterly Review
Morgan, welcome to your quarterly review. We’ve been going over your numbers and we’re concerned that you’re not performing well in the “kill people who are an immediate threat to your life” department. Morgan actually did a pretty good job of summarizing his philosophical stance, especially when he brought it back to Rick not killing him, but I don’t care. It’s still stupid. Anyone can take a moral high ground on any situation, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s the right position to take. What if nobody went for the last slice of pizza because it’s not the nice thing to do? Millions of slices of pizza would go to waste every day around the world! So if you agree with Morgan, then by the transitive property you hate pizza, so fuck you. The end.
5) We Don’t Have Time For Your Bullshit, Enid
I remember being 12 years old, or however old Enid is supposed to be, and it was difficult. Mostly because I was so very stupid. I thought my problems were significant, and occasionally life ending, but they were just dumb problems that a 12 year old thinks are big because they are the first and only problems they’ve experienced in life so far. What is this broad so sad about anyways? Her parents got eaten in front of her? Boo hoo! Go eat a turtle and cry about it. Parents get eaten every day; it doesn’t mean you need to wave a gun around at the one dude trying to help you. Nobody has time for this bullshit, Enid. Sorry you can’t be the general manager of a Hot Topic that you were so clearly destined to be. Doesn’t give you a learner’s permit to be insufferable.
6) Rick’s Hammer Time
“GANG! LISTEN UP! RICKY GRIMES IN THE BUILDING! SAFETY MEETING. *WHISTLE NOISE* WE NEED TO KEEP REAL QUIET! *CLAP CLAP* OTHERWISE, IT MIGHT ATTRACT MORE WALKERS! BUT JUST IN CASE MORE WALKERS SHOW UP, I’M GOING TO REINFORCE THE WALLS BY HAMMERING WOOD ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. *AIR HORN* MEETING ADJOURNED!”
God dammit, Rick. That’s not a good plan. Also, does hammering wood against a wall make it stronger? I don’t know. Maybe? I never attended wood college, but probably not. At least Rick made a friend.
I like this new guy. Which sucks, because it means he’s going to die very soon. Anytime this show tricks you into getting emotionally attached to a one-dimensional new character, it’s a death sentence for that young homie. Sorry, guy. I don’t even know your name. Don’t need to. See you on the other side because there’s no way you’re making it past the mid-season finale.
7) Someone Else Should Guard The Weapons
This lady might be the least qualified guard in Alexandria. The dumbest kid in the universe just outsmarted her with gravity and a can of soup. Let Carol guard the guns! Nobody will steal anything. She’ll make sure anyone who comes in the door strips down to their underwear like the women sorting cocaine in New Jack City. New Jack City is a great movie, this show should do more stuff from New Jack City.
8) Spencer’s Climb
Someone’s been playing a little too much Arkham Knight in the break room and thinks they’re Batman with this childish grappling hook nonsense. It would be easy to call this a stupid plan, but I don’t think Spencer had a plan. It was just some dumb shit he decided to do. This is where your decision-making skills are at when your whole food pyramid consists of whiskey and crackers. Been there, ate that, did plenty of dumb shit. It was all worth it, though, just so we could get this moment.
Welcome to my phone, new GIF of someone flipping the bird! Looking forward to breaking this out the next time someone tries to get me to leave my house on a Friday night.
9) Where Did She Go To Medical School?
Where did she go to medical school? She has symptoms written on a chalkboard like they’re the daily specials at my favorite brunch spot. (Why do they always have oysters on the menu when they’re constantly out of oysters? #BRUNCHGHAZI. #WEWANTOYSTERS.) She’s deciding how to treat a dying man by turning to a random page in a textbook. She has all the medical knowledge of someone who knows that ER was a show, but hasn’t seen a single episode. It’s a good thing she’s treating the last remaining member of The Wolves because I’m fairly certain it will result in his immediate death.
10) Carol’s Child Skills
I like that Carol jogs off the porch to shadow Morgan and Doogie Downer holding Judith then reaches a point of critical thinking where she realizes she might have to whoop on someone’s ass (maybe even multiple asses) and a baby in her arms will be a hindrance. Maybe don’t begin your sleuthing with a baby in tow? New rule: Let’s just keep Carol away from all kids. Not sure she’s a good influence. She basically told Sam he needs to start killing if he wants to be a decent person.
This would be a great time to insert an extremely poor taste joke about how Carol is in a race with Jared Fogle to see who can traumatize more kids. But I’m above that. I’m not, however, above referencing the fact that I could make the joke which is basically the same thing. Sorry. Whatever, I don’t think Jared reads these.
11) The Worst CGI Balloons In The History Of CGI And Also Balloons
We need to talk about these balloons. Why were they CGI? Balloons are really cheap. I’m well versed in the balloon market price; sometimes I buy them for myself at the checkout line when I’m getting groceries to cheer myself up after a long day. You should try it. Balloons are fun. Even the fancy Star Wars balloons that are full-size characters don’t cost more than a $20 bill.
These are plain balloons on the most watched cable TV show. Spring for the real deal! Someone pointed out on Reddit that maybe they were CGI for environmental reasons. You send up a half dozen balloons a few times and, at best, they become litter. More likely than not an animal is going to choke on one. First of all, not my problem. Sort it out. There’s like a hundred people working on this show. Give someone a chalkboard and put them on balloon duty. Figure out a way to get those balloons back safely. Maybe use this crazy technology called string! Second, let’s just assume the string store was closed that day, spend the extra money on CGI that doesn’t look like dog penis. This is not the first time they’ve cut corners, Fear The Walking Dead closed out their season with a terrible CGI boat. It’s like they think we won’t notice. But we notice! Do better, you guys. Just print out a big sign that says, “DO BETTER!” and put one in every post-production office you have because people need the message. Maybe throw a few up around the writers’ room as well. Just don’t put any on set; Rick will tear that shit down.
12) Well, Shit.
Shit. It was fun while it lasted! On to the next one, this place is officially boned. Tune in next week for the thrilling mid-season finale! Hey, real quick, what the fuck is a mid-season finale? Why do seasons have to be split in half? TV shows used to just have seasons. It was a great system that everyone seemed to be on board with. I don’t give a shit that AMC’s Q1 + Q2 ad revenue needs to evenly match Q4. Again, that is so far from my problem as a viewer. AMC should really focus on better programming year ’round instead of this mid-season bullshit that is such a transparent attempt to squeeze dollars at the audience’s expense. ANYWAYS! Tune in next week! Will Carl get shot by that kid because they both want to date the lamest girl alive? Yes. Almost certainly. Will Glenn be reunited with Maggie? I’m guessing not until at least three episodes later. Will we meet an ominous new villain in the last 30 seconds of the episode? It’s pretty much a sure thing. None of this and more on s06e08 of The Walking Dead!