The Greek financial crisis is complicated. Let these stereotypical Greek characters explain what’s going on in simple terms.


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Zeus, God from Greek Mythology

I, Zeus, King of the Gods, see an easy solution to this modern Greek crisis. Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras (what’s a Prime Minister?) let plebian Grecians vote on whether or not they want to stay within the powers of the so-called “euro.” Pfft. Strike down your lenders with thunderbolts! Defaulting on your loans? Kill the IMF’s cattle and bathe in their blood! And this Angela Merkel lady? Stop negotiating. Turn into a swan, seduce her, and make her beg for more loans! Crisis solved. You’re welcome, plebes.


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Maria Potokalos, Mother from My Big Fat Greek Wedding

What I tell you about Greece? They shouldn’t have been messing with those non-Greek lenders and their Euro. Going outside the family only causes problems. Their first mistake was letting Europe seduce them with their money. I said, “Why you want to leave me? Stay here, get married to Greek lenders, open restaurant, have babies!” But no. Oh, don’t complain to me about austerity- I told Greece those Europeans don’t eat like us.


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Philoctetes, Hero Trainer from Disney’s Hercules

Two words: no way. I trained a lot of losers in my day. And don’t tell me Greece is the comeback story of the year; I ain’t buying it. Achilles heel? More like they’ve got an Achilles body. An Achilles body that can only withdraw 60 Euros a day from the ATM. One word: Grexit. Did you know I coined that term? Greece is makin’ an exit from the Euro as fast as Danny DeVito is short.


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Kostas, Eye Candy from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

This crisis- doesn’t matter. You see, the sun is shining, the warm air is blowing in from the sea, and what else could matter? Yes, Greece’s politicians and other politicians hate each other, but there’s olives on the trees and oil on our plates. Greece just doesn’t know how beautiful it is, and I will remind it over and over until it goes skinny-dipping with me and gets in trouble with its Yia-Yia (Barack Obama).


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The Greek, Crime Boss from The Wire

Greece? Why you asking me about Greece? I got nothing to do with that financial crisis, and even if I did you couldn’t prove it. Also, you know I’m not even Greek, right?


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Cal Stephanides, Intersex Protagonist from Middlesex

Like Sisyphus, Greece is doomed to repeat its mistakes over and over again. After years of neglect, I find myself thinking about departed ancestors, borrowing time from their future kids, without ever breathing the word austerity into life. Sorry if I get a little Homeric at times, but I know better than most what it’s like to be caught between two worlds- are we more of the Euro, or more of ourselves? And I can only urge Greece to do what it knows is right in its bones, because then can it only truly be itself. But like, seriously guys, get off the Euro.


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John Stamos, Greek-American Actor from Full House

Huh? Crisis in Greece? Yeah, that sounds tough. Listen, there’s no crisis when it comes to my Oikos Greek yogurt. Just like my days on the set of Full House, nothing could be better than the creamy, smooth, and healthy taste of all of Oikos’ flavors. You know what’s really an issue? All the women I have to fight off because I eat Greek yogurt. Now that’s a crisis.


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Greek Yogurt, Protein-Packed Food from Breakfast

You’d like me to explain the crisis in Greece? Fine. Greece, like most countries, is in danger of defaulting on its debt. Many blamed the leadership’s fiscal irresponsibility and over-investment in social programs. But five years ago, Greece implemented extreme austerity measures, and has steadfastly stuck to them. Yet their situation has not improved. And 1.8 billion dollars of their debt is due today. They will either default, which will force them to leave behind the Euro and destabilize the entire system, or they can accept a deal with the European commission but lose some freedoms. Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has put the question to a democratic vote. And that’s what’s going on with the crisis in Greece. More or less. I mean, I am a yogurt. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with John Stamos’ upper lip.

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