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September 29, 2010

Reasons to stay out of the water.

I don't swim. Well, I do, but like a rock. So I can swim straight down. This would be enough of a reason to stay the hell out of the water for most people, and in truth, it is for me too. 

Now for the record, I do not have a phobia of the ocean, I can put my head under water, play in the surf, and all that jazz. I just can't swim. which is all well and good, because if you only normally go into the ocean up up to your knees, you have a lot less of a chance of getting salt water in your beer.

Which brings me to my first point... salt water.... you can't drink it. If you drink it, you die and not in a happy way. This is the ocean's way of letting us know to keep out of it. Plus, you know, fish shit in the water. Just gross.

Thanks too drinking a few too many cans of Red Bull, and having the internet, today I discovered that William Shatner is trying to protect the Salmon in B.C. which I found to be a random cause for Captain James T. Kirk to be involved in, but God bless him, he did a song with Henry Rollins that kicked ass, so I looked into the B.C. fish thing. Mistake number one.

Do you know what I found? FUCKING SEA LICE!

Now here is where I should have stopped... but no... I went on... a friend posted a link to my wall, and what was it? A list of sea creatures that can kill me!

I googled them...I wikipedia hunted them... and lord help me I'm staying firmly on the beach now! 

As a public service to my friends, I'm going to give you 10 more reasons to stay the hell out of the water (just to hammer the point home, if the deadly water and Sea Lice didn't do it for you).

Fangtooths, also known as ogrefishes, are deep-sea, ferocious-looking beryciform fish. And fucking CREEPY!

The blue-ringed octopus is the size of a golf ball, but its venom is powerful enough to kill humans. There is no known antidote. Yippie!

Man...I don't even know what the hell this is, but it freaks me the hell out!

A dragonfish... nuff said!

A Freshwater Tiger Fish... freshwater... there go lakes for me now too!

Great White Shark. Ever see Jaws? Fuck you Shark Week!

Jelly Fish...they don't go with Peanut butter!

When the snail locates a passing fish it shoots out a toxic harpoon and then reels its prey in. The venom of the Marbled Cone Snail is designed to paralyze its victim allowing the snail to feast at its leisure. The snail’s venom is a neurotoxin that causes coordination loss and weakness. Local pain, numbness, and swelling may occur in its victims. When stung by this snail your hearing, vision, and speech will be affected. In some case respiratory muscle paralysis has lead to death.

The Yellow-Bellied Sea Snake. The venom of the Yellow Bellied Sea Snake is a neurotoxin and those bitten suffer from respiratory, heart, or kidney failure. Though not an aggressive snake bites have occurred most often when it is caught in fishing nets. This snake has caused several reported deaths.

Hatchet Fish... you can almost hear them screaming at you!

And I'm not even going to mention the date raping Dolphins (other than to say I'm not going to mention them)!

Stay out of the water my friends... and eat as much sushi as you can!