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March 23, 2009
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A ponytail or dreadlock
DOES NOT

=

1 STRAND OF HAIR!

 

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Minimalist poem No. 5,000: Note from God to the angel Gabriel, as God tries to train Gabriel to count human hair for him, so that He can live up to the pressure He feels from Jesus Christ’s New Testament declaration about Him tallying the hairs on people’s skulls, yet still do the important stuff on his “to-do list” (keeping the universe running, answering prayers, going skateboarding the third Sabbath of each month ending in “y”), only to watch Gabriel keep cutting corners, which infuriates God, not in the Old Testament “I’ll-turn-you-to-salt-while-I-pelt-you-with-frogs-and-grasshoppers-and-boils-and-unending-elevator-music” sense, rather, more in the sense of being a 21st-century God who gets infuriated like an unappreciated spouse or coworker and vents his frustration by leaving snippy sticky notes with messages such as the one in the above poem

By Ivan O’Uris

(Who doesn’t have a ponytail or dreadlocks, but has a jackrabbit he’s trying to teach to tap dance, which has nothing with hair, although it has something to do with hares)

 

Background Notes: The background notes have been given up for Lent. To learn about the exciting story behind “Minimalist Poem No. 5,000,” please wait for “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.O’U. Papers” (No. 19), which will appear after Easter.

Clarification to the Background Notes: As of this writing, it’s unclear whether Easter means the Orthodox observance of Easter (April 19) or the Catholic and Protestant observance (April 12).

Disclaimer to the Clarification to the Background Notes and the Actual Background Notes (Which Are Not Called “Actual Background Notes,” But Rather, “Background Notes”): Some would argue that the notes saying there are no background notes are indeed background notes because they’re background notes about the lack of background notes (see also the popular argument against the declaration of the lack of absolutes). For the record, they ARE NOT meant to be background notes and thus are not background notes. For those who disagree, just cover your eyes when you reach the part that reads, “Background Notes,” “Clarification to the Background Notes” and “Disclaimer to the Clarification to the Background notes and the Actual Background Notes (Which Are Not Called ‘Actual Background Notes,’ But Rather, ‘Background Notes’)” and pretend all of that is gone, O.K.?

 

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