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March 23, 2016

Marco Rubio experiences what it's like to pull out just a little too late.

Miami – After one too many grabs at Donald Trump’s penis, Marco Rubio’s campaign has finished prematurely. Pulling out late, the campaign is now consulting Planned Parenthood for Plan B.

“He said he was fine,” campaign manager Terry Sullivan said, “Luckily we got here within 72 hours so we know their plan will be effective. It’d be a shame if in nine months he had to place his dreams of a cabinet position on hold over an easily preventable situation.”

Once heralded as the young, hot Latino who would reshape the GOP’s landscape, many Washington insiders thought Marcomentum had enough stamina to last all the way to the White House. Once Rubio started making passes at Trump’s family jewels the fallacy of his strategy was exposed. Emerging stronger than ever, Trump showed it’s not the size of the downstairs cabinet member that matters, but the ability to stand tall and thick skinned in the face of adversity.

Moments after finally pulling out, a visibly sleepy Rubio said he, “Made the best of a sticky situation and was proud of how far he’d come.”

The campaign later released a clarifying statement saying, “He misspoke, Marco meant um.”

We asked Mike Huckabee to weigh in on the scenario and he told us he is, unauthorized to comment on the matter, but would be willing to meet off the record. “Meet me at La Guardia in the middle stall of the Terminal B bathroom. Tap your foot three times under the divider and wait for my response.”

Rick Santorum could not be reached for comment, though we did cross paths in the restroom at La Guardia.