Written by Ed Toolis, union president
Let me explain something. Way back in ancient times—before the invention of fire—people had to come up with something to do during those long, dark nights, when the women of the clan weren’t in the mood to perpetuate the species. Eventually our ancestors came up with entertaining stories. Taking character flaws, turning them into comic characters, then putting those characters into situations that would get lots of laughs. And that resulted in the creation of the second oldest profession—humor creators—which still doesn’t pay as good as the first one, by the way.
To give you an example—and it pains me to admit this—I assume that all of you lovely ladies out there have been hit on by at least one obnoxious drunk, in your life. But I swear it all started out as the first comic character to go viral, circling around the globe, after our first viral hit, the fart joke.
Now, you have to understand that, back then, humor creators had no conception of “life imitating art,” so it never occurred to them that people would actually infringe on their copyrights and become those characters in real life. I mean, if they had, believe me, I’m sure they would have never gone on to create hundreds more, which ended up creating the third oldest profession, preachers—which ended up attracting bigger crowds than the second one got, by the way.
Now, all those preachers did do us a great favor by turning all of our comic characters into sinners and condemning all those who embodied them in real life to burn in hell for all of eternity. Which would be a fitting punishment, for infringing on our copyrights, by the way.
But despite all our hopes and prayers, the rise of religion failed to stop us from getting ripped off. So, we were grateful when yet another profession came along, psychologists, and turned all our comic flaws into “self-defense mechanisms” and went on to write thousands of self-help books, to show people how to get rid of them. Books that made more money than all humor creators have ever made, by the way.
And just when it looked like they were going to solve our problem for us, things took a turn for the worst. Thousands of people, who read all those books did the same thing to the psychologists they had done to us. They turned all those self-defense mechanisms into reality TV characters—and it didn’t matter if they were on a TV show or not.
A few examples. Rather than being the world’s standard bearers for equality, justice and individual freedom, many in Congress decided to become a parody of democracy standard bearers for, if anything, prejudice and ignorance. And rather than becoming statesmen of historical importance, Tea Party congressmen went for a pathological, Kardashian desire for celebrity instead.
Christians let a handful of clergymen turn Jesus into a joke. A joke that’s gone way beyond the twisted imaginations of any of our members.
The NRA even got in the act, saying that the only way to prevent people with guns from killing people is for everyone on the planet to conceal carry. But any shrink will tell you that anyone who thinks that way isn’t sane enough to own a gun.
Well, enough is enough. It’s time to put comic flaws back into the hands of professionals, who know how to use them for their intended purpose. To make the world a more enjoyable, fun place to live in. Not to make billions miserable.
So, What Can You, a Humor Fan, Do to Help Us Protect Our Copyrights and Make Sure We’re the Only Ones Who Get Compensated for Using Them?
Well, first, go to Facebook, search for “UCWA,” the Union of Comedy Writers and Actors’ page, like it and share it with all your friends.
Then, when you run into someone who is ripping off one of our beloved comic characters, online or off, give them a link to this. Then tell them that the next time they rip us off, you’ll add their name to the list of people in our copyright infringement lawsuit. And of course, we’ll be cutting you in for 15 percent.
And finally, it goes without saying, that all our members thank you in advance for your kind support.
Copyright © 2017 by Ed Toolis – All Rights Reserved
Ed Toolis is the author of There’s an App for That Books 1.1, Book 2.0 and Humor, Comedy & Sketch Writing. Available on Amazon.