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This week, a close friend asked me if I would ever one day like to inspire others as a part of TED Talks. My immediate reaction was, “Fuck yeah! I want to be in that talking teddy bear sequel! Although I don’t know how my storyline would work into the plot since Mila Kunis married the lead in the first Ted.” Boy, was I wrong. I learned TED Talks is really a motivational speaker thing, its audience filled to the brim with WASPy men professionally constipated looking for a living.

Alas, I decided yes, I wanted to motivate others, but no, I had to reach my target audience of younger, wiser men on FunnyorDie.com. Here I go. You know what I have to say is important because I wrote this on an iPad.

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Ahem. *clearing throat*

Hello, people of FunnyorDie.com! My name is Nicole Russin. Today, I want to teach you about why women such as Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj and myself – aka. people who may not be actual prostitutes but like to whore it up for entertainment value claiming artistry as our virtue – are misunderstood. Additionally, I want to do this through taking you into my world, as I need to confront the numerous misconceptions that I am the most infamous, home wrecking, STD ridden whore to come from Illinois since Mary Todd Lincoln gave her husband syphilis.

A quick point first. I believe she got the syphilis from that pimp Illinois homeboy of mine, Congressman Stephen Douglas. He was, like, absolutely the Chris Brown of the Civil War era. As in, you know, “Mmmmm, girl, he lookin’ fine, but watch yo-self Mary Todd, ‘cause he ain’t gon’ be there when yo wanna settle down wid kidz! He sleepin’ around!”

If you love Wikipedia, and you're a straight dude currently in a long-term sexual relationship with his left hand, you undoubtedly log onto Chickipedia.com often. This past summer, my Chickipedia.com biography was vandalized by someone I likely know alleging that my occupation is not a journalist who interviews celebrities and entertainment personalities, cookbook author nor beauty/editorial model, which I am, but "professional slut." As you can imagine, I am very upset. We women who sell out to advance our careers, stand out from the crowd and earn more substantial income are not sluts. We are simply faux whores for the sake of artistic value, just like how Vincent Van Gogh danced around in a leather thong to promote his paintings. And look where that got him! Is he not in museums everywhere nowadays?

I know this “slut” allegation begins with women who are jealous of me. Thanks to how I wear swimwear and revealing clothing in photos and real life, I am consistently accused of wanting to date other women's boyfriends. It's like they don't understand that I only date married men. I have no use for your unmarried boyfriends, OK! When I do date technically single people, I go for women and pathetic guys who act like women. No, I don't want to date your boyfriend. I want to hook up with your hot female best friend, and only then, I might occasionally fuck your boyfriend when I'm bored of watching late night “Kraft makes real American cheese!” commercials I DVRed. Total difference! Talk to the hand.

Men themselves like spreading rumors about me too. In the past, older, somewhat facially disfigured men have lied about me wanting to date them. Obviously, these rumors are false. I haven't been interested in these types of men since 2006 when I completed a twelve-step Necrophiliacs Anonymous program. It is also the reason why I no longer get sexually aroused while watching The O'Reilly Factor. However, and this is a private confession I cannot believe I am saying out loud, I sometimes relapse when I get drunk on toxic lava pink margaritas at the very moment Neil Cavuto is on Fox News. As noted, I’m still in remission of sorts from my illness. I’m glad I quit watching PBS Newshour: them news anchors had me so sweaty, I maxed out my credit cards on viewer donation money as a thank you for the free porn. And you wonder why your grandma loves public television so much.

Back to the point. People often criticize me for what I wear and thus, have a misconstrued notion of who I am. I get called “too inappropriate” to do anything but serious entertainment journalism, asking questions like "Was your screenplay that became a hit movie originally based on the fact that the Kardashians allegedly sniff glue, and you rephrased it into a blockbuster action flick? The movie’s cultural subtext was beautiful." Of that question, I certainly know it’s how Michael Bay, one of my favorite directors I aspire to be like, got the idea to make Transformers. There’s more. As I learned when I interviewed Adam Rifkin, a director of films I love like Small Soldiers, he made me aware that Small Soldiers was based on his one night, 1998 tryst with Kris Jenner. He felt like a “small soldier” escaping from her lair one evening when she cheated on Bruce with him. She actually temporarily shrunk him with her Klean Kwik Kardashian voodoo powder [*PATENT PENDING*, soon to be available at Sears!], down to 11-inches in height! Who knew?

OK. Off topic again. Yes, I do get criticism on my attire. Yes. Sometimes, I have modeling photos taken wearing bikinis or revealing dresses. These take away any credibility I have to do anything but that, right guys? It’s pretty hypocritical when you realize I could get the TSA to tell me everything for ABC News if I show up in a Kate Upton sized swimsuit. If only news directors realized they are in the wrong.

AND, sometimes in real life, I go out in miniscule clothing I borrowed from an old Polly Pocket doll. This doesn't make me a real life whore or unworthy of serious news beats! Women like me do good deeds for society. Why should Gloria Steinem get all the credit for aiding women? I DO help others – such as bicurious women and a bounty of young straight men Googling stuff at 3 a.m. – recognize that entertainment isn’t entertainment when it’s actually good. No, siree bob, no, The Marvelettes’ “Please Mr. Postman” sold fewer records due to the fact none of the girls molested a foam finger while pressed against a cute male singer dressed as Beetlejuice. We artistic faux sluts teach young women that hard work alone won’t get you places. You gotta be a cheap tart to see career progress!

So what if I hooked up with your boyfriend? It was a thank you for getting 10,000 copies of my cookbooks sold and his lead on sticking me in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Sorry, it’s not like YOU were available. You were out planning your wedding, you bimbo. Someone has to fulfill your man’s needs! Oh! He also got my great, original, stupendous recipes on stuff in my cookbooks, such as authentic Irish pub beer bread.

drinking beer with an easy girl + an out of this world bread recipe using that beer + sex = what Charlie Sheen calls WINNING!

So what? People ask me how I get so many celebrities and up and coming stars to do interviews with me when I'm not Barbara Walters and I am about as famous as the background extras on MTV's Teen Mom. Regarding the rumor I date people I interview, that is false and highly unprofessional. I have sex with their publicists, personal assistants and actors' spouses AND secret gay male partners I hook up with, all in order for my interviews to be arranged. I would never step beyond moral boundaries like dating my interview subjects. How dare you suggest that?!

In conclusion, I ask that we seek inspiration in the wise voices of our past. Archaeologists have recently uncovered ancient hieroglyphics from the year 2001 A.D. engraved with the words, "We don't no hateration. No holleration in this dancery. Let's get it crunk upon, not fun upon up in this dancery."

While those words are believed to have been spoken by the great Pope John Paul II, we can apply that to modern day slut shaming, libelous statements and malicious gossip experienced by young women such as myself. In fact, I know world peace would exist if all we did was end haters and get crunk and twerk. So instead of making fun of admirable women like me, Katy Perry, your favorite Fredericks of Hollywood female models and Miley Cyrus at the 2013 VMAs paving the way for future feminist female leaders, let's embrace the positive messages we represent. We are NOT whores. We just act like sluts for artistic purposes for the greater good of mankind AND to show that little Channing Tatum guy, we women can “shake it like we in a strip club” just like you did in Magic Mike. Now that is women's equality.

Thank you! You thank! I mean, thank you? Thanks! Look, don’t hate me because I’m a moron bimbo who cannot speak, who repeats herself, who goes off topic in a big TED Talks speech!! REPRESENT!!!!!!!!

THE END

*insert applause*

P.S. I did offer this speech up to the real TED Talks. I lied about taking it to FunnyorDie.com first! The folks rejected it, but the TED Talks chairman is helping me sell my first screenplay to Quentin Tarantino’s production company. Therefore, we are totally hooking up soon.

 

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